Post # 1
I’m not sure this is totally an etiquette type question, but it seemed a good place to start.
I asked my dad and stepmom several months ago for a list of people they’d like to invite to our 100-person wedding. I just got a list last night with 28 names on it. The breakdown is as follows:
2 people: dad’s family that were already on my list
8 people: stepmom’s family, several of which I have not met
6 people: family friends since I was a kid, and I would not mind having them there, but it’s not like we’re super close.
14 people: reciprocal invites from weddings of THEIR kids my dad and stepmom have attended. In the e-mail she sent me, my stepmom basically said that if we didn’t invite these reciprocal people to our wedding, these people would be “offended.”
Now, being that their list is nearly 1/3 of who we can invite, how do I handle this? How do I share with them that my wedding is not the place to be some kind of social reciprocal invitation just because the other families had higher guests lists or something? How do I share with them that this is FI’s and my wedding, and it is for our closest loved ones?
I’m terrified at how this will go down, as my stepmom and I have a rocky relationship in the first place, and she has slowly become the spokesperson for my dad (which I hate, cuz he’s pretty rational). Does anyone have any wording or advice they could extend my way on how to tell them they need to cut their guest list down?
Post # 3
I would start by gathering your list and your FI’s family list. Once you have a better idea on your own personal numbers it’ll help you figure this out better.
Do you want to only invite 100 people or have 100 people attend? If its 100 attend, then you can invite a tad more knowing that some people will have conflicts. A closer look at your guest list will help you determine who will actually come. If they live in town or within driving distance I’d imagine you’ll have a higher portion come.
For the 14 reciprocal invites, did they actually attend all those weddings or just receive invites? My family just for an invite for a neighbor from when we lived in Wyoming’s daughter but they had no intention of going. Now, I’ll send them an invite but I don’t even think they’ll come. Clarify what type these are and if they’ll really come.
Once you’ve figured out how many people you want to invite it’ll make the conversation easier. That way you can say “we have x amount on our list and we feel these 25 people are our priority!”
Also, make sure that your dad and stepmom don’t start telling people they’re invited. I would tell them “thanks for the guest list, we’re compiling all of them and seeing where we stand so please don’t mention anything until we get the list finalized”
I just think your conversation will go more pleasantly if you can take this approach instead of just saying “I don’t want to invite your 14 friends I don’t care about”. Even if that’s the way you feel, this will seem more well reasoned!
Post # 4
Great suggestions from the PP. I would also suggest you make sure your Dad is present when you have the conversation.