(Closed) cutting costs, is this a rude way to do it?

posted 6 years ago in Etiquette
  • poll:

    cut costs on as much as we can and serve everyone dinner

    serve family dinner, invite friends/extras for dancing and appetizers

    have the ceremony later in the afternoon and serve appetizers to everybody?

  • Post # 16
    Member
    4319 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: August 2012

    You haven’t sent the STD,  so don’t send them to those people. 

    Post # 17
    Member
    8602 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2015

    I would send a New Years card to cover for the address ask and proceEd with the planned guest list. Did he say it’s for a StD?

    Post # 18
    Member
    8370 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper

    View original reply
    TupHoney:  If you’re in the US, it is definitely extremely rude to have different parties for different groups of people. It’s called a “tiered reception” because you’ve divided your guests into tiers. Basically, “important” and “not important.” I’ve heard (here on the Bee) that this is common and acceptable in the UK, but I can’t vouch for that. In the US though, it isn’t done.

    If he thought these were announcements, then just get some announcements to send to the people he got addresses from. If he didn’t know these were invitations, he wouldn’t have told them “we need your address so we can send an invitation” right? So I would just not send them the STDs, but be prepared to send an announcement right after the wedding. Problem solved.

    Post # 19
    Member
    839 posts
    Busy bee

    In the US, this is exceptionally rude. Do not favor some guests over others.

    I agree with PP. Send some holiday cards or something, and keep your guest list the same. 

    Post # 20
    Member
    1705 posts
    Bumble bee

    Oh God. My stomach dropped for you. If he didn’t tell them he needed their addresses for a save the date, I think you’re off the hook. Otherwise, you can give your fiancé the tough job of telling people that sadly your plans have changed, and the wedding is going to be a more intimate affair with only close friends and family.

    Post # 21
    Member
    30393 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    View original reply
    TupHoney:  Given that you told us that you caught this error while you were doing your STD’s, did you mail them to those not on the guestlist?

    If so, then you are obligated to treat everyone the same in the US and Canada.

    If not, then use those addresses to send either holiday cards or wedding announcements.

     

    Post # 22
    Member
    440 posts
    Helper bee

    I’m surprised to hear the rules about all of this.  I was invited last summer to a wedding “after-party.”  The couple had an early ceremony and late lunch for family and closest friends.  After dinner, they had a separate reception for everyone else where there was a band, appetizers, and a cash bar.  Since I wasn’t as close to this couple, I didn’t think it was rude, and I was glad to still be able to celebrate them in some fashion.

    Post # 23
    Member
    839 posts
    Busy bee

    View original reply
    gbee:  It just comes off as very gift grabby. Like, “you’re not special enough for me to host properly, but come later and give me presents.” 

    Post # 24
    Member
    2229 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: January 2015

    If you have to ask, most probably yes

    Post # 25
    Member
    924 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: November 2018

    hahaha, oh good lord. Men.

    I would have your Fiance contact those not initially on your guest list and apologize if he told them it was a STD, and that he had that confused with “Wedding announcement”

    Honesty is the best policy here, and if he didn’t specify what they were for, just send everyone a holiday card/wedding announcement.

    I hope these haven’t been sent out already, otherwise you’re on the hook for the full shebang and need to cut costs elsewhere (but remember not all will attend!)

    Post # 26
    Member
    48 posts
    Newbee

    You’ve got the appetizer thing wrong. Have your wedding EARLY in the day and serve appetizers. If you’re going to have a dinner time wedding, then expect to serve dinner. 

    Post # 27
    Member
    1668 posts
    Bumble bee

    Once I was invited to the wedding and then told to come to the reception for dancing after the family ate dinner… and honestly it hit me 2 ways: first it made me cut my gift $ in half because normally I give enough to cover my dinner plate, and two- I didn’t really feel like getting back up after already going home and eating, so I ended up not going to the reception *shrug* I didn’t feel like an important guest anyways since I didn’t get dinner.

    Post # 28
    Member
    97 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: June 2016

    If he hasnt sent them I’d just toss the envelopes and continue on as planned.  I will be the lone bee in the hive and say I wouldnt even bother to send them a card or something to hide the mistake (unless you are planning to send announcements or something already and have extras)  I dont think most people would really notice he asked for the address and then 6 months later didnt get to attend a wedding. I dont think people put nearly as much thought into these things as the girls on the bee do

    Post # 29
    Member
    9887 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    Agree with PPs – you can’t invite some people to the reception and ask others to come later to dance.  In the US, it’s very rude, and gift grabby.

    I hope your Fiance didn’t ask for addresses specifically for the STD — then you could just send holiday cards and be done with it!

     

    Post # 30
    Member
    9146 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper

    View original reply
    TupHoney:  To do enough appetizers for a crowd that won’t leave them starving or drunk you’ll probably pay MORE than for a plated dinner. Cut wherever else you can, lovingly smack your intended upside the head, and good luck! 

    The topic ‘cutting costs, is this a rude way to do it?’ is closed to new replies.

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