(Closed) Cutting family from the list D:

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
1112 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Well, traditionally, you split the number in half and you get 30 invites, he gets 30. So, if he wants to spend his half on family, okay. You still have your 30. 

Post # 3
Member
490 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

I agree with MissCaraMia, if there is a strict 60 limit, then you each get 30.  That would not be fair for you to have 3 family members.  Parents and siblings would do it right there.

Post # 4
Member
151 posts
Blushing bee

jaegermoon:  Is your Fiance the one who insists these relatives MUST be invited or is it his parents saying this? If it’s him you need to have a SERIOUS discussion with him and make him see exactly how unfair and rude this is to you and your family, and if it’s his parents placing these stipulations on the two of you they either need to pay for these excess family members themselves or concede the fact that the ones your Fiance is not close to will NOT be invited. Family ties do not automatically earn invitations to weddings, and if you are paying the guest list is YOUR decision. I would definitely stand my ground on this at the risk of being able to invite only THREE of my own family members out of SIXTY total guests…that is wrong!

Post # 5
Member
2425 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

The only must have people that need to be at the wedding are you, your fiance, and your officant.

Everyone else is optional. I agree with the other posters. Spilt the numbers in half. Only invite immediate family and siblings. Cousin who you don’t talk to can be cut out from the list. 

Post # 6
Member
684 posts
Busy bee

jaegermoon:  If his side wants to invite all those people then he or his side of the family should be paying for the extra guests. Fair is fair. Why should you get to only have a couple people from your list attend?

Post # 7
Member
799 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

We split our guest list in half. We also invited in circles so only aunts/uncles no cousins, etc. 

Post # 8
Member
2942 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Man, I would hate to be your fiance in this situation.  My family is huge.  My dad has 8 siblings, my mom has 4.  Every single one of my parents siblings has 2+kids.  My DH’s dad has three sibblings, his mom has one.  I am going against the grain here, but I don’t see that equal is always fair.  Splitting the guest list in half for Darling Husband and I would mean that I would have to start picking and choosing one aunt who I see every christmas vs. an uncle that I see every Thanksgiving, where Darling Husband could invite the entire Hockey team that his dad works with that he has never met.  Due to just my family, our ratio was 3/1 my guests to his. 

Instead of even, I suggest going through your guest list one person at a time.  Start with the musts (the two of you, parents and siblings, bridal party) and then work your way out until you get to 60.  Talk out each person between the two of you.  And when someone gets cut, write down the reason why so you remember.  That way if his parents come back later and ask why you cut cousin Bob, your husband can point out that he hasn’t seen cousin Bob in 2 years. 

Post # 9
Member
2257 posts
Buzzing bee

jaegermoon:  you’re going to have to explain that his family is not more important than yours. You have to split the number and give out invites based on that.

I have first cousins I’m not inviting, and an uncle I’m not inviting, because I have not seen them since my grandfather died 7 years ago. You’re not obligated to invite your whole family. People may be offended, but when they know there’s a small guest limit, they may understand.

Just don’t back down. Tell him he can’t invite his whole family and not leave you with any invites. That is not a good way to start your marriage.

Post # 10
Member
9040 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

I don’t agree with splitting it in half, especially in this case, because the OP is going to end up having to use her half to invite mutual friends. I suggest splitting it three ways, his family, your family and both of your friends. That way there is a balance.

Post # 11
Member
860 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

He’s being a little unreasonable. To just demand that he invites every family member when it takes half the guest list without even considering how it affects you is just unfair.

I agree that half and half isn’t necessarily fair either. 

When you have a strict invite limit you need to sit down with him and discuss your priorities. Who do you really want there. Is it more important to you guys to have people who are important in your everyday lives or allow distant family members to come?

I agree with a previous poster who said start from the most important and work your way out to the least. Your parents and siblings, wedding party, and close friends will be first. With SOs that may get you all the way up to 20 or so. Then start adding other friends and family members that you speak to on a regular basis, then less frequently, etc. 

If he’s going to hold his line of “must invite” all those family members then just explain to him that you will likely end up with more than the 60 people you wanted to invite and are you guys really comfortable upping your budget just to include distant relations you never talk to. 

Post # 12
Member
8869 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

a guest limit of 60 people due to cost” — I don’t understand this part. Don’t most people figure out how many people they want, then plan a wedding that will host that many within their budget? So, if your budget is $10,000 and you only have 50 people you care enough to invite, you can have a pretty fancy event. If your budget is $10000 and you have 200 loved ones that you want to be there, you scale it back. … No?

Post # 13
Member
1604 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

What is this “I” cannot afford and HE says all his family has to be invited.  With all due respect, you have bigger problem that the wedding.  If he tries the arguement that the bride’s family pays, tell him, yes 1926 Emily Post says the bride’s family pays for the wedding, but the groom pays for the honeymoon and every expense after that. 

Post # 14
Member
47202 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

There are many ways of deciding who gets how many invitations. In some cases, it is fair to have 30 each. In other cases, it might be more fair to each invite siblings,, parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles but no cousins or anyone beyond that cutoff- even of that means he gets 40 and you get 20.

Wedding planning is the first test of your communication as a couple in married life. The two of you need to work out and agree on something that is fair to both of you.

Post # 15
Member
500 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I get big families and wanting a small wedding.  We could afford a 30 person luncheon.  That’s it. (buying a house will do that to you) Both my parents have 4 sibilings and hub’s parents also have 4 sibilings.  That said, my dad is close to his enitre family (the 5 sibs still get together on a regular basis) but my mom and his mom are only close to some.  His dad sees his family regularly but they are in no stretch of the world “close”

 

When we planned our wedding it was sibilings, parents and grandparents only.  His mom pitched a fit to high heaven demanding her sister’s family be included.  What we did then was extend 6 additional invites.  His mom had 6, my mom had 6.  Turns out my dad actually wanted his sisters there, so my 3 aunts came.

2 of my aunts I adore and I’m close to, the other I’m not.  My Hubs is close to his cousin (son of the aunt) but not his aunt, uncle or other little cousin that ended up comming.  But our parents were happy.  And partly it was about making them happy not making us happy.

 

I recommend going with that.  If he’s afraid to make Mom, Dad or Grandma mad, just let THEM decided based on # alloted for each family.

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 9 months ago by  searock.

The topic ‘Cutting family from the list D:’ is closed to new replies.

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