(Closed) cutting costs, is this a rude way to do it?

posted 6 years ago in Etiquette
  • poll:

    cut costs on as much as we can and serve everyone dinner

    serve family dinner, invite friends/extras for dancing and appetizers

    have the ceremony later in the afternoon and serve appetizers to everybody?

  • Post # 46
    694 posts
    Busy bee

    Just don’t send the STDs and don’t invite the extras. If anyone asks where their STD is, be honest and get your Fiance to explain that he meant wedding announcement.

    Seriously, why are you thinking of changing everything just because your Fiance made a simple mistake? Particularly as you didn’t have these people on the list in the first place, you can’t want them to attend that much.

    Post # 47
    1936 posts
    Buzzing bee

    View original reply
    peegee:  agree also. Maybe your fi can text them and say he thought it was stds but it was actually got announcements? Or tell them he had a whoops monent and thought they were the same thing? Perhaps if they can have a laugh at your fi they’ll understand more? Anyway, I wouldn’t invite them. If it were a couple of extra sure, but 50? No way! 

    Post # 51
    839 posts
    Busy bee

    View original reply
    barbie86:  Note how my first comment stated “in the US.” In the US, this is not a polite thing to do.

    Post # 52
    2957 posts
    Sugar bee

    Good lord. He needs to just have a “stuck my foot in my mouth” conversation with these friends before you take on a second job to afford this wedding.

    Post # 53
    61 posts
    Worker bee

    Well, in terms of social obligations, you are obligated to invite anyone whom your fiance asked addresses for. They are expecting a save-the-date, and save-the-dates mean you’re invited. They all will be expecting official invites. If you ask them for their addresses and it is specifically for the wedding, then you have invited them.

    Given the unusual and rather extreme situation, you may nonetheless be justified in de-inviting them. It is the nuclear option, but this may be a nuclear situation. Mind you, you’ll both look like jackasses (even if the fiance does the dirty work), but the additional costs may be on a scale where you have no choice. By the sound of it, it could be a couple thousand dollars extra (depending on the venue and specific ammenities).

    As far as tiered-invitations go, that is also a big no-no in the states (especially if it means some people have a huge gap of time between the ceremony and reception). I think if I was invited to a wedding where I was invited just to dance after (or to a ceremony, then a dance after everyone else had dinner, I think my response would be along these lines:

    “Thank you for the invite, but I have plans.”

    “Oh, okay. What are they?”

    “I don’t know; I still need to make them…”


    If at all possible, your best bet is to figure out a way to cut costs (or make a little extra money) so that you can afford to host the wedding for all people invited (intentionally or otherwise). Avoiding the hurt feelings and inevitable gossip will be worth having sheet cakes, no centerpieces, cheaper food, etc.

    If it just can’t be done, and your only options are a tiered reception or de-inviting the mistakes, I cannot tell you which is worse.

    – If you have the tiered wedding, everyone will think that you simply thought that was okay and don’t value them enough to invite them to the real thing. While this technically may be true for the mistakes (who you didn’t plan on inviting at all), if you have to inlude any other friends in the bottom tier, they will also quite possibly be at least a little offended. On the other hand, at least no one was told their invite was a mistake.

    – If you do de-invite people, it will be a bigger kick to the stomach for those de-invited. However, it will not spill over into your real friends in the same way. Also, you can mitigate it by just being really upfront with them. Your boyfriend didn’t know what a save-the-date was, they weren’t meant to be on the guestlist, a lot of people were accidentally included (not just the individual you are addressing), and if you were to invite them all, it would cost you thousands of dollars that you do not have. As tacky as mentioning money can be, how much worse would it be if you don’t mention the part about lots of people and thousands of dollars, and in their minds, they think you are just de-inviting them to save $50 or however much it is per person?


    Either way, tiered weddings or de-inviting the mistakes will cause a lot of problems, so only do it if there really aren’t any other options.

    Post # 54
    639 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2016


    Post # 55
    3648 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: April 2017 - City, State

    If they haven’t received STDs, they haven’t been invited. Asking for addresses alone is not an official invitation. In-laws do this kind of stuff sometimes (inviting people without consulting the couple) and in those circumstances no one would say that those people then had to be invited to the wedding, so I don’t see why this should be different.

    Don’t send STDs if you and your Fiance decide that they aren’t on the guest list. If someone asks, then your Fiance can explain the mistake HE made.

    Post # 56
    632 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2017

    Oh goodness, don’t invite these people. Fiance should text them and say, “I feel like an idiot. I said save the date when I met announcement and just realized my mistake. I wish we could have you to the wedding, but we’re making so many sacrifices to keep the budget low. Let’s catch a drink soon?” Honesty is the best policy. And footing a bill for thousands of dollars because your Fiance got confused is the worst policy. 

    Post # 57
    495 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: December 2016

    Please don’t sacrifice your day and those close to you over this. Ask Fiance to send a text saying silly him but he was meant to ask for the address for….

    People will understand. I would rather that than knowing a bride cut back so much to have me there.

    Post # 58
    399 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: January 2016

    I think you should just get your partner to be honest with them and tell them the whole story and that you simply can’t afford to have everyone. Sure, it is rude to essentially uninvite people but it’s not worth getting a second job over or ruining your day for by stretching your budget too thin. Just apologise perfusely. 

    Post # 59
    1189 posts
    Bumble bee

    Ouch…. I feel for you! You do have to serve everyone dinner if you stick with your current time slot, and I don’t think it will be ok to invite people to the later portion unless this is an established norm where you are. I suppose he could call everyone, explain that he had a major foot in mouth moment as you’re having a very small family wedding, and he actually meant “wedding announcements.” This could work if the people he texted aren’t especially close with the two of you and wouldn’t have expected to be invited. Tbh, weddings are time-consuming and expensive, and some people may be relieved. So are they more distant aquaintances? Or people who could reasonably be expecting an invite?

    If it makes you feel any better, I’m sure this will be a funny story in the future.

    Post # 60
    1070 posts
    Bumble bee

    View original reply
    truthah:  I was going to say this. 😊👍

    100% of weddings ive been to as a guest have done this (day receptiom and evening). I’d completely expect it. It’s much better because i’d never find it poor ettoquette that as a work colleague I’m  a 2nd tier guest behind the bride’s family. It’s common sense. We all know that there’s must have guests and we’d really like guests and it would be nice guests. 

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