(Closed) Dad has alzheimer's, but SO won't propose

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 31
Member
59 posts
Worker bee

echomomm:  i get what you are saying here. sign… in an ideal world, the SO would be the one to lean on during difficult times such as this. the one man that supports you, hold you together, shows that he is worthy of relying on, mature and responsible, will always takes care of you and loves you, understand the reasonable as well as the not 100% reasonable but very true emotional needs of you when you need him to understand…………….

now i donno how many women have found a SO close to that. personally i’ve only seen man like that in novals(female author)…. 

<br />i guess the question here would be. given that its not the BF’s fault that OP’s father got sick, but truth is he ISN’T completely there for her. should girls dump a man like that with the belief of she will eventually find someone better, or suck things up by herself, be strong and independent while in this heart broken situation and go on with him knowing the fact that men are not perfect?

gosh makes me sad replying this post….. : (

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 2 months ago by  lilblackbee.
Post # 33
Member
7682 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

clane826:  That is ultimately the question.  I wouldn’t pressure or rush this man into marriage, because maybe he doesn’t love you enough.  Maybe the stress that you are going through will push him away instead of closer.  We don’t know.  We don’t know what your boyfriend’s reasons are for not being ready.  But I believe you will be better off unmarried, even with your dad in decline, than married in a relationship that may not be the right one.  Hugs.  

Post # 34
Member
241 posts
Helper bee

clane826:  I didn’t read all the responses but from the ones I do differ from ones I did read. I don’t think there is anything wrong with taking this time to focus on what you want in life, and how/when you want to get there. You shouldn’t be kept on perpetual hold until some ill-defined moment. I think a diagnosis is just as good as time as any to begin seizing the day.

Just know that you may lose your boyfriend, but then again if he doesn’t understand what is important to you then it might not be a big loss. As we all know life is fleeting, so seize it and don’t waste time with someone who doesn’t share your vision and life goals. 

 

Post # 35
Member
5364 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2016

These are the types of things that make or break a realtionship… sorry, but it seems to be breaking yours. I would seek counseling (I think I may have said that in one of my previous post) because you need to take care of yourself during a time like this. Trust me, I know how hard it is to deal with this and you may feel selfish or guilty, but you HAVE to take care of yourself to be able to take care of your dad. 

Post # 36
Member
2690 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

I’m so sorry that you, your dad, and your family are having to go through with this. I understand that you want the Dad you know and love to be at your wedding day, but you and your Fiance have to decide what time is best for you. If you try to force it based on your father’s time table, you may end up regretting it. Spend time with your father while you can, you will want to have as many of those memories as possible.

*Hugs*

Post # 37
Member
712 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

I understand that you want your dad to be there while he’s still “here” and your family has less stress, but I don’t necessarily think your SO is being selfish. He just doesn’t want to be rushed and pressured. We had a pretty normal timeline when it came to getting married and I’M the one who feels rushed to plan it. Planning a wedding is stressful, regardless of how big it is (we are having a very small wedding without a reception or anything and it’s STILL super time-consuming and stressful). Don’t get me wrong, I love wedding planning, but it is so exhausting and you honestly have to plan every single small detail that goes into it (even if you hire a planner). I don’t think girls think about all the things you have to do to prepare for a wedding. I don’t want to turn you off from getting married, but I want to let you know that it’s stressful (and fun at the same time 😉 ), especially if you want to rush it. IMO, you should do like PP have said and separate the issues. This doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you, but it probably freaked him out when you gave him only a month after you had agreed to wait. Take this time and make beautiful memories with your dad. I have a friend who is very ill right now and I’m actually overwhelmed and put my planning on hold for a while to focus on them. I do feel so badly for you and will keep you in my thoughts. (((Hugs)))

Post # 38
Member
15 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2017

It’s understandable that you’re feeling a lot of different emotions with everything you’re going  through. You and your guy obviously love eachother, and it’s seems like maybe a communication issue. While your feelings are important, his are just as valid. Is there maybe a compromise that you two could agree on that would resolve this issue? 

Post # 39
Member
29 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2015

I haven’t read all of the comments so I may be repeating. It sounds like before your dad was diagnosed you were happy with your relationship and if it hadn’t happened you wouldn’t be giving ultimatums. 

I can totally understand why you feel the way you do. I am really close to my dad and the thought of him not being there on my wedding day would be devastating. 

However, in defense of your boyfriend, he may feel that at the moment you want to get married more for your dad than because it’s what you want for your relationship. Whilst he can sympathise with you about your dad I imagine it’s difficult for him to understand your desire to move up your timeline because of what’s happened. 

Marriage is a life long commitment and I don’t think it’s selfish to want to be 100% sure you are going into it for the right reasons. 

That said, the situation with your dad may have just brought to light your boyfriends lack of real interest in marriage earlier than might have happened otherwise. 

