(Closed) Dad thinks FI is abusive

posted 9 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
5976 posts
Bee Keeper

I would sit your dad down and tell him exactly what you’ve posted here. He hasn’t given him or you any reason to be scared, and given the fact that he’s never raised his voice and deals with situations calmly shows me the exact opposite impression of your Fiance. My husband is the exact same way. He’s very calm during stressful situations, and when he gets frustrated, he certainly doesn’t take it out on me. 

I would just let you dad know how much this bothers you and that he needs to stop making comments like this to you. Your Fiance hasn’t done anything to deserve them and would feel crushed if he found out…and your dad needs to know that.

Post # 4
Member
8734 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

Your Fiance sounds like a very level headed and quiet person who really doesn’t display a large emotional range.

I don’t know how you can get your dad to see that other than just spending as much time as you can with them so hopefully your Fiance starts to open up.

Also, maybe talk to your dad from time to time about the really sweet things he does.

If your dad still keeps down this road, I’d take it to the point to have a real sit down with just you and your dad and try and get to the rot of the problem. What else has he seen (other than your Fiance being quiet) that worrys him. Continue to let him know that you won’t lie to him about your relationship and will come to him if there ever is a concern, but your relationship is stable and good and your Fiance is a good man and just happens to be much quieter then your dad is used to.

Post # 5
Member
7581 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

My husband is similar. He’s not shy or anything, but he stays really calm and relaxed all of the time. Perhaps this is really your fathers issue, Perhaps he used to be similar or someone in his life was, and he watched them explode at times. I would let him know that you’re fine and so is Fiance and communicate that it bothers you that he mentions these things about Fiance. Hopefully he will stop soon.

Post # 7
Member
8734 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

View original reply
@b00kbug: With that additional information it does sound like a classic case of your dad projecting his life experiences onto you and your Fiance. Just because when he was quiet he was bottling up anger, doesn’t mean your Fiance is doing the same thing.

Is your dad still in anger management or any other therapy? It might be something he could talk about with his sponsor or therapist as it’s all a part of his past anger issues.

Post # 9
Member
5891 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

I would stop trying to convince your Dad and just start asking him questions about his life experience.

“Wow, Dad, you’ve been through alot and really worked hard to change how you deal with anger. Were there guys in your group that acted like FI? Did you ever *feel* like you were acting like Fiance on the outside (sometimes people with anger issues think they are super cool on the outside, even when they are not)?”

“Did you ever worry that how you dealt with anger while I was a child would effect the type of spouse I choose in a negative way?”

 

Post # 10
Member
1109 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I agree with PP’s who said this is your dad’s issue. He probably changed his ways so that you wouldn’t marry a guy with anger problems and now he has an irrational fear that he’s hardwired you to seek out abusers.

The more you try to convince him that Fiance is a good guy, the more it looks like you’re covering for him. It’s annoying but after a friend of mine spread a rumor about my Fiance to cover up why she skipped my birthday party, it took my friends just seeing that there were never any signs of abuse to stop worrying. Now they can’t believe they ever thought that, but once it’s in your head it’s hard to get past it.

Just tell him he’s not abusive and that you’re not even going to entertain the idea anymore. Maybe offer to go with him to one of his therapy sessions if he still goes to help him work through the fear he has for you.

Post # 11
Member
1136 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

i don’t believe being quiet is a sign of being abusive… i have heard the saying ‘it’s the quiet ones you need to be careful of’ but i disagree, a person can be abusive regardless to the personality, my ex is very loud, arrogant and cocky and he was abbusive, his best friend has almost the same personality, in fact their so alike in many ways but the friend, is very calm and deals with issues in a proper manner. i also know another guy who is rather quiet but flips like a lightswitch when confronted. 

it is hard to judge such behaviour without good cause as pp have said i would sit down with your dad and talk to him. 

 

good luck x 

Post # 12
Member
2154 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Heh – according to your dad’s psychological assessment, I’m probably a serial killer. WINK.

But seriously, I never show any anger whatsoever, and seldom seldom even feel it. It’s just not really in my – shall we say – emotional repertoire. If you’re happy and feel safe, let your dad know what you’ve told us here. If he can’t get his head around it, he’s the one with the problem. 

Post # 13
Member
609 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2009

i wonder if your dad knew someone like that who then became abusive-beacuse it doesnt sound like in your situation that your Fiance has given any warning signs. I’m sure your dad is just worried from what he has seen before.

I wouldnt tell Fiance because you are right it might cause some issues. BUT you should talk to you dad and ask him why he thinks that. Ask him to point out things Fiance has done to make him concerned or if he’s going off someone elses experiences. That might make him see that he really doesnt have anything to worry about.

 

Post # 14
Member
2299 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Your Fiance sounds like a great guy! I agree that your father is out of line and needs a talking to. I’m quiet and so is my dh, butt nobody thinks we’re abusive to one another for that reason. Just b/c you don’t run your mouth doesn’t mean you have a deep seaded evil inside of you! lol

Post # 16
Member
2154 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Yeah, I don’t think it’s unwise for you to keep this from your Fiance, at least for the time being. I can see how this particular revelation might have the potential to cause some baaaad feelings. 

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