Cutting parents out of your life

posted 1 week ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
122 posts
Blushing bee

I’m so sorry you’re going through this! I couldn’t imagine how difficult this is for you.

Before you skip right to cutting them out, have you ever considered any family therapy?  May be benificial in helping the communication between you and them.

 

Post # 3
Member
612 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 1983

Never go to therapy with abusers; it teaches them where better to put in the knives.

My father cut off his mother by never getting in touch with her again. He was much happier and so were we.

Post # 4
Member
4 posts
Wannabee

“Try family therapy” is a typical suggestion from someone who’s never dealt with abusers. There are many reasons to never take abusers to therapy. 

I cut off my emotionally abusive mother about a year ago. It is very very difficult but sometimes it is the only thing to do. The grief is tremendous but my life is better without her in it, sadly

Post # 5
Member
3716 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

Great thread. I agree that “family” therapy is a no-no with manipulators and abusers. Cutting them off will be hard at first but over time the sting will lessen.

I recommend you check out reddit threads on cutting toxic parents off. 

Post # 6
Member
38 posts
Newbee

Love them from a distance. Some people cannot be made to see their wrongs. You must simply decide to forgive them and live happy apart from them. My fiancés mother is this way. She has done and said soo many awful things but will never admit her wrongs and just makes our lives stressful as hell constantly. Some people need help and just refuse to see it. You can’t help someone that doesn’t want to be helped. The best advice I can give is to be short with any communications you have with them. They will get the point. Distance yourself and love them from a far. When we separated ourselves from her and her constant drama, it was a weight lifted off our shoulders.

Post # 7
Member
221 posts
Helper bee

brideandblue :  I just stopped taking my moms calls. The final straw was  the realization that as long she was in my life my kids were going to be exposed to her toxic behavior. It’s ironic because having children of made me realized how not ok her behavior was towards me as a child. She is a text book narcissist, so in her mind, I am the one being heartless.

She is the type of person who does things like giving preteens pot and alcohol.I just couldn’t allow that kind of irresponsible abusive behavior around my girls. It saddens me because my little sister is around the same age as my oldest. There isn’t a day that goes by the I don’t worry about her but in the grand scheme of things there isn’t much I can do except report her which generally just makes things worse for my kid sister. She blatantly lies to CPS and they overlook  the fact that she was a high school teacher when she met my 18 year old “stepfather” who is only a few years my senior. I have no issues age grabs in relationships but I feel like what she did was a gross abuse of power.

Anytime I even consider contacting her, I think about that and the hell she put me though and the harm she is doing to the people around her but also the harm she could do to my kids if I don’t stick too my dicision.

Sorry that turned into a tangent, I wish you luck. Remember, setting boundaries and removing yourself from abusive relationships is just you being a strong person.

Post # 12
Member
1646 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

brideandblue :  I cut my abusive mother out I think 4 years ago.  She was not invited or informed of our wedding.  I am her only child and she has no one else, no family or friends, so it was really hard since I felt guilty that I wasn’t at least making sure she’s okay. 

Honestly I cried over it a fair bit in the first year, especially when she would reach out.   But now im fine, it’s my new normal and I’m a better healthier person for it.  I rarely even think of her.

If you think it’s what you have to do, you just need to do it, in one hit, like ripping off a bandaid.  Time makes it okay.

Post # 14
Member
221 posts
Helper bee

brideandblue :As silly as it sounds, I would try the meetup app, it’s the only thing I can think up that allows people to create and join local groups.I like the app because if there isn’t a support group in your town, you can start one. I also second lifeisbeeutiful’s suggestion, until you find a group, the sub reddit raised by narassastists is a good resource for support.

 Maybe also look for cptsd groups? It’s kind of a new diagnosis but it is specificly a form of PTSD caused by being in abusive situations as a developing child. So they are certainly a group of people who have experience with abusive parents.

Just from my posts here, I know that several bees, including myself, suffer from it and it is often misdiagnosed since it doesn’t manifest like traditional ptsd.

For years, I got nothing out of the interactions with my mom with always the hopeful expectations that I would and my standard for how I let people treat me versus other is still something I struggle with also, so I know where you’re coming from. I have a few mental mantras that I use to convince myself that I am worth being treated with kindness and respect. I started asking myself “If someone I care about was being treated like this, would I be ok with it?”. It has helped alot with setting boundaries.

If you ever need someone to talk to, feel free to dm me. I unfortunately have alot of experience with abuse and am always happy to listen and be supportive.

Post # 15
Member
9329 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

brideandblue :  

It’s been years now and both of my tormentors are dead. 

I hit me one day:  this is a bad relationship.  When you find yourself in a bad relationship, you end it.

A relationship with parents isn’t really different than others.  More emotionally loaded, perhaps, but it’s still just a relationship, subject to ending.

My point of no return happened on the phone with my father. His last words to me on this earth were “go to hell”.  Then, he launched the traditional smear campaign. He bombarded me with letters I refused to read.  I was scared.  I had always felt that my narcissist father had the power to do terrible things to me, I just wasn’t sure what or how.

You may want to read Toxic Parents, by Dr Susan Forward.

My actual life began the day I broke up with my parents.

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