Dad Not Attending Wedding

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 2
1203 posts
Bumble bee

Girl…fuck your father. He doesn’t deserve to walk you down any aisle, he doesn’t even deserve to be at your wedding and he certainly doesn’t deserve to be taking up so much emotional space in your life.

Enjoy your wedding with the people who have loved and supported you unconditionally, get back into therapy to help you understand that you have done nothing wrong and live a happy and fulfilling life with people who respect and cherish you.

Post # 3
2458 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle

Oh Bee, I’m so sorry for the terrible way your so-called father has treated you.  You didn’t ask too much in any way.  He clearly wants to be the number one priority in your life, whilst treating you as a second-class citizen.  Honestly, I wouldn’t bother making contact with him again.  Refusing to be in the same room as your mother and stepdad when the breakup was thirty years ago is, quite honestly, utterly ridiculous.  He wants to you come chasing after him and beg for his time and affection, which he then might graciously give you a crumb of – in short, he wants to control you.  Don’t give him the satisfaction.  Keep going to therapy, mourn the father you deserved but didn’t get, and have an amazing wedding (and walk down the aisle with your stepfather, who apparently is able to behave like an adult and an actual father, even if he’s not biologically your father).

Post # 4
1356 posts
Bumble bee

It sounds like  he is a manipulative bully. I am sorry but that is what I see. He is playing mind games and trying to guilt you into doing things he wants you to do. Has he ever prioritized you? 

Spend your wedding and time with people who truly care about you and your happiness. Ease him out of your life. You are hanging on to something that really should be let go.

Post # 5
702 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

He’s a freaking asshat. He’s manipulative and immature and you don’t need that negative energy at your wedding. I know you want your whole family there, but isn’t your stepdad really the dad your dad wasn’t? It took me a long time to get over losing certain family members due to their behavior (it’s genetic, a mother and daughter with the same issues) but now my life is so much easier. You don’t need him. 

Post # 6
1260 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2018 - UK

Honey, he’s an asshole. I have a nightmare father too, he hadn’t spoken to me for over 20 years now, his decision, but he continually lies to other family members. My grandma died believing he’d been trying to contact me for years and that I was refusing to speak to him, when in fact he hasn’t tried since 1997. Like you, I wasn’t told when my grandmother died until after the fact.

When the behaviour has gone on for this long, he’s unlikely to ever change. You haven’t asked for anything unreasonable, he’s just behaving like a child and saying nasty things to try to make you feel bad until you do things his way. Don’t let him manipulate or bully you. 

For what it’s worth, I didn’t even consider inviting mine to my wedding, and I don’t regret the decision one bit.

Good luck with this, Bee. I fully understand how much it sucks to have a parent who behaves this way. Stay strong and don’t let him ruin this special time in your life xx

Post # 7
4767 posts
Honey bee

I won’t say it was unreasonable of you, but I also think you maybe didn’t think of the implications of two people with a contentious relationship sharing a role and being in close proximity.    Sometimes you just seat people on the opposite sides of the room and hope they can behave for a few hours (not sure why he would think your mom and step-dad wouldnt be invited at all).  In that situation, I probably would have picked no one and forgone that tradition or picked one person who I am actually close to regardless of their gender, such as mom or just step-dad (since you don’t appear to have a good relationship with your dad).

However, being manipulative and emotionally blackmailing is never ok.  But that sounds like same-old same-old for him and you just keep hoping things will change.  Stop.  You can’t make him change.  You can’t take him love you.  So at this point you need to decide if the person he is right now is someone you like and want in your life and be prepared to have a realistic relationship with THAT person, not the idealized version in your head where he’s suddenly your daddy like in a hallmark movie and you make up for lost time.  The realistic version is that he’s likely always going to be selfish and come and go in your life on his terms and have a superficial relationship with you.  Take it or leave it.  If you take it, stop expecting more.

So at this point there is nothing more you can do.  I would probably text or email him in response with “I’m sorry you feel unable to set aside your differences for a few hours, but I understand everyone has to make the best decisions for themselves in life.  This is probably for the best If you are incapable of being civil.”

And then just stop trying.  Seriously.  Stop investing in someone who isn’t invested in you unless you’re a masochist.

Post # 8
13555 posts
Honey Beekeeper

OP, this has nothing to do with you or anything you did. Your father has issues and already told you he would not have attended if your mother was there even if the wedding was local. Or, I’m very willing to bet, even if he had been the only one asked to walk you down the aisle. 

It is an incredibly petty and immature attitude. While hurtful and disappointing, based on his history it should really come as no surprise. I’m sorry.

Post # 10
5705 posts
Bee Keeper

Your father is a really shitty parent and a really shitty person. He’s the type that you cut out of your life because he’s too painful to keep in. Enjoy your wedding without his petulant ass in attendance

Post # 11
1509 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

View original reply
badwolf87 :  I know how it feels to be left out by your father, for his new family. 

Honestly, he can choose whether to come or not.  But you can choose everything else.  Plan your wedding for you and it will be amazing whether he comes or not.  But you will be far more frustrated if you try to plan things around him and he still doesn’t come. 

If he doesn’t come, have your Step-dad walk you down the aisle. 

Have your home reception too if you want – again whether he comes or not is up to him. 

If you are concerned about others asking, I didn’t have my estranged mum at my wedding (though I had other family members from her side) and no one said anything about it.  

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