I think the problem is it’s not clear what the situation is. You’re so affected by your dads illness (understandably) that it’s has to be clouding your feelings about your relationship. 

If you haven’t already I would suggest speaking to a therapist. Relationship issues aside, your dads illness had clearly had a big impact on you and unfortunately his condition is only going to worsen. I think talking to somebody impartial who can help you deal with your grief would be extremely helpful. 

Post # 40
Member
579 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

Having watched my grandfather live with Altzheimers I understand how you feel. However, your wedding isn’t the only special moment you can have with your dad, start making those moments happen, no matter what they are. Take more photos at family gatherings, at Christmas and new years etc… I know it is hard, my dad was recently diagnosed with cancer and I have a growing fear inside me of losing him…

I second those saying talk to someone even if it is just a friend about your fears, it helps. As the marriage question, ask yourself if you would be pushing for the marriage now if your dad hadn’t been diagnosed. If the answer is no then as hard as it is try give it some space and time. If the honest truthful deep down in your heart answer is yes then you guys need to discuss options in terms of your future…

Post # 41
Member
11102 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

I’m sorry, OP, for what you’re going through.  It must be so painful to watch your dad slipping away.

I am a firm believer that you can only igive what you have to give.  In your case, it’s time that you just don’t have to give to your SO.  I would tell him exactly that.  You love him & will gladly give him all you have to give.  Unfortunately, time is the one thing you just don’t have to give him.

 

Post # 42
Member
353 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

clane826:  I do get where you’re coming from, but I think most people reacted to the fact that you were putting having your dad at the wedding lucid as more important than your SO’s feelings about not being ready to get married.

If you are worried about your SO’s dedication to you, then that’s a different issue on its own, and it’s worth focusing on that with your SO, without worrying about whether your dad would be affected or not. As frustrating as it might be, I don’t ever think an ultimatum is fair, as one partner will most likely end up resenting the other. You have to weigh up what is most important (being with your SO, or getting married asap), and speak to your SO about why he feels you aren’t ready as a couple to get married. 

If you feel that he is dragging his feet, that’s a serious discussion you need to have, but not one that I feel an ultimatum will help solve.

I’m sorry you’re in such a tricky situation, but as other bees have put, times like these do make or break a relationship, and you need to have some serious discussions to see which direction you want to go in x

Post # 43
Member
455 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

clane826:  I understand your frustration.  Completely.  I’m so sorry about your father.  It’s a terrible thing for you and your family to be going through.

Has your SO given you any concrete information on why he’s not ready?  To say that he wants more in savings is really abstract.  Can he say “When we have saved $xyz I will feel ready.  I see that happening by this date”?  I’d offer the opportunity to have a discussion about it before you leave, but I also wouldn’t blame you for leaving at the end of the year.  Whether it’s fair or not, you, and not some weddingbee imposed sense of justice, gets to decide whether you stay in the relationship.  

How tumultuous has the relationship been?  Have you reflected on how often/what you argue about?  Are you sure that he’s the one?  My ex used this excuse frequently.  Ultimately, he is of the never-wants-to-marry type, but our arguments about his unwillingness to discuss the future provided an excellent excuse for him to postpone an engagement. 

That said, for me 3 years would be enough.  I would want my SO to either be all-in or out at that point whether or not there was a family illness.  3 years is long enough to make a decision (unless you’re 20 or something). 

Post # 44
Member
176 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: dont know

Alzheimer’s run deep in my family, I am rather certain that someday I’ll get it so this hits clost to home for me.  Unfortunately it sounds like he is just leading you on for some reason or is too focused on having his life perfect and is missing out because of it.  Your life doesnt need to have all your ducks in a row to get married, your ducks will wander off as soon as you get married anyway.  Don’t panic, my grandad was always himself even through the end.  He didn’y know who we were but he knew somewhere inside he knew us, he didnt recognize my gandmom but when she would help his dress he’d say “my wife wouldn’t like this one bit!” or “you remind me of my wife, she’d like you.”  Your father won’t disappear instantly before your eyes, its a slow, scary process but it takes time and dont rush your boyfriend/fiance.  If he is stalling it might mean he isn’t the one, or ge might be scared.  Try to find out why he seems so hesitant. Be gentle with him.

Post # 45
Member
576 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

clane826:  I get it. It sounds like before your dad got sick you both wanted marriage but didn’t have any reason to rush, which you were on the same page about. Now you do have a reason to rush but your SO is saying he’s not sure, which means maybe the two of you haven’t been on the same page all along. That would make me pretty upset. If it were me I would probably set a “walk date”, not necessarily to leave the relationship but if he hasn’t shown to be all in by that point, I would put the relationship on the back burner and just focus on spending time with your family. It’s a terrible situation to be in and I’m really sorry you have to deal with uncertainty in your relationship as well as your father’s diagnosis.

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