(Closed) Dad upset over Step-Dad’s involvement

posted 8 years ago in Ceremony
Post # 3
Member
1014 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Can you have them both walk you all the way down the isle?  One dad on each side?  I think it’s very generous of you to include your bio-dad, and the fact that he’s being rude about it is just ridiculous.  If it were me, I’d say this is how it’s going to be, or stepdad will be the only one walking me down the isle.  It sounds like your stepdad is really the one who raised you and was there for you.  It’d be unfair to him to say because you bio-dad is blood, he’s more important.  That’s just crazy… especially if stepdad has been a good dad to you.  My sister had my dad (technically her stepdad) walk her down the isle because he’s the one who raised her, he is her dad, even if not by blood.

Post # 4
Member
966 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I agree 100% with simplifiedbride.

Post # 5
Member
214 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I love your idea and I wouldn’t budge an inch. Being the donor of half your genetic make-up does not automatically imply any special emotional bond. I agree with simplifiedbride on this one – bio dad plays nice or he’s fired. 

Post # 6
Member
3295 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

first of all it is not his ‘right’. just because he is your biological dad does not give him any ‘right’ to walk you down the aisle. this is purely a personal desicion. i was in the same boat as you, i love my stepdad and he has raised me since i was a kid… my dad was never around, and when i do see him its only at family holidays etc. so i just opted to have my mom walk me down.   i think you need to have a heart to heart with your dad and explain the situation and how you feel to him 🙂

Post # 7
Member
2204 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Ask him how he would feel if the position was reversed and it was one of his step-kids getting married.

Post # 8
Member
7975 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I don’t think you should change your plans either. And I think you need to tell him that he is causing you pain and stress, because he’s acting immature when he should be supportive!

Post # 9
Member
459 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

In my opinion, you have good rational, logical, and emotional reasons for the choice you make.  Just because someone is your blood, doesn’t mean anything (in my opinion).  I think that you should go with your original plan as it respects both of the fathers in your life.

-Good Luck

Post # 10
Member
74 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I think you are being very accommodating and respectful of the both of them. Your Dad should respect your wishes and be appreciative of your consideration of him. I would tell him that you are doing things the way you said and if he doesn’t like it he can stay seated. I would also make it very clear to him that any outbursts at your wedding will not be tolerated. He is being immature and not considering your feelings. He should appreciate the fact that someone cared enough to take you in as his own, while your biological father was busy fathering other kids.  

 

Post # 11
Member
136 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Okay, I have a slightly different perspective as a step-mom-to-be.  Family courts generally give kids to the mother during a divorce, and it’s REALLY hard for a dad to get anything more than every other weekend, even if he wants more.  It kills my FH inside to know that his ex’s husband spends more time with his daughter than he does, but there’s nothing he can do.  I know your step-dad was there for you, but at the same time, it’s probably not your dad’s fault that he wasn’t as much, you know what I mean?  Short of following your mother wherever she went, there probably wasn’t much he could do about the distance between you all. 

That having been said, I think the way you have things split is fair, but try to understand your dad’s perspective: that he’s had to share you forever/play second fiddle to some other dude simply because he separated from your mom.  Instead of “putting your foot down” and calling him immature, maybe just talk to him about his feelings and where the outburst came from.  Talk to him about maybe becoming closer as adults in a non-wedding related way.

Just a thought from someone who’ll probably have to watch her Fiance go through this in 20 years…

Post # 12
Member
8353 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2011

I am sorry you are having to go through this. The way you have it planned is perfect. I am sorry, but if your biological father doesn’t agree, maybe he shouldn’t be involved. He is being very selfish.

Post # 13
Member
459 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@HisButtercup (which OMG is sooo super cute)!  I think the reason that some of us are saying that the step dad deserves the honor, or at least why I did, is that the OP made the comment that the only time her dad sees her (currently, as in as an adult) is when SHE visits him – I took that as he doesn’t make the effort to visit her.  I may be wrong with interpreting that statement that way though.  That’s just the way I took it. 

So though I understand why her dad would feel that way, I also think that he should be respectful of his daughters decisions and feelings 🙂

-Good Luck with everything!

Post # 14
Member
136 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

@SouthernTulip: I understand what you mean, but without knowing the backstory it’s hard to take that one statement to mean that he doesn’t make an effort… My dad hasn’t been down to TX to see me once in the last few years; I always go to see my parents because 1) I don’t have the space for him to stay, 2) my schedule’s more flexible.  It’s not because he doesn’t love me. 

I’m just saying, from the other side, that guys get emotional too, and that it’s not as cut and dried as him not respecting her decision, though I’m absolutely NOT saying that she should change her plans.  Weddings are a big deal to families, and I think it might be helpful is she sat down and talked to him about why he’s feeling what he is.  I think if she has a calm conversation with him, as supposed to saying, “it’s my way or the highway,” it might result in better relationships all around.

Post # 16
Member
396 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

I would not change your plans at all! I know exactly how you are feeling, biological was around until I was about 3 then pretty much disappered until I was about 18, step has been always been there for me since I was about 10, however I have an uncle who has been there since the day I was born and he is the one walking me down the aisle.

I came right out and told my dad, and my step dad that my uncle was the one who has been then for me from beginning to end, and that my biological dad was only there for the beginning and thankfully my step dad has been there for the second half of my life. I cried and cried after saying this because for some reason I felt bad having to say that to them. But I wouldn’t want it any other way my uncle has put in the time and effort to always be there for me and he deserves to be honored in my wedding.

Both of my dads will get a father daughter dance, and I have also had to remind my biological dad that it’s my decision and it wasn’t made lightly and instead of giving me grief about it, he should focus on us continuing our relationship we have now!

Best of luck!

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