Post # 1
My dad lost his job and has been living with us for the past few months. His prospects for work have not been good. He is very depressed and difficult to be around. We are supporting him financially (providing meals etc. and he has nothing to contribute).
I feel so stressed out and so does my fiance. We arent even married yet and just bought a house together. I feel selfish for feeling upset about the situation but I really wanted to live in my own house with just my husband and I’m being deprived of that with no end in sight. I feel like it’s hurting our relationship. We have little time alone and the dynamic of our 2 person household has changed comepletely.
Thanks for the vent. Any advice? am I just being selfish? How do I get through this time?
Post # 3
You’re not being selfish. My Father-In-Law is currently living with us, and even though we invited him, I am counting down the weeks until he leaves. Even if you have an incredible relationship with your dad, it’s hard 1) to not have that intimate/private time with your Fiance and 2) to financially support another person and add in extra expenses (especially in the midst of wedding planning). I’ve notice that finding the time to do the little things is the most difficult, cuddling on the couch together, or having a private conversation. Not too mention that now you have another person to cook and clean up after and try to include in weekend plans, etc…
One thing that has helped us is to just make certain times of the day private times for me and my husband and daughter. We “go to bed” at 9 pm, and spend that time alone in bed, watching tv, cuddling, and talking. In the mornings, we also spend our getting ready time together before work, which is kinda nice. Also, ask your dad if he can help out once in a while. If he can do a load of dishes or throw together dinner once a week, that will take some of the weight of your shoulders and free up some of your time. The other thing that helped us is to ask my Father-In-Law to go out sometimes. He went to a movie this weekend, and it was SO NICE to be just the three of us together for a couple hours. The main thing is that, while you want to help out your dad, you also need to take care of you and your Fi’s relationship first. Hopefully, this is just a temporary fix, and your dad will be back on his feet in no time.
Post # 4
Thanks for the advice. We never had a tv in the bedroom so we just put one in there. We’re starting to “go to bed” early so that we can have some alone time. I think that helps. I hope once the weather is a little better we’ll be able to get out of the house more and that will help too.
My father was super helpful in the beginning. He cooked and cleaned pu a lot. But now that a few months have passed it seems to be fading. I too hope that this is just a temporary situation! I’m fearing its not though! & that really is a hard pill to swallow.
Post # 5
You sound so sincere and genuinely kind. Your father also sounds like he’s in bad shape. Hi from a neighbor in ny, btw! First off (and I’m no shrink), I would talk with your dad, heart-to-heart, about the situation, all of it – yours and your FIs and his (bet along with all your feelings, he’s feeling pretty guilty about this situation). You might want to get a sense from him about what his thinking is in terms of a timeline and express to him clearly but lovingly that this was not your picture of you and FI starting out together in a new home, marriage etc. but that you understand life sometimes deals us tough blows. You’ll obviously be sensitive to the very difficult things he’s experiencing, but talk with him about his job prospects or lack thereof. Maybe you can think creatively with him about that and come up with some ideas, and maybe you should talk frankly with him about his financial situation (unless you already know it and that would be cruel). Make plans together, you two and him – towards a job for him or some activities that get him out of the house, plus a goal or timeline for him to move on with his life in his own space, and meantime, about ways in which you and your Fiance you can have time as a couple, including in the house so you don’t feel awkward and it’s out in the open that you two want this and need some boundaries but love him at the same time (the tv in your room was a good idea and with the weather breaking like you said will help). Not easy but I bet there’ll be a breakthrough. Two more little things – at least you have a house and not an apartment (lol) and at least your Dad’s still around.