(Closed) dad making me feel bad about my wedding date…

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
9538 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

I’m with you. I mean realistically, I think you can either keep things the way they are planned (what I would do) or you can get married next week. Because if you start talking about moving it up so that a relative can be there, then how much do you have to move it? How much time do you have? It gets very messy. As someone who has been through the death of 2 grandfathers, 1 uncle and my mother, I can confidently say that you can’t plan around death. Death is inherintly messy and nobody can give you realistic timelines. 

So don’t let anybody make you feel bad about your date. Spend time with your grandfather now. Enjoy him while he’s here. Make sure your fiance gets to spend time with him as well. Because that’s what’s really important. Yes it’s nice to have people there on special days. But I think it’s more important to appreciate people in the every day. 

All that being said, I don’t think your dad was trying to upset you, so give him a break. It’s a hard time. Be kind to each other.

Post # 18
Member
2453 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

@theEguarantee:  I think that’s terrible for your father to hold this over your head.  I should start saying thanks that my parents haven’t tried to guilt me or anything.  I do understand that he’s emotional and not thinking straight, but that’s a lot to put on you.

We’re not getting married for a few years for a variety of reasons (I’m in graduate school, we’re long distance and being able to live together is important to us, we’re all about paying our own way, etc).  There’s a possibility anyone I would want there could die by then- our parents, our siblings, our friends, our grandparents.  Especially our grandparents.  It’s freaking terrifying.

And you know what’s really interesting?  My grandmother actually said that what we were doing- waiting- was the smart thing, regardless of what happens.  She wants to be there of course, but she fully supports us keeping it in a few years so that we enter into a life living together with career paths (aka she really wants me to finish school first).

Post # 20
Member
2562 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

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@MrsTVLover:  I don’t think it is a cop out to say anyone can die.  Would you push up your wedding because a parent was having a trip to Europe and their plane could crash in the Atlantic ocean killing them?  No.  Her grandpa may be alive in 2015, he may not.  Even if they do move up the wedding he may be alive or may not.  Unless they get married today knowing he is alive today there is no guarantee.

Post # 21
Member
9635 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

i have no grandparents left and my father passed away 3 years ago.  i would love for more family members to be alive to celebrate but that is that way it is.  i can understand from your father’s perspective, but at the same time you have to do what is right for you.

Post # 22
Member
2478 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Well I think if the difference between having a “vision” and having dearly loved members of the family alive to attend the wedding I’d aim to have the wedding earlier.

On the other hand, you are still very young and should not rush into marriage earlier simply because you may lose a grandparent in the planning process.

So I’m not sure that either you or your father are right or wrong. But it’s ultimately up to you and your Fiance to decide your priorities.

Post # 23
Member
308 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

My mom’s parents died years ago but my Dad’s Dad and Stepmom and his Mother are still around. I knew in planning our wedding that there was a good chance that they wouldn’t make it because they’re all in their 80s and they don’t travel anymore.My grandfather actually ended up passing away about a week ago (wedidng is in about a month), but my grandparents had already RSVPd as “no.”

The way I see it is you can’t please everyone. I know my grandparents are excited for me, we plan on doing a video of the ceremony for them, and I know they don;t expect me to plan my whole wedding around them. I would have LOVED for them to come, but I also know that they are older and their health isn’t the best. In order to have them there, we would have had to do 3 weddings, haha. Not possible or realistic.

So, all tht to say, while your Dad had  a valid point, it seems like you knew that that was a possibility and it’s okay and valid to have your feelings hurt. Just remember that  your grandparents are probably so excited for you and this next stage of your life. I am sure that if they could be there, they would, but they will love you regardless of their ability to be at the wedding. 

Post # 24
Member
7641 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

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@theEguarantee:  I’m sorry your dad is putting this pressure on you. Seriously. I have no grandparents left. Dh has several, and when we told his sweet grandma when we were getting married all she kept saying was, “I hope I make it that long.” Well, she did (she is 90 and in extremely good health). Then she started bothering us about babies. In fact, everyone did, trying to put pressure on us to have a baby before DH’s great grandma passed on. Obviously that didn’t happen. Can you imagine having a baby when you aren’t ready?

Someone is always going to do that to you, but you can’t give up your life dreams, goal, things like that. You just can’t. It’s awful, and it hurts, but it isn’t realistic to tell someone to hurry up with their life. You just cannot do that.

Post # 25
Member
982 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

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@theEguarantee:  Not even 48 hours after we got engaged, we flew home and visited FI’s grandmother. I love this lady as if she were my own grandmother (both my grandmothers are alive, I lost my grandfathers over 5 years ago). She asked us immediately when we were getting married and I told her we were thinking early 2015. She said “well, I have pretty good chance of still being alive by then.” gah. like a knife, right? My own grandmother is 91 and though she’s in good health, i mean she’s 91. If I could, I would get married tomorrow but the truth of it is that it’s just going to take until 2015 for us to be able to get our ducks in row. I hope, hope, hope that my grandmothers and my FI’s grandmother are there with us on our wedding day, obviously. But that’s because I don’t want to lose them at all. I want them to always be here. unfortunately, that’s unrealistic. So I spend time with them now, tell them I love them, call and visit, tell them about my life and make some memories that I can remember when the time comes that they’re no longer here with us, whether that’s on my wedding day, 5 years from now, or next week. 

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