Post # 1
My fiance and I wanted so much to have a small wedding. We wanted to know everyone on our guest list, close friends and family only. 60-100 people was ideal. We ended up at 117 and that was bare minimum friends and family. I knew my dad would not be a fan, so I took him to lunch to explain why, and told him that the list was already figured out. I told him if there is one or two people that he absolutely couldnt live without, then I’d consider it.
So fast forward a few weeks and I get an email from him and it includes a guest list of 20 people, 19 of which I have ever even heard of, and he claims they are “family”. I tell him that is way too many people, I’ll invite the one guy on that list that I know, but not the rest. He gets upset and tells me if I do not invite these people, he will not come to the wedding.
I was honestly was so offended by that, I almost dont even want him to be there. But heres the scenario- he was offering to give me $25,000 for the wedding. Despite me being disgusted by my dad for trying to threaten his attendance, it would be really nice to have this cash, especially since my fiance and I just bought a fixer upper. Is it worth it for the cash alone? What would you do?
Post # 3
@kittiesandcookies: I was right there with you till I got to the $25K. If I offered to throw someone a $25K party and then they refused to invite 20 people who mattered to me, I would probably refuse to go, too. It wasn’t nice of him to refuse to go, but he was probably feeling pretty hurt and disrespected at that point, too. Nobody really looks great in this situation.
Ultimately, you have to ask yourself: iss not having these people, or your father, at your wedding worth $1190.40 per person to you? Cause that’s what it’s costing you. Plus untold damage to your relationship with your father in the future.
Post # 4
@kittiesandcookies: No freaking way. 19 people you’ve never even heard of but he claims their family? That’s ridiculous. I understand the money would be nice to have, but I would not want 19 strangers at my wedding.
Post # 5
@kittiesandcookies: IMO, if anyone threatens to not come to your wedding because they aren’t getting their way, then they don’t deserve to go anyways. Obviously don’t uninvite your dad, but stand your ground. There’s no way he will miss out, and if he does, he’s the crazy one, not you.
ETA: Just re-read the part about the money he is offering, which changes my answer a little. If you are taking his money, then invite them. If you decide you don’t want to invite them, that’s fine, but I wouldn’t take the money.
Post # 6
- Wedding: October 2014 - Restaurant
If you want the money… you need to invite his people. Sorry he’s pulling that on you, but that’s how it works unfortunately!
Post # 7
- Wedding: July 2014 - Prague
@Bubblesmcgee: Hard to argue with those numbers.
I’d take the money and the extra guests.
Post # 8
Don’t you love when full grown adults act like children?
Anyways, this is how I did it:
I said that I would pay for 150 guests, family and friends of mine. I left 5 guests (from that 150 list) to dad, 5 to mom (they are divorced) and 5 to FMIL. They wanted to invite more people (which is fine by me, but I can’t afford it), so they offered to pay for the extra guests. Mom asked for 30 more and dad for 15 more, they are paying for those guests.
I am sure you can sit down and try to have a compromise. But you need to tell him to chill, that you obviously want him there and that you want him to be happy, but that he needs to understand your position. Anyways I think 25k will of course pay for those guests, so why not? The issue here is him acting like a child.
Post # 9
If someone was offering me $25k I would just suck it up and invite those extra 20. Honestly, if I was giving someone that much money and they told me I didn’t have any say in the invites, I would be pretty upset. I think it was childish of him to threaten not to come but I also think you should be willing to compromise if he is giving you that much money.
Post # 10
@kittiesandcookies: I was #teamkittiesandcookies until you mentioned the $25k! Let him have his way with his 20 people, smile, and keep your house in mind!!
Post # 11
He’s paying for a good portion of the wedidng. Just do it.
Post # 12
Im sure not everyone will agree with me, but I think its just as important for parents to celebrate as it is the bride and groom. Without a doubt, I let FMIL invite as many people as she wanted. Shes actually having more friends come than I am, we are also wanting a small wedding and will have one of approx 60-70 people. 25k goes a long way.. If you really dont like the 19 people, explain that youre comfortable inviting XYZ number (make sure you give a little, like 10) and sit down with him to figure out what people are most important to him. Also thank him for being understanding if hes wiling to cut the list down and still give you guys the money, while it may not feel like a win for you, it is, and the thoughtfulness will help save frustration later on. just my opinion thoigh!
Post # 13
Did he offer the money before the guest list issue or just now as a remedy for the guest list?
Post # 14
@kittiesandcookies: When did he offer the money? Did he say, I will give you 25k and I’d like you to invite these 20 people and then you said no? Or did he offer the money iafter you’d said no? If it’s the first situation that kind of explains his behavior a little though obviously it’d be better if he were acting a little more mature.
Anyway, I’d definitely take the money. Look at it this way, if these are a bunch of people you don’t know it is very likely that many of them will not come, and also pretty likely that they won’t come but will send you a gift. Some of the most generous gifts we got were from friend’s of my FIL, people I’d never met (and some did come but we were happy to have them there).
Post # 15
Way I see it, give back the money and invite whomever you wish, or take the money and invite his friends. There’s no way 20 extra plates of food will cost more than $1000 each, so is your relationship with your dad worth more or less than that? Personally I think he’s being childish, but forcing the issue doesn’t make you any more right.
Post # 16
As long as he is offering to pay for the guests and the venue had capacity, I would just include them. Otherwise you shouldn’t be taking his money.
I certainly understand and respect your wishes to have a small wedding though. I gave up on my parents and told them that they had to pay to play. They invited 300 guests to my wedding.