(Closed) dad hurting me over how hes acting about the wedding

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
2401 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I’m sorry, but you are 30 years old. You shouldn’t expect your parents to pay for anything. It’s great that some did. But seriously? It’s their money and they can chose to do whatever they want with it.

Post # 4
Member
749 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I agree with @ohmybears48. It was kind of rude to ask your dad to pay for something. Be gracious that your mom and FIs parents offered money. No one is required to pay for your wedding but you.

Post # 5
Member
5657 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2012

Yeah your dad doesn’t have to pay for anything. I don’t think that means he isn’t happy for you at all, he just doesn’t have a spare $1k to hand over to you. Frankly, I think it’s kind of rude that you asked. They are graciously paying for the DJ, and you should be thankful for that.

Post # 6
Member
248 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

If you are old enough to get married, you are old enough to pay for the wedding yourself.  It’s a bonus that your mother and your Future In-Laws have offered to help financially – they aren’t under any obligation to do so.

Your father hasn’t set out to deliberately hurt you.  You’ve come to him asking for money, and he doesn’t have it to give to you.  I wouldn’t have asked in the first place.

 

Post # 7
Member
2450 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

you can pay for it yourself. you are old enough.

Post # 8
Member
1736 posts
Bumble bee

I’m 31 and though my parents are paying for most everything, I put my foot down and purchased my dress, the wedding invitations and a bunch of other things because I didn’t feel comfortable going on a free ride when I have been working for myself and making a decent living for the last 10 years. If people are gracious enough to offer it’s one thing, but to feel entitled to anything is inappropriate. At our age, it’s reasonable for parents to assume that you can afford to pitch in!

I’m sure your Dad has no intentions of hurting you – actually, I’m sure his lack of response was because he didn’t want to hurt or disappoint you. Don’t expect anything more than what he willing gives and just be thankful for it.

Post # 9
Member
4803 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

The little details are just never going to interest the typical dad as much as the typical mom or step-mom…they just don’t get into that stuff for the same reason you’re probably doing most of the wedding planning rather than your Fiance. But I don’t agree with feeling like he should of offered money – and it’s even worse to start sending texts about whether or not he likes your Fiance because he ‘only’ is paying for the DJ. Your dad probably feels like all you care about is the money, since it seems like you’re relating everything back to that. You’re equating how much he cares with how much money he offers to give you, and he is probably thinking something pretty similar about you – that you just want him involved for his money, and that he had to ask to get you to e ven come over, which he probably feels like he shouldn’t have to ask about either. And I don’t think either of you are right in thos efeelings, but there needs to be much better communication here.

I would drop the money thing. If you want to talk wedding with your dad, talk about the walk down the aisle and your father-daughter dance. Show him that you care about having him involved in your day for more reasons than his checkbook, and I’m sure he’ll start showing the interest you want. But he probably won’t offer more money – it doesn’t sound like he is in the position to do so, and he shouldn’t have to.

Post # 11
Member
263 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

you have to be careful with certain issues on here. it’s easier to respond that you are “old enough to pay for your own wedding,” and “people can do whatever they want with their own money,” than to actually try to relate to the person and have sympathy. obviously your post was about the fact that you are afraid your father doesn’t care about your wedding, not the money. hopefully you and he can work it out. *hugs*

Post # 12
Member
242 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@Spider Mum:  The original post came off that it was more about money than it did with other issues, that is why OP got the reponses she did.

OP: I’m sorry you’re Dad isn’t showing the interest you want, but maybe he is feeling disappointed he can’t help more and that’s preventing him from being more involved, or maybe it’s such a big topic now that he feels it’s all anyone talks about. But really if you’re worried about it you should be talking to him directly and not everyone else, it just makes for more tenision when there might not be any

Post # 13
Member
3885 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

OP, keep in mind that your father is a man, and many (if not most) men are bored to tears with wedding planning. They much prefer if you just tell them when to show up, what to wear and what to do. You may never get the level of enthusiasm and excitement out of him that you’d like because men in general just don’t get excited over fabrics, colors, or any of it.  Heck, I’ve had to translate the sample menus from “catering-ese” to “man-speak” for my mister, because as soon as I start rattling on about “lightly seared then presented with a crisp tower of flash-fried onion petals” his eyes glaze over and he just groans.

As for the financial contributions, please try to keep in mind that your father is likely at or approaching the end of his time as a wage-earner; as a father, he’s probably not used to discussing details of his finances with his children, but he may be brushing you off simply because that’s easier than telling you honestly what he can and can’t afford. I’d make the plans to pay for everything on my own and if the topic comes up again (or if you can find a way to bring it up delicately), say something like “I’ve already gotten deposits put down by credit card but the DJ is $X so if you’re still willing to take care of that, I could apply your check to my card balance.”

Post # 14
Member
1130 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@cassy.thompson1:  I would be upset about him seeming like he doesn’t want to be involved too, not with respect to money, but things like picking out the song, etc. That being said, I wouldn’t discuss the money issue any more. He may be sad he can’t contribute more, he may not want to, it really doesn’t matter. I personally don’t think you should ask for money, much less expect it, but I can see how him not wanting to be involved in the decision making process would be upsetting.

Maybe discuss with him why you want to have his input in the planning process and why it means so much to you.

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