(Closed) D-day: deadlines and …(eventually) deal breaker?

posted 11 years ago in Waiting
Post # 32
Member
538 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@maggiemay: What a wonderful way to phrase your wants and need to your partner. I might have to steal those lines!

Post # 33
Member
755 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

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@alaskan bee: I feel you. I don’t have the exact date but in my own heart/head I’ve told myself Oct/Nov. So we may be in the same boat with our timelines! I did set a date for Mr Bee’s “back-up plan”, but this is turning out to happen naturally. Becuase after the let-down of knowing he wasn’t as excited as I was, I have gone through phases where I’m honestly not as obsessed with marrying him.   And so I’m less likely to bring it up.

And I do think that after awhile it does wear on your self-worth.  It might not be you/your relationship is not right, it may be his own baggage about marriage/readiness.  But if he knows it’s important to you, he needs to be WILLLING to look at it. After awhile it’s so hard not to take it personally if he’s not willing to consider your needs, your future, and getting through whatever he needs in order to “figure it out” on his end.  

Post # 34
Member
3 posts
Wannabee

@DreamingBee: Timelines and deadlines seem so mean, but you are completely right about your self worth being affected by this. It does make me question why I want to marry him so badly if he is not in the same place, but he recently opened up about this and said he was “scared to lose his independance” I totally understand the feeling, but at some point, you have to be willing to sacrifice and compromise your time with a relationship. This doesn’t mean you take away their life, but most men ( especially if they haven’t been married and are over 30) tend to like their bachelorhood, so it could be quite possible they would never give this up unless pushed a little. And it’s really not like he would be making a decision to marry me because I tell him to. He is independant enough to know what he wants…so, I see it as a win-win situation. Plus, my younger sister was just proposed to by her BF this week which makes it extra hard that my guy isn’t ready to ask me.

I wouldn’t have been so obsessive if he hadn’t already asked me what kind of ring I like, and told me numerous times (without my help) that he was ready to ask me to marry him soon…now, that is a little mean if your not really ready. 🙂 Keep me posted on how it goes for you. I have a feeling its going to get worse before it gets better for me. I have decided not to say anything to him until october, because every time a serious conversation comes up, he says he knows hes going to lose me if he doesn’t make a decision in the next few months.

Post # 35
Member
755 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

@alaskan bee: Thanks! I hope it gets better for you too.  It is a good sign that he was able to open up and talk to you about his fears regarding marriage. My guy is independent too, and believe me, NO ONE will be telling him what to do 🙂 That’s why, when we talked about it, I said I was willing to wait but not indefinitely. And what was HIS timeframe for deciding if/how our relationship will be moving forward? This way I know what’s going on and I have a timeframe, but it’s not ME imposing a deadline. At least not directly.  He’s the one who said the timeframe, so he’s operating on “his” timeframe. Somehow this subtle difference means a lot.

And I think you’re doing the right thing by not telling your guy your timeline. It may change, and you don’t want to break your word or seem wishy-washy. There’s a difference between a timeframe and a deadline. Timeframe=expectation, either discussed by the couple, or in your own head. Deadline=ultimatum, and that’s sticky business.  There’s a difference “I want to be married, I’m willing to wait but not forever, I have a ceratin amount of time to figure out what I need to do to honor my desires” and “you better propose by Oct 1st or I’m leaving you”.  The latter is definitely mean.

I will admit I am a little nervous, as you are, that October will go by without a decision. If so, the ball is back in our court….

Post # 36
Member
1384 posts
Bumble bee

I feel your pain. I knew after 2 years that he was the one and I wouldn’t want any one else. Granted this was also after a several month separation (which was preceded by an ultimatum that he didn’t meet), so I got to see the relationship with fresh eyes when we got back together. Fast forward 3 years and we just celebrated our 5 year anniversary. I’ve now watched my best friend get married, my other best friend have a child and get engaged, as well as my parents separated and both are now engaged/remarried.

Six months ago I hit my breaking point when both of my parents were engaged after a split just a year and a half prior, and here I sat with the man of my dreams of 4 1/2 years, ringless. We had a very serious talk about it. He’s known that I’m the one he wants to marry and have children with, but he’s just not ready to make it official. Both of us coming from separated parents it’s hard for him to see the beauty in a marriage when so many people don’t make it. To him, we are already married and a piece of paper, a ring, or a ceremony isn’t going to fundamentally change anything with our relationship, and the fact of the matter is, he’s right.

However, this all being said, I’m 22 and he’s 24.

I told him that I see myself having children at 25, and he’s pretty adamant about being married before we have children, so that’s essentially his timeline. We agreed that this was a fair time frame, so now it’s a lot easier to handle anniversaries and questions.

I’ve found that the biggest nagging fear in my mind was that he WOULDN’T propose EVER. And I let so many people’s questions of “when are you guys getting married?” get to my head that I forgot what a wonderful thing we have now. I’m not saying you shouldn’t offer an ultimatum, but you do need to be honest with him about what you expect and your timeline and see if you can’t find a compromise. Maybe it’s in 3 years, maybe it’s 5. But, knowing that he DOES intend to get married before we start a family, and knowing that we intend to start a family in about 3 years, makes the waiting a lot easier. AND, even better? Knowing that it WILL happen one day, has given me so much more time to just enjoy the days that go by now without pulling my hair out waiting.

