(Closed) Cycles in Relationship

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
32 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I was exactly where you are not long ago.

Waiting for a proposal from my fiance was hard on our relationship. Although we didn’t fight or anything about it, I would go through phases of thinking he had something planned, and then nothing would happen. I would be really hurt thinking, “Why can he spend money on some random stupid thing but not save up for a ring for me?”

I can’t say I was a pleasant person while waiting, and I am lucky he loves me as much as he does. We’ve been engaged now for almost a year, but that didn’t make it any easier in our lives to get married, so we are just starting to plan now.

My advice would be to speak honestly and openly with your boyfriend about this, see what his goals and ideas are for the future and share yours. But don’t do what I did. Don’t nag and become evil and ring obsessed.

 

Post # 18
Member
22 posts
Newbee

I’m in a similar situation, so I know how you feel. My boyfriend & I have been dating for over 4 & 1/2 years (but we were friends for a couple years before), we’re both 24, & still not engaged. At this point, I’m ok with not being engaged, but there was a time where I was seriously predicting it and was very impatient on waiting for it. Probably right around the time that we had been dating for 3 years, I began to expect an engagement soon. This was also a time that his sister, who was only 20 at the time, got married & in my opinion didn’t need to be getting married (for a variety of reasons, immaturity, age, they had just been broken up not long before, etc.). And it seemed like everyone around us was getting engaged, including lots of people that had been dating for a much shorter time. I brought up engagement pretty regularly cause I was so impatient about it at the time. Then about a year ago, we were both moving from one city to another(we have not & will not live together before marriage, fyi), & he went & bought a house without even getting my opinion on it at all. And so I thought, if he had any intentions on proposing any time soon he would have asked my opinion of the house or waited until we got engaged. I also thought there was no way he’d be able to afford a ring anytime soon, so I reaeeallly resented him buying a house. So I knew at that point an engagement wasn’t coming anytime soon & I was absolutely crushed. That happening & not getting engaged really changed things for me. Any butterflies that were still there left. I still loved him, but I was resentful about the whole house situation. It’s been about a year since then & my feelings & emotions towards our relationship have been so crazy during this past year. I honestly considered breaking up with him on multiple occasions but my heart felt like breaking anytime I really thought about it so I never went through with it. Now I’m glad we didn’t get engaged earlier. This year of crazy emotions has given me time to think about what I really want in life & to set some stuff straight with him. And, we’re older but both still in school(I should be graduating hopefully within a year) so it might be best that we weren’t already engaged. So, now we’re working on any little things that might bother me about him or our relationship & I feel a whole lot better about it. I hoonestly think that now I am more ready for an engagement & getting married. And now, I’m pretty positive he’s ready to get engaged, so the timing has worked out ok. ….I wish there were still the butterflies & lovey dovey feelings, but there barely are. But, I know that I love him with all my heart & that beats out butterflies.

Anyways, kudos to anyone who acutally read all of that! So basically, I think what you’re feeling is completely normal. And it’s completely normal to feel stressed about school & to have school stress make other things feel more stressful. And, I personally think you’ll be just fine without going to see a counselor (not that there’s anything wrong with that or that I’m opposed to that). College is stressful & relationships can be stressful so when you put them together, there’s bound to be stress. I also think it’s completely normal to have lost the butterflies after being together so long. One thing that kind of helps to bring that magical feeling back for me is if we do something we used to do when we were first dating & listen to songs that we listened to a lot then (music’s kind of important to us). And, if I think about special times we’ve had together, good dates we’ve been on, or funny things that have happened to us, that also helps bring back some butterflies.

Good luck with it all! Just remember, whatever’s meant to be will be & it will all work out in the end! And, I’m a Christian, so I always remember that I will not know & may not understand God’s timing, but He knows what He’s doing, so I just have to trust Him!

Post # 20
Member
86 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I actually felt the same way. My SO told me he loved me and planned on gettng engaged to me in the near future so he said he was going to save up for a ring. Well instead of doing that, he was planning trips, buying things that were pricy and I was like erm, but little did I know that the trip he took me on when I told him the money could go to a ring WAS to buy the ring, heh heh. so maybe he is really saving up but he wants to surprise you.

Post # 21
Member
378 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@KaylieJordan14:  I know how you feel probably more than you’ll realize. My FH and I started discussing getting married around our 2 year anniversary in August 2009. I wasn’t proposed to until early August 2011 – 2 years later. Those 2 years in between involved a lot of fighting and tears and pain on both ends because he didn’t make as much money as me (at the time he was making about $28k and I was making $50k) and he was barely making ends meet with his bills as it was and wasn’t saving much. He kept telling me he was saving up for a ring, and months would go by. Finally, I just realized that if I was seriously going to be with him for the rest of my life and I loved him more than life itself (and I truly do), that I needed to look beyond the stale, traditional sense that only the man could buy the ring and propose to the woman. Because of this, I put the money down for my ring and he paid me back. Once he paid me back, he proposed.

Doing this didn’t spoil our engagement – and actually, once I did that, our relationship became SO much better. It allowed us to progress, even though he was in a different place in his career than I was, to a place that made us stronger and closer. I can honestly say after almost 5 years of being with him, I am happier than ever. And I can also honestly say that if I never caved in with having only him buy me a ring, we probably wouldn’t be together anymore. Many girls might disagree, but buying the ring in my situation was the best decision I ever made for our relationship. Just some food for thought…

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