(Closed) Cycles in Relationship

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
635 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

not sure what the BEST advice would be, but i would bring it up again. (but i’m forward) i would either start showing him rings i like, or ask him again, or steer him into a jewlery store the next time you’re at the mall. he has probably forgotten about saying that- most guys don’t remember half the things they say.

Post # 4
Member
1361 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I COMPLETELY understand!  I was pissed when my Fiance spent any money on anything while I was waiting for him to propose!  But little did I know, he WAS saving for a ring and he had it all planned out.  Maybe instead of talking about a ring specifically, you guys should talk about your plans for the future more generally.  Then you can get a sense of what the timeline in his head is like!

Post # 6
Member
6124 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

Well I have been waiting for him to propose and he said that once he had a job and saved up he was planning on it. Well we are in college so he has a low paying job and he takes me out sometimes and spends that money on me along with buying himself some things and I know he has nothing saved,”

 

How long ago was that discussion?

Did you talk about an amount?

Does he have debts that he’s also paying at the same time?

Has he ever been known to save money, ever?

Post # 7
Member
10367 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

@sienna76:  I have the same questions as you.

Also, OP – you said he doesn’t have his real job, and you are in college still. To him, i’m sure it seems like he shouldn’t have to be saving yet, since he told you it wouldn’t happen till he’s out of school with a real job. Honestly, it sounds like you two aren’t very good at communicating about this, and that is bad – this is the most important decision you guys will make!! Find a way to lay it all out on the table and be very clear – on both sides – about timing and expectations.

Post # 8
Member
6124 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

He has a low paying job while in college – maybe he meant a real job in the real world? 

Was that actually clarified?  Or you thought any old job?

Because if one cannot support themselves with the income they generate now, then it’s probably not the best time to be buying rings perhaps.

Post # 9
Member
2463 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

it seems like there are 2 questions here–

1. is it “normal” to go through cycles in a relationship, and not always feel totally lovey-dovey

and 

2. is it “normal” to get antsy about financial spending habits when you’re waiting to get engaged

in my experience, the answer to both qs is yes. sienna76 and crayfish have good questions that might help talk you down from the ledge of anstyness regarding the second question, but I remember feeling similarly when I was waiting for dh to propose. though I should say, given the other posters questions, we both had stable jobs at the time and no debt. we had a spat once because he was thinking about getting a smartphone (which wasn’t as common back 3 years ago when we were having this convo) and it seemed like such an unnecessary expense when I was worried he wasn’t saving money to move forward with proposing. it turned out that he was using an heirloom ring so cost wasn’t an issue and it turned out to be a moot point for us, but still, I sympathize about feeling impatient, and having that get in the way of our relationship since it made me resentful! it was really frustrating, but having an open conversation helped sooo much. I was mostly anxious about making sure we were on the same page, and we got there by talking about it.

Post # 10
Member
2968 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

i understand being upset that he’s spending his money on “frivolous” things if he’s supposed to be saving. when my fiance upgraded to a “better” motorcycle, i was not thrilled. 

but if you guys are in college, i think it’s better to focus to on finishing school and paying for school before buying a ring. i didn’t go to a four year college, but all my friends did and i know how expensive it is and the term “starving student” is usually an accurate statement. if my fiance had to choose between paying his tuition or buying a ring, i would absolutely want him to use his money for school.

to address your other question: yes, it’s normal for your feelings to vary, but i think if you find yourself with just luke-warm feelings the majority of the time, it may be a good idea to take a step back and reevaluate your relationship.

Post # 11
Member
236 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

The same funk came upon me while waiting.  I didn’t want to pester him, but at the same time I was beginning to worry. Ask him if he still plans on being married to you and remind him that you are still waiting ( and that you cannot wait forever).  Hopefully this snaps him back to reality.  If it is a financial issue, you have be supportive of him and try to wait patiently. He should not purchase a ring if is is not secure enough to pay for it and you should not pressure him into doing so

Post # 13
Member
3220 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

@KaylieJordan14:  Have you been to counseling or done anything to improve yourself since you last posted all of your other messages talking about your stress?

Post # 14
Member
1664 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I think you need to communicate more about this now.  How long after you graduate college do you expect to be engaged/married?  Have you been clear about it to him?  When someone says “wait until I graduate, get a job and save some money” that can mean a few years.  It seems like you are expecting sooner.

I waited tables all through college to pay utilities and get some spending money.  I wasn’t able to save anything… it was difficult to make ends meet.  You guys are in college, don’t begrudge yourselves the fun times (even if it costs a bit of money).

Post # 15
Member
827 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Do you think you’ve not been as excited about an engagement lately and in a funk about your relationship because you sense that he’s not planning anything in the near future or maybe not on the same page? It is normal to have ups and downs in a relationship yes, but having read some of your posts, I think this is not a healthy situation. I’m not sure you should be thinking about getting engaged until you’ve dealt with some of the issues you’ve brought up. I’d talk to someone who can really hear you all out and give you unbiased advice- like a counselor. As much I enjoy WB, I don’t think it is the place to get the advice/support you really need to help you figure out what’s going on with you. 

Post # 16
Member
270 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

I just want to start off by saying that after being in a long term relationship, you’re NOT supposed to feel the butterflies anymore.  (some people do, but most dont.)  This is totally normal.  It’s important to recognize that this is just part of the progression of the relationship.  A lot of times, people cheat for reason.  I’m not implying that you’re going to cheat; please don’t take this the wrong way.  I jsut want you to recognize that not feeling the butterflies is normal.   There is only a problem if you are questioning whether or not you love him. But since you say you did, you don’t have to be excited all the time.  The human body can’t handle all that excitement day after day, year after year, haha.  You’re not supposed to constantly get that adrenaline rush.  

As for saving up money, you probably have to let him go at his own pace, or he might feel pressured.  Also, I know guys have to put up a front around other guys.  It’s stupid, but they do.  He doesnt want to be *that guy* that doesnt put in his share for a party.  You’re both still young. Just keep talking so you know where the relationship is going, but don’t be in any rush.  Weddings are expensive.

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