BeeWhen is it ever okay to cut family out of your life completley?
Especially if only cutting out 2 people will essentially alienate you from the rest of the family?
MemberWell….I suppose there could be several reasons, but I’d have to think they’d be rather good reasons to risk alienating the whole family. Can you elaborate?
MemberHmm good question, I’m struggling with that right now with my sis. I need to cut her out completely because I don’t need the negativity from her in my life. It’s hard though, like really really hard, I’m hurting deep down but I know I have to do it.
MemberI really don’t believe in cutting family out of your life, or disowning members of your family. I think that family is so important and that issues should be talked through and worked out. I think the only instance where I could fathom this as an acceptable path would be if there was abuse. That’s just my opinion though.
MemberIts hard because there is no real definative line. In general I would say when the people in question become toxic that your relationship with them is bringing ou down, its affecting the quality of your other relationships, your work etc.
In other words, if the toxic relationship is doing nobody any good, and in fact is a disease on all parts of your life.
Member@Mrs. Eagle: ARe they toxic people? Then yeah I would just severly limit contact, like don’t answer their calls or emails and limit FB. Can you elaborate??
BeeIt has to do with my wife’s grandparents, who have continually rejected her her whole life… and more recently didn’t attend our wedding. Some more stuff has transpired in the past day… its a VERY long story.
But basically: Her Dad and his Girlfriend have decided to get married on Aug 3/2013, one day before our one year anniversary… and the wedding will be at the grandparents farm. Her grandma is going NUTS and redesigning the farm and planting flowers in her color scheme, and the Girlfriend is making sure we know how excited the gramma is for HER wedding. She even said “Oh, I asked your gramma if it would be okay if you TAGGED ALONG while I go dress shopping next week… she said its fine” – ya, sorry… we’re not going. Lol.
After spending the morning crying and talking to my wife’s Mom, my wife has decided that she’s going to be cutting out her grandparents completley. She’s sick of feeling like she’s never good enough, and that she is doing something shameful with her life.
I’m not even really mad about them planning their wedding for the eve of our anniversary (but seriously what the fuck kind of parent does that)… I’m mad that the Girlfriend told us last night to “suck it up and forgive the grandparents”
Forgive them for 24 years of rejection, culminating in not attending our wedding?
Nope, sorry. Not forgiven.
MemberI think if they seriously affect your overall happiness. Just because you are related to someone doesn’t mean you have to put up with bullshit to no end.
Probably a good first step though would be going to therapy. Maybe a therapist could help you figure out better ways to deal with those people and/or make you feel like if you do really need to cut them out that you have done EVERYTHING that you can possibly do to avoid that end.
Member@Mrs. Eagle: Then I don’t blame your wife her not wanting to talk to her grandparents. Also, Dad’s Girlfriend needs to be spoken with about bragging about her wedding.
Is she doing that on purpose?
Bee@LuvMySailor: I don’t think so… I just think she’s classless and very insensitive.
MemberHmm…I had a situation with an aunt – who is an alcoholic. I tried for years to deal with it, to help her – to befriend her when others would nag her..to make her see she had a problem but listen when she needed someone. She moved upstairs, and I then had to explain to my 7 yr old what an alcoholic is. No 7 yr old should need to know this, but due to the situation she needed an answer. We moved as quickly as we could – couldn’t stand it any longer, and wouldn’t put my kid in that place anymore. The last straw was when she came into MY SUITE and drank all of my booze. Including a 60 yr old bottle of scotch that my fiance was saving for a special time to open. I haven’t completely cut her out, but I no longer speak to her unless at family functions. I didn’t think that I needed to say “I’m disowning you” or “i’ll never speak with you again” but I cut off any friendly contact, and I have given up on her. There is only so much one person can take.
Could your wife not just ignore them but be ‘civil’ in public at functions with them? She doesn’t need to be friendly, but she doesn’t need to lose her family too. No need to bday cards or xmas cards or phone calls, but perhaps doing what I’ve done will allow her to not become alienated from the family?
Bee@lia22: The thing is she never really is around the family anyway, its more of just a theoretical alientation.
MemberDo you think she needs to say anything to anyone about it though? I mean could she just in her mind forget about them or does it need to be something everyone realizes?
MemberI’ve always thought that the fact that you’re blood-related to someone doesn’t automatically mean you have to have that person in your life. If someone is cruel to you, makes your life much worse, or is toxic to your well-being you shouldn’t have to put up with it if you don’t want to simply because that person is family. Just my two cents.
MemberI believe any time someone brings more negative than positive, they don’t belong in your life.
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