(Closed) Cutting Out Friends – Different Perspective Needed

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
21 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: March 2018

I personally don’t feel like you owe them anything. They have wasted too much of your time and energy already with their rude, childish behavior. I think a clean break is perfectly reasonable on your part. Then again, I have very little sympathy for toxic people. I say save your time and energy for people who show you respect. Good luck and have a good day. 🙂

Post # 18
Member
3791 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

These are not friends.  These are frenemies.  They may think they are just having fun but obviously this is affecting you negatively.  My friends sometimes give me grief too like you are describing, and there are times when it gets to be too much.  The difference is if I tell them it’s too much — and I have, multiple times — they shut up about it.  I tend to be the target of jokes from my group sometimes, and I do laugh at myself a lot, but I also have some deep-rooted issues about being teased which stem from middle school.  They don’t mean anything by it, but it still sometimes hurts.

Post # 19
Member
1838 posts
Buzzing bee

If I were you, I’d tell them exactly what I think about how they’ve acted and that I was done accepting that treatment. I would stop talking to them after that.

I don’t know what is going on with them that causes them to act so terribly toward you when they’re in a group, but it’s not something I would put up with. If they can be so rude to you over a Nexus card, of all things, and treat you like a child over it, what else can they do? Something much worse, most likely. 

You can do much better in the friend department than those three women. Ditch them and feel the weight of three rude “friends” lift off your shoulders. I bet it’ll be worth it. 

Post # 20
Member
1245 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2018 - Fremont, CA

I’d give them one more chance and let them know that it’s their last one.

Post # 21
Member
1506 posts
Bumble bee

Sounds like they’re still stuck in high school in terms of emotional maturity. I recognize the behaviors you’re talking about–my high school girlfriends exhibited simlar ones (as did I). I sort of pity that they haven’t grown up. Your dynamic sort of reminds me of the teen movie Before I Fall. 

Post # 22
Member
5040 posts
Bee Keeper

View original reply
pinkice :  Ok, I ust stopped reading halfway thru. Why are you even friends with these people?!?

Post # 23
Member
1017 posts
Bumble bee

With the updates you provided, it’s settled: these girls are terrible human beings!!  You are not their friend, you are their punching bag. There is an incredibly unhealthy dynamic in your group “friendship” and honestly your “bestie” is the worst of them all.    A true “best friend” would NEVER treat you that way unless she was an insecure 7th grader.  

 

I’m sad for you that these are your closest female friends and they appear to provide you no emotional support, no loyalty, no encouragement or positive feedback, etc.  They use personal info you’ve shared with them against you.

 

I wouldn’t even bother having a discussion with them because they lack empathy and emotional maturity as evidence by their relationships with their husbands.  Just ghost.  And I recommend some personal therapy so you can gain awareness and understanding of why you allowed yourself to stay in this group for 10 years.   It’s difficult to make close female friendships as an adult but I truly hope some women will come into your life and show you what true friendship is! 

Post # 24
Member
2325 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

View original reply
pinkice :  Thank you for the update, that helps by offering further insight into these women and your relationships.

My assessment is that they’re not worth it. You perhaps had friends in them once but most relationships don’t last the test of time. We often grow out of friends and there’s no use trying to pretend that you haven’t changed. It seems to me that these are some very insecure women. I agree with the high school comparison. You appear to have grown up as you were supposed to. These women appear to lack the will, self-awareness, or confidence to do the same.

I cannot believe the anecdotes about one only being able to go back home after cheating if everyone erase their memories and forget she ever did anything wrong. That’s so incredibly immature and shows her up as someone who is not capable of personal growth. You don’t know what goes on behind closed doors of course, but for her to even present it that way is in poor taste.

The story about berating you for having had anal sex? Classic bait and switch. It’s so abusive to lead someone to open up about something so personal and then attack them for it. I want to give these women a sound smack in the face. The fact that she then asked you about it in private does not surprise me. They are SO scared of being vulnerable that they bully you instead. I guess they can tell that you’re more self-assured and want to pull you down a peg or two for your audacity to be your own person. 

It’s time to get rid. They are no longer capable of fulfilling your needs, moreover, they are taking away from you! Do not waste your time and energy on these types of people. I’d tell them that I no longer wanted to continue your relationship with them and why. The best you can hope is that at least one of them will go away and have a long, hard look at herself. But you will be free of their thrall. You can look forward to making grown up friends! You may find that the more passive one learns from your example.

I know this is tough. It’s far easier to think about it or write it. You do have a history with them. But would you stay with DH if he abused, undermined, disrespected, and bullied you? I sure hope not. And you know that all of us would be telling you to get the heck out of that toxic dynamic. The same goes if they’re friends or family. I’m sure you wouldn’t find it acceptable to see another treated this way. Good luck, Pinkice. I wish you well with whatever you decide.

Post # 25
Member
605 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

They are frenemies. It seems like you only consider them “friends” because they’re the only girlfriends you have that you can rant to and hang out with. It’s not easy to start new friendships now that we’re older (I know, because I cut off some toxic friendships too), but you will feel so much happier and lighter when you no longer have these people in your life. They are sucking out your energy. Trust me, you do not want another 10 years with these girls.

If what you said about them dealing with conflict is true, then I honestly do not feel a discussion with them is necessary, because they won’t understand. There are people who are worth the extra effort to reconcile, but there are some people who are just not worth it. And it sucks even more that your “best friend” treats you like crap. She’s not a BFF. 

If the only reason you’re hanging onto them is because you have no other social group to turn to, please try to meet new friends. Friends should shine a positive light at you, not throw you in the shadows and mock and ridicule you.

What does your Fiance say about all this? Him being outside of the friend group, he should see the truth in all this.

Post # 26
Member
1814 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2017 - Pearson Convention Centre

I would cut them out of my life

Post # 28
Member
345 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
pinkice :  agreed that u have social life with them and u have memories but what I have learnt in life is that my self respect comes above all that!

i have put aside our differences with some frens for same reason and I have walked away from some n in this case I would walk away as they are not only disrespecting but they are giving so much negative energy to u. More negative than positive. Also, new fun frens can only come when u make space in ur life, if u are busy hanging out and getting mistreated when will u have time to go explore and stumble upon new frens. So u need to make that space n time = let go ppl that don’t add value to ur life. Good luck!

Post # 29
Member
1838 posts
Buzzing bee

View original reply
pinkice :  Yeah, they don’t sound sorry to me. They might behave for a little, but they’ll go back to ganging up on you in short order. 

Ditch them.

Post # 30
Member
402 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 1969 - City, State

View original reply
pinkice :  You will find another group of female friends who are supportive, witty/sarcastic, empathetic and fun! You don’t need those friends of 10 years. You don’t have to cut them out entirely if you don’t want to – just meet them individually or less frequently. You will meet better friends sooner or later! 

The topic ‘Cutting Out Friends – Different Perspective Needed’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors