Post # 1
I’m a fairly new person here, and I just got engaged this past weekend, even though we’ve been planning, and I’ve been “lurking” for much longer. I’m hoping that someone can at least help me feel better about something that happened with my dad. I always thought I’d have trouble handling my mom, but I guess I was completely wrong.
My fiance called my dad to “ask for permission” before he proposed, which I had no problem with because I feel like I’ve always been closer to my dad. After he proposed this weekend, we of course started making the happy phone calls. My dad immediately asked me if my fiance had told me what he said, and when I said no, he told me that he had asked my fiance if he was sure, because “i’m damaged goods”.
I’m completely unsure how to take this. I wasn’t a really good daughter as a teenager, and got mixed up with a bad boyfriend who really damaged my relationship with my parents, but I’ve since graduated from a great school that I paid for myself, and began a great career where I’m well respected. It’s been 10 years since all of the drama, but I know they haven’t forgotten, because they bring it up from time to time.
I want to just let it go, and move on with this very happy time in my life, but I can’t help but feel upset. Part of the reason why I didn’t decide to elope was because I wanted to share our marriage with my family, as I’m the only girl out of 3 of us. Now, I feel like I’m just asking for another comment on my wedding day. I can’t really talk to him about it, as I’m 800 miles away, and neither of us does well with “feelings” over the phone.
Any tips for just moving past it and forgetting what was said?
Post # 3
I think your daddy needs to leave the past in the past and not make such asshat comments. I bet he wasn’t Mr. squeaky clean in his younger days either.
I’m enough of a bitch, I’d probably call and ask what the hell he meant by that, and that if he really feels that way, feel free to not attend the wedding.
That would piss me the hell off.
Post # 4
I’d just ignore it. It was probably just a very lame attempt at a joke.
Post # 5
I think he was trying to be funny. Don’t worry about it – don’t let it spoil your happy time
Post # 6
Post # 7
I’m with hisgoosiegirl, I would call and say, “I’ve been thinking about what you said and it was very hurtful. What did you mean by that?” And listen to his explanation. I don’t have a very close relationship with my father and I’d be furious if he said something derogatory about me to my Fiance. My father is not a good judge of me and in my opinion doesn’t even know me very well. You may need to tell your dad from now on to keep his comments and opinions to himself unless he can say something kind and helpful.
Aside from that, don’t let anyone spoil your joy! Congrats!
Post # 8
I’m so sorry. It really hurts. My dad’s response to that question when my then Fiance asked him was “Are you sure you want to do that? She’s got a lot of her mother in her.” My parents are divorced and not friendly. I cried when I found out and it still brings me to tears when I think about it. I have never confronted him about it so maybe you should. I clearly still have issues with it. Hugs.
Post # 9
@kelmac: I still have issues with my dad, too. In fact, I can hardly be on the phone with him for ten minutes sometimes and I’m in tears. It’s ridiculous, I’m a grown woman. But some people are not cut out to be a parent – sounds like our dads aren’t too great at it. I have never confronted my dad about anything, really. But when my Fiance asked if he should ask my dad for my hand in marriage I said, “Absolutely not, he has nothing to do with it. We will just tell him together.”
Post # 10
Sadly I think it was a terrible attempt at a bad joke. Which is why your dad told you…he may not have actually even said it to your Fiance.
When my parents got engaged, my grandmother (mom’s mom) told my dad “you know, she’s always going to be like this. Are you sure you really want to marry her? She’s not going to change for the better”…I’m pretty sure grandma meant it and my mom only found out much later from my dad. BUT what is important is that your Fiance (and my dad) reacted like “I DEFINITELY STILL WANT TO MARRY HER!” and that is what is going to happen. You can tell your dad next time it comes up that yes, you made mistakes, but now you have a new life and want to be treated as the person you’ve become and not as the mistakes you (admit to) have made as a teenager.
Post # 11
@Sunfire: Good call. It sucks doesn’t it? I know he loves me, and he is a great man who would do anything for me, but he has a tendancy to speak before he thinks. Oh well, I’m never going to change him.
Post # 12
What a stupid thing to say….
But I doubt he meant any harm by it. He probably was just trying to make a joke to deal with an emotionally charged situation, and it came off as significantly lacking.
Post # 13
Parents just hold on to the past waaayyy to tightly. My Mom still has to bring up the clarinet I begged them to buy me when I was 13. Then I quit band a few months later. Still. brings. it. up and I’m 41 now. Seriously lady, Let It Go!
Whether he was just trying to be funny, or still thinks of you as his bad girl 16yo, I’m sure he still loves you.
Post # 14
Sorry about not responding everyone – I didn’t receive any notifications of the comments back! I appreciate all the support. I haven’t addressed the situation with him at all, and my Fiance wants me to just forget about it. I’m sure he was trying to make an awful joke, but similar to you @mmsva, my parents also tend to bring up the past “wrongs” whenever they can. I just ignore it most of the time, but of course, I was feeling so happy and wasn’t expecting the comment at that time.
I think I’m just going to move forward. I’m not that girl anymore, and I’m so happy with my upcoming marriage that it’s not worth getting into it with him. Best of luck to everyone with their parents.
Post # 15
@KoiKove: So true– my mom brings up every little thing whenever she tells people about me. And they are all in present-tense, like I continue to be the same person I was as a child/teenager: Her room is a mess! She’s such a picky eater! She got that dog and didn’t take care of it!
Okay mom, nowadays I have a clean apartment, eat escargot on the regular, and take damn good care of my cat.
I just have to let them go because it stresses me out too much to try and talk to her about it– and even when we do talk about it? She apologizes, says she’ll never do it again, and five minutes later she’s telling her coworker how I won’t eat anything she cooks. (When she hasn’t cooked dinner for me in probably 5 years.)
Post # 16
I’m sorry, but I don’t think it’s a funny joke or at ALL appropriate to call a woman “damaged goods” – especially when she’s your daughter! Women are not property to be bought and sold, and it is none of your father’s damn business what you have or have not done with your body and in your private life. I would be furious and hurt by this, and I would find a way to let him know that it is NOT okay to talk to or about you like that. You are not a thing, you are a person.