Post # 1
My fiance and I are getting married and we are in the process right now of choosing the date and location. We have mutually agreed that flying to Maui with a small group of friends and family members would be amazing. We are expensing most of it ourselves. The issue is that I recently have a conversation with my stepmother about how anxious both she and my father are about flying. My dad has given me indications that he wouldn’t like to fly to Maui but he hasn’t just come out and said that to me. They both say that they think we should get married wherever we want but now I’m carrying guilt in my heart about putting them in an anxious situation (flying)….and the only way to not feel that way is to accept that my father may not come (which would be extremely sad for me.)
It’s important to point out that in my life I had a very distant relationship with my dad. He left when I was little and I saw him a few weeks out of every year (around Christmas and about 2 weeks every summer.) Those times were what I looked forward to. I always missed my daddy growing up and he’s a big deal in my heart. Later, in my teen years he made more of an effort to be in my life. We talk several times a month now and don’t see eachother that much because I live 11 hours away. It would be a big deal to me to have him give me away at my wedding… yet, I also realize that it’s me building the fantasy in my head of a dream of the dad I always wanted him to be…and the moment every girl has with her dad on her wedding day. Yet, the reality is that he wasn’t that dad…and Maui is my dream wedding…. and he may not get on the plane.
My fiance is supportive of us having a beach wedding in NC, where my dad is and much of my family)… and I’m sure that it would be beautiful there too…but I would feel that i was rearranging an important life choice for my dad….all for that “ideal” wedding day….even if he hasn’t been the “ideal” father in my life. I’m so torn in my heart. I don’t know how I’ll feel if he isn’t at my wedding. He may surprise me and fly to Maui, which would be a great gesture considering all the time in my life he wasn’t there like I needed him to be….
Any suggestions on how to work out this dilemma? Anyone else going through something similar?
Thanks for your advice.
Post # 3
I don’t know whether you’re willing to compromise, and I wouldn’t blame you at all if you decided to have your dream wedding. But if you are looking for a compromise, could you have the beach wedding in NC and then a honeymoon in Maui?
Before you decide that, though, I think you should sit down and talk to your dad about his concerns and yours. Maybe he is anxious but willing to fly to be there for you. Either way, you’ll both get a better idea of how the other feels.
Post # 4
@Sunshine805: I think you flat out need to ask him if he would come. Just say something like, ‘I know you aren’t exactly comfortable flying, but we really have our hearts set on getting married in Maui. If that’s what we choose, would you be there?’ Then you need to decide what to do based on his answer. Maybe tell him how important it is to you for him to be there.
Post # 5
@iadornyou: I agree that you just need to have a direct conversation with your dad. Let him know your concerns, from the heart. Be honest with him about how much it means to you.
He can take a little anxiety pill or have a drink ahead of time to relax. My mom hates to fly, but she flies to see my sister out East twice a year (for the last 5 years). People are willing to do a lot for the ones they love. I think he will suprise you, if you give him the chance. Don’t change the venue until you’ve talked with him, one-on-one.
Post # 6
I agree with PP’s in that you need to talk to him first before making any decisions. He might just be willing to take a pill and get on that plane.
I have to say though I know whatyou’re feeling. I didn’t have the ideal daddy either, and I know what it’s like to have them try and make amends for it when you’re all grown up. It’s hard, because you’re so happy they want to be there now, but you can’t forget the times you were left without them as a child – wishing they were there (every day).
I had a really hard time choosing a song for the father daughter dance for this reason, They’re all about these dads who are all mushy etc and mine was not like that. I have a hard time even picking a father’s day card for him. But yet I love him the most, and worry about his feelings. How strange it is.
Post # 7
I was giong to say there’s plenty of round trip cruises that go to Maui, but then I realized he’s on the East Coast, so I guess leaving from LA would still involve either a very long drive or a flight.
I think you really need to ask him if he will get on a plane to attend. It would suck to give up your dream wedding to accomodate him only to find out that he would have done it.
Post # 8
I really appreciate all of the feedback. I never knew that getting engaged and planning a wedding would bring up so much emotional turmoil! ha ha.
I’m sure the right knowng will come.