(Closed) Dad or Stepdad?

posted 10 years ago in Family
Post # 3
13 posts

Wow, this is exactly my situation, so I’ll be watching this with interest.

For me, in an ideal world I would walk down the aisle myself.  I know that’d hurt peoples’ feelings and so I’m sucking it up and having my dad walk me down the aisle and dancing with my stepfather first as sort of a compromise. 

I’m not sure how I’ll feel about this later but for now it seems like the path of least resistance.

Post # 4
46 posts
  • Wedding: December 1969

Can you have each of them walk you part way down the aisle and walk the end of it by yourself?

Post # 5
1423 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

ablossoms — fabulous idea!  It’s also kind of symbolic in a "these people ‘helped’ (euphamistically speaking) me to grow, and now I am grown and making this journey on my own" sort of way.  I may do that myself. 

Post # 6
596 posts
Busy bee

you don’t mention how your relationship with your mother is but would it be possible for her to walk you down the aisle? 

Post # 7
438 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2008

I had a similar situation, but I was closer with my stepfather than with my dad, though they are both in the picture.  I am not sure what you mean by "How will people even see me going down the aisle if I’m surrounded by men?"  Being that I had each of them walk me halfway, I don’t really think it is appropriate putting it that way.  You aren’t surrounded by men, you are surrounded by your father figures…..that being said, it sounds like you aren’t close to either of them at all?  I basically told my two dads that they would both be doing it, no questions asked….it was not easy to get to that point however, my biological father was strongly opposed….you can probably find my numerous posts about the whole situation.  However, what I did learn at the end of all of it was how each of them felt during my sister and I’s growing up years.  My father had felt like he was being pushed aside and my stepdad was taking over.  My father is a quiet, introverted person, and never really voiced his feelings.  I do think part of this is that he let this happen, and wasn’t open with us.  Being older, I now have a better respect for that kind of situation.  My stepfather had tried to not get too close and avoided any sort of "taking over fatherly responsibilities", simply to allow my father to stay in our lives that way.  However, since we lived with him since I was probalby 8, naturally we became closer.  The reason why I am saying all of this is because while maybe your fathers weren’t the greatest, or you aren’t as close as some, there could be reasons for both of them.  Not to say its an excuse, but I simply cannot imagine how I would feel if my husband and I had a child, later got divorced, and then we had new SO’s in our lives.  Its a very strange situation, and its nothing you can begin to imagine unless you are experiencing it.  I think whether its your father or stepfather, dad’s really look forward to that one moment where they are giving their daughters away…..its like the last time that you are their child for them, then you are an adult with your own family.  I think it is extremely hard for them.  I feel like if your father and stepfather are in your life in any way, thats a plus, and I think giving them the respect and honor of that is important.

Post # 8
638 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2007

I think having neither of them walk you down the aisle is less hurtful than choosing one over the other.  Just talk to them both individually and say you don’t feel like you should be ‘given away’ so you are walking yourself down the aisle.  Hopefully they will understand.

Maybe to pacify them you do half a father/daughter dance with each of them – if you don’t mind doing that.


I kinda understand what you are going through emotionally – my husband’s father is pretty much a horrible parent for many reasons.  Seriosuly the hubby doesn’t like any contact with him.  But then there’s a side of him that I think still wishes things were different and his dad was a real dad – and doens’t want to hurt his feelings (why he was even invited to the wedding).  This pull within my hubby’s heart was something I learned during the wedding process.  It took me a while to really understand.  From the outside I only hear all the negative stuff he says about his dad, and see how hurt the hubby is over it.  So my thought is who cares if his feelings are hurt – he made his bed, let him lay in it.  Ya know.  We had quite a few times during the wedding planning where all the sudden my hubs would have a change of heart and want to make sure we didn’t hurt his dad – but really there was no avoiding it.  The hardest part is watching him be the same emotional abusive selfish dad to his 4 new kids.  Blah!

Post # 9
134 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2008

Could your mother walk you down the aisle? I don’t know about you, but while my dad and step-dad were huge parts of my life and very much influenced my childhood, my mom was really the one who raised me. I think that is the case for a lot of daughters and mothers of divorced famliies. 

I’m having my dad {and possibly my stepdad} walk me down the aisle, but if something happened to my father between now and then I would go it alone or with my mom. I wouldn’t want my step-dad to be a replacement for my father.  Unfortunately, my dad’s health is far from perfect so I’ve been thinking of this lately.

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