- 8 years ago
- Wedding: February 2012
My parents are going through a divorce right now. It happened during our long engagement. My mother was asked to speak right from the beginning of the engagement, my father specifically was not. I was always going to be a bride walking down the aisle alone. FOB is getting a father/daughter dance. I am on speaking terms with both of my parents, but I do not live on the same side of the country as them by choice. They both have a history of severe mental health problems.
I am in town the week before my wedding as we had been planning long distance. Wanting to spend time with him before the wedding, I saw my father for the first time last night since his divorce. We went skating at a public, outdoor rink. FOB spent the whole time crying and ranting at us. He says that he loves us and while he wants out day to be great, unless he can work through it with his psychiatrist before the wedding he won’t be attending.
His reasons are that he does not think it is “fair” given the circumstances for either MOB or himself to speak. I tried to convince to him to think of ways that he would be comfortable with attending. We are vetting her speech beforehand and it is seriously only a few mnutes in length, max. He was hurt (his word) that he was not asked to speak. While he is in my life, that is not the relationship that I have with him. I would not let that man near a microphone. He cannot get through full sentences on a topic unrelated to his divorce without switching back to it. Last night he yelled that he wanted to beat MOB in some pretty specific detail. Divorce aside, he gave a speech at my older brother’s wedding 2 yrs back and it was so offensive it made my sister and current Bridesmaid or Best Man cry. His speech mostly centered around how sorry he felt that my brother grew up with only sisters. He always “apologizes” when he says it (well, honey, I’m sorry, but…) but he -frequently- degrades women in his everyday conversation despite my having brought it up to him that that is an issue for me.
Since the divorce my dad has done some fairly reprehensible things to my mother. He would stalk her in his car both when she was on foot and back and forth in front of her new place, trapped her in the back yard of our old family house and would not let my baby sister open it when he heard the yelling, and recently sent her 30 roses and 1 black one (just last week!!!) for their wedding anniversary/valentines. The cops have been called on him when he did trap her in the back yard in her car, but as he is a policeman himself, he spoke his way out of it. His behaviour is completely inappropriate and very uncomfortable for MOB to put up with.
I’m not saying MOB is a saint. My BM/sister would absolutely reprimand me about wanting to let MOB speak at the wedding after this ultimatum from FOB. She does not have a good relationship with MOB and I am inclined, from experience and understanding, to say that the fault for that lays on the side of MOB. I do not want to ask her to back out of giving the speech though, especially considering how close the wedding is, and I told FOB as much.
I did also tell him last night that I would be walking down the aisle on my own. I have always, always wanted to. I told him to his face. I did not give him time to dwell on it and become bitter and angry about it for months before the wedding as he does about these things. Maybe I was not right on the timing, everyone had already known but him, but I did my best in every situation before this when I had spoken to him and I do make it clear to him what I need to feel comfortable. Needless to say, he went on a tirade about it and was not impressed with me.
If FOB does not come to our wedding I will absolutely face a large amount of reprimands from other family members who judge me very harshly. There are a lot of “family politics” in our circle and since I am away and unable to “defend” myself I am the brunt of a lot of criticism. I am happier with this arrangement overall, but not able to look at this talk from him through the position of someone who does not have that hanging over their head if he chooses to stay home on my wedding day.
Basically, Bees, I needed a place to vent. My Fiance was with me for all of this and agrees with every decision I made. He was proud of me for how I handled myself last night. After this nonsense I came back to our home base for this trip and had a fun sleepover with my two sisters, eating candy, doing FI’s toenails up, giving ourselves facials, and playing cards. Did not bring this up at all, but I know I won’t get through today without people asking me about it.