(Closed) Dad pressuring me to keep my maiden name

posted 8 years ago in Names
Post # 3
4605 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

No. I’ve never heard of anyone experiencing this. By him saying that he’ll be offended if you change your name because you’ll no longer be a part of the family is overly controlling and he’s contradicting himself on the view that keeping your maiden name is modern, but it keeps you “his”, which is kind of really old school, rather than letting you take your husband’s last name because then you will be “his”.

If you want to change your name, then that’s what you choose to do, and you should do it. You shouldn’t have to explain yourself.

I’ll personally be using this format: First Name, Maiden Name, Married Name.

Post # 4
3871 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

No, I’ve never heard of this before either.  But before I go on, I just need to ask, is your dad from another nationality or of a certain religious belief.  I’m veitnamese and I know there are some things that are acceptable in a certain culture and in others it is not.  I’m just thinking that if there is maybe there are brides who have the same background as you might be able to give you better advice.

Post # 5
130 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

My father is the same. I’m still a waiting bee so haven’t quite crossed that bridge yet but my dad (and mum!) have made it clear they’d prefer for me to keep my maiden name. It’s a tough one.. could you hyphenate it or something? or like SouthernGirl said; firstname maidenname marriedname?

Post # 6
4137 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

your name is not your dad’s decision, end of story. change your name if that’s what YOU want to do! your dad will get over it.

Post # 7
2195 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

I really don’t get why your dad feels this way, unless it’s common in his/your culture to keep your maiden name in some way, and in any event, it is not his right to say what you do with your name.  But perhaps, if his opinion does matter to you, you could legally keep your old last name while adding your new last name, but not use it in practice?  ie, FirstName MiddleName OldSurname New Surname is legally your name, but you go by Firstname NewSurname socially.  That’s what I’m doing.

I don’t really know what to tell you to tell him. He probably does just feel sad that another man has taken the place as #1 dude in your heart (or at least that’s how it seems to him; of course dads and husbands are like apples and oranges).  Hopefully he’ll get over it in time…you’ll still be a member of the family, of course, and will love him just as much and interact with him just as much.

Post # 8
565 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

I have never heard of this before, and i feel it’s a bit odd that your dad feels this way.  you have to tell him or get him to understand that just because you have a new last name doesn’t mean he isn’t your family anymore, he’ll always be your father, and you’ll always love him, however this is not his life, not his decision.  if he loves you, he should respect your decision, whatever you choose, even if he necisarily doesn’t agree with it. 

Post # 9
11325 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

I can kind of understand this. My dad hasn’t really said anything, and neither of my parents have said “you must do this,” but I’ve been struggling with if I’d take my FI’s name, or do a hybrid or whatever. In talking to my mom about it she has said that her and my dad are glad i’m strongly considering keeping my maiden name in there somewhere because it would feel weird to them to have me totally drop it. 

Post # 10
14183 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

You don’t have to justify your choice to him. You’re a grown woman and you gotta do what you want to do and if that includes taking your husband’s name, just let him know it’s nothing personal.

My mom tried to get me to keep my maiden name, too…I just told her it wasn’t happening, wasn’t up for discussion, and to drop it.

Post # 11
987 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2009

Your Dad has had his life – let yourself have yours. 

I’ve heard of the groom’s family being annoyed if the bride doesn’t change names but never this way around before. 

I think the family unit does change once married and definitely if kids enter.  In my opinion you then become a new family unit (not that you rule parents out!!) and establish new rules with your husband.  So when your Dad says ‘We’re a family’ I think he is mistaken.  Your husband is now part of the family and it is the beginning of forming a new unit with him. 

Post # 12
1810 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

Could you explain to him that while you’ll always be a part of his family, you and your FH will be starting your own family and would like to share a name? Even if he doesn’t agree with you, it might help him to know why you’re changing your name. Is it possible that he’s worried that you’re doing it without actually thinking about it…? If so, explain to him why it’s important to you to change your name, and if you’re open to it, you could keep your maiden name in there somewhere.

Also, is there a possibility that he thought you weren’t going to change your name because your mom didn’t, so this is taking him by surprise?

I’m doing: FirstName, MiddleName MaidenName (as second middle name), MarriedName. (My maiden name and FH’s last name are both too long to hyphenate, so this is what I came up with.)

Post # 13
261 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

He is probably struggling with the thought of you not ‘belonging’ to him anymore! My father has suggested that I keep my maiden name, but I have assured him that I will always be his little girl regardless of my surname!

If it is a huge issue you could always hyphenate surnames, but at the end of the day it’s your life and your surname so do what you want and if people are offended they will get over it!

Post # 14
1126 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

While my parents are “fully supportive” of whatever I decide to do, I know they both sort of hope I keep my name or combine them.  Part of it is that they’re really proud of me and like that people know I’m their daughter.  Also, I’m only a few months away from being “Dr. Mylast” and there are no Drs. in my family, so they’re proud of that too. 

I think you should reassure him that you will always be his daughter and always be proud of your family, but that you want to cement your new family unit and unite under one name, because you’re excited about creating the same close family for your kids that you had growing up as his kid.

Finally, if you think it’s going to be a major thing, you could consider making your maiden name a second middle name, which you would not have to use if you don’t want to, but it might comfort him a little.  I would just try to understand what exactly he’s worried about and try to assuage his fears.  Good luck!

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