(Closed) Dad told me tonight that mom filed for divorce in secret. Confused.. upset…

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
65 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: November 2009

I’m so sorry for you :(. This must be really difficult and you have every right to be upset – perhaps not blame them (or your mum) to be divorcing but because of how it’s happened.

I’d agree with you you really should see someone professionally, it will help you with your grief & to make sure you can restore your relationship with your mum.

Post # 5
16213 posts
Honey Beekeeper

Wow, I am so sorry to hear that. You must just be so shocked. I haven’t experienced this, so I can’t weigh in from personal experience, but please know that you’re not alone. I’m hoping some more ladies can chime in with advice. Thinking of you!

Post # 6
9692 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

I haven’t experienced it from your side but I feel for your pain.  Breakups are never easy on anyone and you’re innocent in all of this.  It’s so sad that children have to deal with the fallout from their parents divorcing.  I divorced my ex when my son was a toddler and it was still very difficult for him, even at that age, it broke my heart.  Now he doesn’t remember us ever being together at all.  So I think in your case it must be so much more difficult.  The other day my son told me him and his girlfriend of four years broke up, and I’ve cried about it as much as both of them have, I’m sure.  All I can say is I’m so sorry and give yourself time to grieve your loss.  Also, try not to take sides for either parent, as hard as I can imagine that must be, divorce is never easy for anyone.  ((Hugs))

Post # 7
52 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2013 - Riverviews Art Space

This is awful. I am so sorry to hear about this. There is really nothing worse than an unexpected divorce/split. About 6 yrs ago my step dad and mom separated and it is NOT fun.  The thing that helped me the most, and still does, is talking to a third party (specifcally a counselor) about it.  Talking about it and being open with your feelings with both of your parents is a must to keep from harboring bitterness and resentment.  Once again, I am so very sorry you have to go through this. Take comfort in those who love and support you!

Post # 8
545 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

First of all, so sorry you are going through this.

I was 20 when my mom filed for divorce. Every divorce is different and i hope you do not go through what I did/still deal with. As for holidays, etc. we try to split time between the two families as much as possible. If I have 4 days off from work, I will spend 2 days with my dad and 2 days with my mom. 

My older brother got married after the divorce and things were tense. Mainly because my mom is known to fly off the handle, so again I hope your mom is a little more mature and you don’t have to deal with this. 

For my wedding, I am just telling everyone to be adults (both of us have divorced parents) and i am going to try really hard to not dwell on if they are uncomfortable. 

To be completely honest, my relationship with my mom is also…rocky. For the first 5 years or so, I would often go visit my dad and not tell my mom I was in town. Partly because I knew she would be upset and partly because I did not want to deal with her 

((hugs)) to you

Post # 10
778 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I’m sorry, hun. This must be really hard on you, and I’m glad your SO is being so supportive.

I know you don’t think it’s possible that they will be happier for this, but try to keep an open mind. Yes, it’ll be hard on both of them for quite some time, and it doesn’t seem fair to your Dad and watching a marriage end is always a terribly sad thing. But relationships that are so difficult to make work and require so much effort aren’t healthy and don’t make people happy in the long run.

The best advice I can give is to try to be strong for your Dad. Rely on your friends and SO for your emotional support, and do your best to offer support and emotional shelter for him while he’s going through this. Be sure to include him/go out of your way to do things with him, like having him over for dinner, going for hikes or to ballgames or movies. He’s going to feel like his life is crashing down around him for a while, but if he has something good and positive going for him–if your relationship with him is better than ever and he can take solace in the fact that he raised a strong, loving, kind daughter–it will help him more than you know.

Post # 11
248 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

My parents divorced when I was 24. They actually split when I was 21 (when I was on honeymoon with my first husband).  The split was so bad it took 3 years for the divorce to go through due to the financial wrangling, etc.

My father left my mother for another woman.  Obviously, at the time my main sympathies were with my mother.  I had known for about 3 years beforehand that their marriage was not happy, and that my father had had previous affairs…affairs that for all her talk, my mother had never forgiven him for.  Instead of splitting at the time, she chose to stay with him…and then proceeded to make his life, and everyone elses, a misery with her bitterness and resentment.  To this day, I wish they had split then.

My mother demanded myself and my two brothers have no further contact with my father. At the time, there was so much stress I did it.  I haven’t seen my father since the day after my first wedding.

