Daddy issues

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
4856 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I just want to say I’m sorry. Abusers run life long smear campaigns to silence their victims. I my case, my entire extended family believes horrible lies about me and are no longer in my life. Entirely their choice, not mine. It hurts. Being related to people who betray you is freaking awful. As for your wedding, all you can do is be glad about the kind people there. Be around people who really care about you. I too wish things could be different , but in reality they just aren’t. 

Post # 4
3158 posts
Sugar bee

I’m sorry, Bee. Childhood pain is some of the deepest, and has such a profound impact on you. I had a very difficult relationship with a close family member. One of the most painful things for me was realizing that person totally failed me, and could never be what they should be to me because of their own shortcomings. It helps the adult me to have an understanding, but not that child me who wonders what I did wrong / why I wasn’t good enough / loveable enough. 

Post # 6
707 posts
Busy bee

First off, it’s not “her” day, it’s “your” day. I understand making everyone happy, specially your mother, but at the end of the day if this is something that is weighing on you this much, then perhaps you should explore if there is a possibility to have them there. 

My Future Mother-In-Law and Future Father-In-Law are divorced, he was abusive to her, they don’t speak.  (I won’t get into it, but it was really bad – it’s hard for my Fiance to talk about it) However, he still attended my FSIL’s wedding and walked her down the aisle even though she would have preferred my Fiance to do so. Future Father-In-Law still attended the wedding, didn’t sit at the same table, of course, he was seated with my FI’s older brother, wife, and his brother and sister in law. The only portion of it that was awkward for us was splitting our time between the two, but I doubt anyone else noticed. 

Future Mother-In-Law kept her composure even when he spoke to her and remembered that he was her daughter’s father, though not a good one, they created a beautiful baby girl who has now turned into a beautiful bride. 

It might be harsh to say this, but if it means this much to you to have them there, then your mother simply needs to get over it and try to understand your feelings.

Post # 7
6320 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

My mother used work in foster care helping find homes for foster children. Something she said to me that really struck me is that most children, given the choice, would choose to go back to their families. They want to be with their parents, the people they love- they just want the abuse or unhealthy situations to stop. Your post reminded me of that. There’s nothing wrong with longing for someone that you loved and who raised you. It’s actually natural and healthy. But the relationship isn’t. Your father definitely isn’t and it sounds like your grandmother isn’t either.

The sad thing is that your grandmother’s behavior is kind of proving that your father didn’t end up fucked up all by himself. She clearly had some hand in helping him along that path.

Maybe you can send her a letter and picture with your engagement announcement or from your wedding after the fact. (If you want to and if having a relationship with her won’t be too painful or hurtful for you.) Sometimes, big life events can help people realize their priorities have been out of wack. Maybe seeing how much she’s missed will help her get her head out of her ass. If not, at least it’s a way for you to update her on progress in your life without her rejecting you to your face and hurting you like that again.

Post # 8
995 posts
Busy bee

OP, it’s completely understandable that your mother wouldn’t want the man who abused and neglected her daughter there that day when it is suppose to be a happy day.

Does you dad genuinely make you happy? Or does he only bring you pain? Do you genuinely want him there? Or do you only want him there because in a sense you “can’t” have him there?

Typical answer, but you really should go to threapy for these issues. You can be helped through to see the situations more objectively, and to learn how to cope without your father in your life. I agree with the above PP, it’s not “crazy” or “stupid” to miss your father…but it is crazy and stupid to expect him to magically change. Please remember there is NOTHING wrong with you. Your father sounds like he has deep-seated issues which he refuses to confront, so it is what wrong with HIM, not you!

As for your grandmother, I agree with PP. You can maybe send her a letter (it might make you feel better but don’t expect anything back – if you do get something back, it’s a bonus). It’s also a way to feel like they were a part of things, without actually being near you and doing any damage. 

Post # 9
4856 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

nurseinlove :  Very true. I guess the problem is who I wish they were vs who they are. In reality they have been vicious and mean to me. In my hopes they are family that function how family should. That disconnect is very very hard. 

Post # 11
11002 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

nurseinlove :  

Oh, darling Bee, my heart hurts for you.  I am so sorry.

HappySky7 is exactly right—abusers do run smear campaigns against their victims.  My own father did it to me, too.

Your wanting a connection with your family isn’t crazy at all.  Bonds formed out of trauma are harder to break than healthy bonds.  Think Stockholm Syndrome.  There is an excellent book on the subject by Dr Patrick Carnes, The Betrayal Bond.  It includes healing exercises.  Dr Carnes is recognized by trauma specialists as the expert on traumatic bonding, he’s also on FB.

Those people stole so much from you.  Be kind to yourself.  Much love and many gentle hugs.

Post # 12
1052 posts
Bumble bee

I’m sorry Bee. My father is a neglectful alcoholic who always chooses his women over his children. And it really sucks. 

I know logically he will never be the dad I deserved. He is who he is and he is never going to change. But I understand your hope. That he would be there for you and love you.

Your dad is never going to be who you want him to be and your grandmother is an enabler. 

Have you gone to see a therapist? They can help you deal with these feelings.

Post # 13
136 posts
Blushing bee

So why exactly “can’t” you invite them? You didnt say you went to granny’s hand-carrying invitations. You have the addresses, right? I think a letter AFTER the wedding would just cause more bad feelings on their side.

Post # 14
1787 posts
Buzzing bee

I am in a similar position, a lot of us are unfortunately; posts like these pop up on the Bee every month. Dysfunctional, abusive and deadbeat parents- just know that you are not alone!!

I stopped talking to my alcoholic mother a decade ago, the entire family took her side so I’ve been alone. Recently I bumped into my grandmother at the store- I looked at her waiting for something, she said “hey” and kept walking. What kind of grandparent does that?! You said your grandmother hides inside refusing to open the door, that’s just as disgusting!

These people do not deserve you!! They don’t deserve to know you anymore, leave them in your past. Do not invite them, do not send a card/letter/photo/anything after the fact either, just let them go. They don’t deserve to see you happy= because in their messed up little brains they will take credit. They don’t deserve to be proud, they have nothing to do with your happiness today. In their brains there’s nothing for them to apologize for because you turned out fine. Please cut them completely out of your life and never into your children’s lives. They made their choice, it wasn’t you. You owe them nothing!

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