Post # 17
I don’t really see any way to have it both ways. Your dad’s still reeling from a similar situation -years- ago, and seems to value his day in the sun so much that he will launch a full-scale war to get what he desires. You’ve made your case (and eloquently, it seems), so I don’t see what else you can do. He’s deadset on walking you down as the sole father. You’re deadset on having both.
Some kind of compromise would have been my best offer; i.e., dad walks you down the aisle and you dance with your step-dad. But, that also hinges on where you’re willing to budge and where you’re not.
With that amount of drama, I’d have walked down by myself (actually, I did) or with my future husband.
Post # 18
@strawberry53: I come from a pretty terrible family, and I have no problem manipulating them into doing what I want, so take this with a grain of salt. If I were in your position I’d probably call my extended family first (on the dad’s side) and sob to them about how you want both your dad and your stepdad to walk you down because they both mean so much to you and molded you into the person you are today (or some sappy line like that). Tell them how special this day is to you and how important it is to have both of the influential men in your life there (this is the part where I usually make up some feelings and pretend like I have them). Then if you dad calls and talks to them about you going all bridezilla, he looks like the dick. Best of luck!
Post # 19
I’d tell him you’re closer to your stepdad… and why. Even if he’s not going to accept your reasons, at least they are out there and he can either choose to be bitter and p***ed off, or use it to fix your relationship.
Post # 20
@strawberry53: Tough situation Bee. Firstly, I think it’s kind of wrong for your mom and step dad to say how your father was a dead beat dad and stuff. I just always feel, no parent should talk bad about the other parent, no matter how old everyone is, and regardless of the situation.
You obviously have some type of bond with your father if you want him to walk you down the aisle. And your mom and step dad should respect this. And your father should also appreciate the fact that your step dad helped raise you, as well.
I wouldn’t try to please anyone, this is YOUR day. If you change what you originally want, (them both walking you), you might look back in a few years, looking at pics and such, and possibly regret it.
Everyone should respect your decision on YOUR wedding day.
As for extended family, I wouldn’t reach out to them. Keep this between you guys, and it’s something that shouldn’t be made more than what it is. You don’t want everyone knowing what a dilemma this is becoming.
Just try to tell everyone how important they are to you, and how important your wedding day is to you, to respect what you truly want.
Hope it all works out ! XXX
Post # 21
@strawberry53: Sounds like you need to lay down the law. Either he walks with you and your step-dad. Or he doesn’t have to walk at all.
Post # 22
I am really sorry you are going through this, your dad should understand and be happy that you have a good relationship with your step father!
The way I see it you have a few options.
1. Do it how you want to do it and if he starts trouble tell him simply “This is my wedding, you both mean a lot to me and if you can’t understand that maybe you shouldn’t walk me down the aisle”
2. Let one of them walk you down and do the father daughter dance with the other
3. Uninvite your dad if he can’t seem to get past this.
This is your day, who walks you down the aisle is important so you do not need to cave to spare anyones feelings. Stand strong.
Post # 23
@housebee: Haha I love this! My mind works pretty much the same way!
OP, don’t let your dad take your happiness away… It can go one of 2 ways,
1) He accepts what YOU want on YOUR wedding day and thank his lucky stars that you’re including him at all.
2) He can sit as a guest or at home.
You have enought to worry about with planning a wedding, you should have to worry about your “dad” acting like a man child too. I hope it all works out. <3
Post # 24
- Wedding: October 2019 - City, State
@strawberry53: this is gonna be me. I mean exactly. Same story. I actually have a good relationship with my dad but it’snot a traditional fatherdaughter relationship. It wasn’t good until I was 18. My step dad was always there for the hard stuff (and the fun stuff) and my dad was only there for the fun stuff once I was older. He didn’t help my mom much and it’s just complicated to explain lol. Either way, I wanted exactly this and now that we are back to planning a big wedding (which was put on hold for financial reasons before) I am terrified to get to this part. Im the oldest and the first of his two daughters to get married. So I don’t have much advice other than to say to stick to your guns. This is your wedding and it should be about what you want, not what will keep him quiet.
Post # 25
@housebee: I like the way you think! I wouldn’t normally do that, but I feel like this is beating him at his own game. I actually did do this to a minor extent. My cousin is one of my bridesmaids and I explained the situation to her. So at least there is someone in the family that can stand up for me if he starts going to them!
As clarification, my mom and stepdad never called him a deadbeat. My stepmom used that as justification as to why he should do it (as in, because he was not a deadbeat dad, i.e. present in my life, he should have the right). I hope they can set their differences aside for the minute and a half it would take to walk down the aisle.
I feel for you. It’s seriously a tough spot. I hope it works out!
Thank you everyone for your advice!! I think what I decided to do is calmly talk to him again, and if he balks, I state that it’s this way or he can choose not to participate. And let the chips fall where they may.
Post # 26
I am in a similar situation and have choosen to give my stepfather the honor of walking me down the aisle, as a gesture to my father I plan on asking my father to do one of our readings. Now I haven’t informed my father of this but I refuse to budge and have told both my mom and stepdad and fiance that this is a non negotiable issue and they respect that. Perhaps you can give your father the opportunity to do a reading or something else during the ceremony to showcase him and give him a moment in the sun, it might help soften the blow if you are comfortable with this.
Post # 27
oh my I totally misread! 🙁