23 years later, I’m now more angry with my mother than my father.  I’ve been through 2 marriages, and other relationships, and I can say with certainity that NO ONE knows what really goes in a marriage, except the two people involved.  Frankly, my mother had NO RIGHT to ask what she did – it was emotional blackmail.   She didn’t deserve to have her marriage end – but more importantly, I didn’t deserve to lose my father.  It was emotional blackmail, pure and simple. 

My advice – listen to them both, but try not to get involved.  This is, in the end, their business, not yours.  You deserve to have both parents in your life…even if, for a while, your relations with one may be strained. 

Post # 12
5371 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014 - Ontario, Canada ♥ EDD- April 2016

My parents aren’t divorced but I know what you’re going through. I don’t really have any advice I can give you though 🙁 I had a scare almost exactly like this a couple weeks ago. My parents worked everything out, but I was almost in your shoes and it felt horrible. I’m so sorry you’re going through this ♥

Post # 13
188 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@booEXcore:  I’m very sorry this is happening, and that you and your dad both had to find out that way.

My parents split up when I was a kid, so I imagine the pain of experiencing their divorce as an adult is a bit different. It was horrible, but as time passed I realized they were better off. They made each other miserable. I remember being curled up in the corner of my bedroom with my hands covering my ears while they screamed at each other in the next room. They do get along better now. They’re not friends, but they can be in the same room without being cruel to each other or standoffish. They even joke around! And though they’re both single and I know they’re lonely, they’re still happier than they would be if they had stayed together.

Time will help. Counseling is a good idea if you’re having a hard time coping on your own or harboring a lot of resentment toward your mother. I know you feel more compassion for your dad right now, and she went about this in a harsh way, but she’s hurting, too.

Take good care of yourself and remember, just because their marriage is over doesn’t mean yours is doomed. Counseling can help with that, too, to ensure you’re not carrying baggage from your parents’ divorce into your relationship. It sounds like your SO is a wonderful shoulder to lean on, though, so I’m sure you’ll be fine! 🙂

Post # 14
4352 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

My parents split up the week after I got engaged (my mom left my dad). It seemed like it came from nowhere, though my mom claims she was unhappy for several years before she left. It has been tough so far, and I’ve felt a lot of the same feelings are you’re feeling right now. The best advice I can give is try not to pick sides, and don’t let them vent to you. Its really helpful to talk to a counselor, and maybe even talk to both of them with a counselor present.

As far as the wedding goes, that will really vary based on your situation. I know my parents will both be there and be civil to eachother and be supportive of me. I also know it will be tough for both of them, because they haven’t (and probably won’t have) seen the extended family since the split. But I’m sure they will do their best to keep the focus off of them and on the start of my marriage.

Post # 15
1006 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I am so sorry. A similar thing happened with my parents and it’s now been almost 6 years since my mom left and I am still angry with her about it. (I was 23 and had just moved across the country alone to start a new job) My parents were not getting along well for years and we all knew it would happen eventually but you would think that after 35 years of marriage, they would just talk it out and let us (the grown kids) know. Instead, my mom packed up her car in secret and told my dad that she was leaving just before she walked out the door and drove away. She called us while she was driving! I was in the grocery store when I got the call and I think I fell down in the aisle.

You have every right to be upset. Please do talk to someone professionally and try to forgive your mother and move on because that has really been the hardest part for me and it has hugely affected our relationship.

Let yourself be upset and angry though, it’s ok to feel the way that you do.

Post # 16
2126 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I’m going through something similar. My mother and father have been divorced since I was 12, but my mom has been remarried now for nearly 18 years to a wonderful man who I really love, and who me and my siblings adore and consider a second father. My mom is thinking of leaving him now…and it’s been really hard on the entire family. They do have one child “together” who is 17, and she’s takng their problems quite hard as well. It’s tough, life as I know it will change if they can’t work it out…but I’ve been there before when I was very young, I don’t remember it being easy. I remember crying when we left  and my father being very angry at us all for a long time (my mom emmediatly took up with her now husband when she split from my dad) so I think he kinda was angry at us for not telling him about it but we were just kids and had been taught to mind our own business. Even now, at 29, this hurts seeing my mom end yet another marriage to someone I care for deeply, who has become a fixture in my everyday life, who tries in earnest to make things work. Sometimes I think my mom’s being a brat…other times, when I truly reflect on things objectivley, I can see why she’s unhappy, and I can relate to her feelings to some degree. I think that’s what you have to try to do if you can. Also, I started seeing a counselor at my school, because with this and my wedding and everything, it’s just too much to bear. It does help, I think you should go for it.

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