Post # 37
Member
409 posts
Helper bee

Thank you Bees for sharing! I wish I would have found weddingbee.com months ago when I was at this point. Your posts have been really helpful.

My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years and lived together for 2. I told him at the beginning of the year (2010) that I DID NOT want to go into the next year (2011) without an engagement. He understood and actually felt the same way.

Two months ago we went ring browsing. During our first ring shopping session the jeweler asked us when we wanted to marry. Oops we hadn’t gotten that far yet! But I told her June/July 2011 (I’ve always wanted a summer wedding). He said that’s cool. Whatever I want. (he’s such a good FH) (he also feels that the wedding is ALL about the Bride so she should get WHATEVER she wants…Love It! My honey…)

Then we went ring browsing again a couple weeks ago.We finally found a ring that he and I both love and that was reasonably priced. Only there’s one big problem. He doesn’t make a whole bunch of money. So the issue now is waiting for him to save and purchase to propose.

After we found the ring I promised myself I would not mention marriage, wedding, or engagement again. And I have not. Only thing is there is 3 1/2 months before the end of the year (the initial “deadline”). Which I’m sure many of you would say is enough time. But it really isn’t. The reason being is I’m dead set on getting married in June 2011 in a Destination Wedding. So anything less than 6 months to plan a Destination Wedding will be impossible. I hate to go back and change my original “timeline” for proposal but now I really want the proposal by my bday (30 days from today). That would give me a couple weeks to order save the dates and send them out. Giving my guests almost exactly 7 months to prepare. PERFECT!

Luckily, I’ve been planning so I’m pretty much certain on the venue (just need to secure with deposit) and I have even started a guest list (for my side of the family…just need to get addresses). I have also drafted my save the dates (with the date blank) so once I fill that in all I have to do is pay for them and wait for them to come in the mail. I have even chosen the colors (or potential ones, he’ll have the last say so) Prepared huh??? Literally within two weeks of engagement I will have venue secured, colors picked, website up (oh I need to start on that now…haha), and STD’s sent. I just need his proposal!

Even after all of that planning I have prepared myself mentally for the worse. If there is no proposal by my deadline. He must go. He has to move. PERIOD! Once you give an “ultimatum” or “timeline” you must stick to it. Just as you want him to.

 

Post # 38
Member
315 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2020

I’ve been with my guy for about 3.5 years, living together for the better part of 2. I’m 25, he’s 28, and I’ll be soon 26. We’ve talked about it, but sometimes the conversations turn ugly and I’d cry over it.

What I find funny is that he thinks our relationship’s going swell and that he’s content/happy the way it is. We do talk about “our future” but sometimes there’s doubt and we talk about our personal goals instead.

I’m freshly out of college (for the 2nd time) and I know that I won’t be FT anytime soon. I’ve decided that once I stablize and can better support myself then I’d be better able to make a sound decision whether or not I’m capable of being married (because I’m divorced already). Emotionally I know I can handle it, but finances are always the bummer for me. I do have a deadline in mind, though.

If I’m 28 and there’s no ring…I know that’s when I should pack my bags regardless of how I feel. 6 years is ample time for this relationship to mature to that point and if it’s not ready then, I don’t think I would want to sacrifice anymore time on it. I really believe that I do and should deserve better if I’m strung along for 6 years in a relationship.

Post # 39
Member
17 posts
Newbee

Hello ladies! I started poking around Wedding Bee in preparation for my hopefully soon engagement (he has a ring and my parents blessing…now just waiting for it to be official!). But this thread is soo relevant to my last relationship. I moved to another country to be with my then BF. But after three years of dating (and no legal residency status for me), he still got the deer in headlights look every time I brought up marriage. After we had been living together for a year, I told him I would give it another year, but after that I was moving back home to the States.  

Well that got his attention and he said ok great we’ll get married next summer. But then several months went by with no official engagement or further discussion of wedding plans. When I finally asked him again what was going on, he said that he really had no intention of getting married, he just said that so I would stop hassling him and wouldn’t leave him. Wow.

So I did what any self-resepecting bee would do – I packed my bags and got the heck out of dodge. He came back begging several times, but by then I was sure that leaving was the best thing I ever did. A year later I met my real soul mate and have never been happier.

I definitely don’t think this will be the case for everybody! And a deadline can be just the little nudge a devoted guy needs to head in the right direction. But it can also be a valuable way to set limits for what you want, and how you deserve to be treated. I’m grateful every day that I was able to do this.

 

 

 

Post # 41
Member
2200 posts
Buzzing bee

I had an internal deadline- it was this year in July. I never told my guy when my timeline would be – I just let him know he was on borrowed time. I was upfront with what I wanted and he delivered it 5 months before my “walk” date.

Generally, I am happy with that- I am no longer waiting- waiting was really driving me crazy and affecting my moods in general. Although I do wish my Fiance didn’t need a push from me. I don’t doubt he wants to marry me but I wish he came to everything on his own in a timely fashion since all of this was first brought up in April 2009.

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