(Closed) Dad: You’re not giving me away

posted 9 years ago in Ceremony
Post # 16
Member
2550 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I’m walking down the aisle by myself.  I’ve always wanted to walk down the aisle by myself.  I’m over 40.  And I don’t have a relationship w/ my Dad.   I am surprised that he’s hurt by my decision(Mom just told me.) So she wants me to let him say a toast @ our wedding dinner.  I’ve got to think about this because my father can be a little too self righteous. 

Post # 17
Member
167 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

My dad isn’t walking me down the aisle.  As a matter of fact, he said he isn’t even coming.  My dad walked out on our family 12 years ago and I may have seen him 4 times in 12 years.  Although we talk on the phone at least 3 – 4 times a week, I don’t feel like he has earned the right to “give me away” so he may the decision not to come.  Since he made that decision, I’m not even sending him an invitation – no mixed signals.  Although we still talk pretty regularly, I still feel some type of way about it.

Post # 18
Member
871 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

It is my second wedding I am turning 29 (my first marriage crashed and burned I was just a “baby” at 23), however I am still traditional.

My second wedding will be a church wedding with the big white dress and huge reception. My dad will give me away, it really is a personal call. I would feel weird walking down the aisle by myself. I love the tradition and I am not a daddy’s girl but at the same time I am not a theme wedding girl or destination or beach wedding girl…I am the princess gown and veil girl.

Post # 19
Member
34 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I am having my older brother walk me dwn. Our father died when I was eight and my brother has 4 sons and no daughters of his own. I thought that would be very sentimental 2 us both.

Post # 20
Member
6890 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

I just did this today…My dad didn’t take it or not well. He said he wanted to give me away and I said Fiance and I would rather walk in together. He said something about how he feels like my parents should give me away…and I was like okay, I get what you’re saying. However, we are doing a first look and we feel like it is pointless to have the whole “walk down the aisle to you” thing when he has already seen me (just my personal opinion and because my father and I aren’t that close).

I politely stood my ground and told him I would be acknowledging both of my parents once we got to the end of the aisle but that we were doing this our way, because I am not being “given” to my future husband. We AGREED to marry EACHOTHER. 🙂 He seemed a lot better about it after I explained why and how it would work. We aren’t close and didn’t speak for a number of years after my parents divorced, but we are in the process of repairing our relationship. I just don’t feel like it’s his call. It’s mine.

Post # 21
Member
567 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

No, my dad is not walking down with me. We’ve been close on and off in the past when my mom and me still were living with him, but not anymore. My mother and I left him my senior year of high school (he was in jail for his 3rd DUI). I love my dear old dad to death, don’t get me wrong…he just isn’t the person I want to share such a special moment with. It will mean so much more to me to have my dad walk with my mother. I have no brothers, so it just seems perfect.

I plan on walking alone, but I want FH to meet me in the middle instead. We will go ahead with the normal preceding, but when the wedding march comes on for me to walk down, FH will walk toward me, meet me, and then we will hold hands while we walk towards our future together. I tear up just thinking about this moment!

Post # 22
Member
245 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

I think I am going to walk by myself.  My parents went through a rocky divorce some years ago and I didn’t speak to my dad out of anger for a long time. Our relationship, while better, has never been the same. He is helping for some of the wedding though so I feel somewhat guilty. I like how some of you explained it to them as you are not being “given away.” I may go that route with telling him instead of me telling him the truth of why I don’t want him to walk me. And..a father/daughter dance is definitely not happening.  The hard part is WHEN to tell him, I am afraid I may procrastinate and wait until the rehearsal! 

Post # 23
Member
345 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

View original reply
@medsie35:what have you ended up doing?  I’m in a very similar situation to you (although as far as I know he’s not contributing anything to the wedding) – not sure how to tell my dad/what words to use.  how did he take it?

Post # 24
Member
4334 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

While my dad is a pretty good dad (just not a great husband,) I am hoping to walk down the aisle with Fiance.  I haven’t asked him yet, but I’m not attached enough to the idea to start a fight about it or anything, I’m just hoping that he’s not super attached to it. I think I’m going to word it like (first,) “So would you like to have a father/daughter dance? What song would you like for that?” (and then I can evaluate his response to gauge his attachement to things like this,) and then hopefully say something like, “I think it would be really beautiful if you walked down the aisle with mom instead of me, like FI’s parents. How would you feel about that? I would also kind of like to walk down the aisle with Fiance myself, even though I know that’s kinda weird.” (and then tell him my reasons?)

Post # 25
Member
9816 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

I eloped and my family wasn’t there. My father was upset, but maybe if things had been better in the past between us it wouldn’t have been like that. What’s done is done!

Post # 26
Member
116 posts
Blushing bee

Mr. M and I are eloping in Vegas so neither family will know until we’re back.  I was married when I was 22 and my dad gave me away then, so the way I see it, we both already were able to experience that “moment”.  I’m now 29, have a 5 yr old, and my own house, I do not need anyone to “give me away” as I’ve been independant for years 🙂

Post # 27
Member
11 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I completely understand this complexity. I’ll be 37 when I marry for the first time, and although my dad and I have tried to repair our relationship, we most certainly do not see eye-to-eye and definitely haven’t been close. I’m trying to make peace with the fact that he will never be the dad I want, so I can at least appreciate the parts of his personality I inherited and how he wishes he’d done better. That said, I don’t know what to do about this part of the ceremony. . . I like the idea of meeting my FH halfway, but my FH is a bit more traditional, so I’m not sure he’ll want this. I thought about my mom (she raised me 100%) and dad walking me together, but my mom is super shy and this makes her really nervous. I always thought I’d walk alone, but to be honest, it might be nice to have someone to lean on in case I almost trip or something! One night I had a thought that this tradition is perhaps more for my dad, who was 17 when I was born and did have grand hopes for the kind of father he would be. Then, of course, life happened, and those dreams didn’t come true for a myriad of human reasons. But perhaps I can choose not to make this moment about MY hurt over him not being the dad I wanted, and instead simply honor the fact that without him, I wouldn’t be the person I am – including my incredible independence and fiery side that makes me even ask this question to begin with. I’ve thought that perhaps this is the simple gift I can give to the very flawed 17-year-old boy who naively brought me into the world 37 years ago…. yet it is certainly hard to separate the past from the present, isn’t it? Best of luck to all the women out there faced with this difficult decision….

Post # 29
Member
1965 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

I realize this is old, but I’ll still answer. 

I have never wanted to be walked down the aisle. I’m a grown woman entering marriage on my own terms. Also, I don’t speak to my father. It was very easy. My Fiance wanted his dad to walk me down, but I said no. I didn’t want a replacement, I wanted to walk alone. 

Post # 30
Member
302 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

View original reply
JumpingJacks :  I’m having both my parents walk me down together. They are both equally big parts of my life and I want them both to be equal participants in this symbolic transition to a new life. I am very close to both of them and it would hurt my mom to have only my dad walk me down.

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