(Closed) Dad married stepmom in secret & is just now telling me!!!

posted 8 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
543 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I’d name just your father. It’s correct for etiquette and you don’t have to include names just because they’re helping fund the wedding. If you do any kind of speech or thank yous at the reception, you can always thank others then.

Post # 4
Member
870 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

For my graduation I had them say “daughter of Jane Doe and John and Jen Doe” so everyone was included but I named my mom first since she was the single one but we all have the same last name.

Post # 5
Member
248 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

Here are some options I’ve found online:

Mr. and Mrs. Father Bang Bang and Ms. Mother Maiden Name Bang Bang

 along with

Mr. and Mrs. Father-in-Law New Last Name

request the honour of your presence 

at the marriage of their children 

Your Full Name

and 

Fiance Full Name

on Saturday, the twenty-fifth March 
two thousand eleven 
at XXX in the morning/evening 

Address location

 

OR

Mr and Mrs. Father BangBang
and 
Ms. Mother Maiden Name BangBang
request the honour of your presence 
at the marriage of their daughter 
Your Full Name
to 
Fiance Full Name
son of Mr. and Mrs. Father NewLastName
Saturday, March 25,2011
at whatever o’clock in the morning/evening 
Address 

Post # 6
Member
714 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@missbangbang: Whose names appear on the invitation should have nothing to do with who is contributing financially.

Post # 7
Member
248 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I do have to disagree–

just because everyone doesn’t follow “proper” etiquette today doesn’t mean it doesn’t matter but it is simply your choice how traditional you want to be with wedding etiquette, and everyone is different–I’m very traditional, but I respect if you want to be more untraditional with your choices and roles (and everyone does so for different reasons). My wedding is being paid for in the very traditional sense–MY parents are paying for the wedding. My fiancé’s parents will pay/host the rehearsal dinner. Therefore, only my parents names will be on the wedding invitation, while only my fiance’s parents names will be on the rehearsal dinner invitation. This is not meant to hurt feelings, and exclude–it’s just a traditional way of showing who is hosting the event. 

Therefore-if you want ALL your parents names on the invite, your decision. If you want only those who are hosting–your decision. However, I would say being that I’m very traditional and come from an area where it is expected my invitations will be this way, and the costs will be handled this way–I’m not hurting feelings and people wont feel excluded from not being on the invitation. If you feel your mom will feel excluded–I think it is definitely a valid reason to throw “proper” etiquette out the window and include her on the invite despite her not helping pay. However, it is also a valid reason to not include her on the invite if you want to follow proper etiquette. It’s worth discussing it with her. 🙂

Post # 8
Member
109 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I hate all the agony over wedding invite wording! It just doesn’t seem like its worth it really. I get so irked when I hear people saying that a parent that contributes the most wants a place on the invite to be recognized for the financial contribution. To me, it ends up feeling like parents are showing off and the real meaning of the day is being lost.

Families have different financial backgrounds. My FI’s family would love to contribute loads to our wedding but I know they can’t. My parents on the other hand are in a place to contribute. I wouldn’t dream of excluding his family from the invite just because they don’t have as much money as my family.

Also, I would be so annoyed if my parents demanded only their name be on the invite. I feel like it’ll be hard enough once we’re married to decide which coast to spend Christmas on, I don’t need our parents fueling that drama by demanding that they need their names on the invites and causing trouble before we’re even married. Thank goodness my parents are well aware of this and helpful.

My advice, put whoever on the invite you feel appropriate. Are you close to Stepmom? Even if real mom doesn’t contribute do you think it’ll be more awkward to see her included or excluded? Don’t let your invite turn into a billboard for your family drama. Do you want people to look at the invite and think “hmmm why isn’t her mom on here?” or do you want them to think “oh, look how lovely, all the parents, stepparents and everyone are coming together and throwing a wedding”.

There’s a lot of other support besides financial support. If its emotional support of your relationship I think that’s worth way more then anything.

Put whoever you feel like. Go with your gut. If you explain like a rational adult that you have a good reason for wanting things this way, then everyone should agree. If you want to give your dad a shout out at the wedding then print something extra in the program or give a little toast to him for all the help. People will know what you mean.

At least your FI’s dad didn’t decide to become a woman when your Fiance was a teenager. Figure out how to put that on an invite… haha. I’m serious…

 

 

Post # 9
Member
426 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

Just FWIW, my dad did the same thing to all of us (myself and 3 siblings) with his current – 3rd wife. In fact, he eloped to Tahoe when I lived not more than an hour away at the time, and didn’t tell me until months later. It kind of set the tone for things to come, and it really hurt at the time. If the wording on the invites is causing you so much stress, I really recommend your name, his name, TOGETHER WITH THEIR PARENTS, request the pleasure of your company…

Post # 11
Member
10851 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

Darling Husband has a lot of family politics. To keep things simple, we just did:

Together with our families

Bakerella and Mr Bakerella

Invite you blah blah blah

I think my parents were a touch disappointed, but understood that with so many dynamics going on it was the thing that made the most sense!

Post # 13
Member
1876 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

In my opinion I think it’s a little mean to leave your mom off the invite. Okay so she isn’t giving $$ but I’m sure she’s supporting you in other ways. I like the ideas listed by southernbride10 

Post # 14
Member
987 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2009

i klike southernbrides options listed above that include everyone.  I think leaving your mother off is a little harsh despite it being your fasther who is contributing more financially.  emotional support which may come from your mother shouldn’t be overlooked. 

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