Daddy issues – HELP!

posted 2 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
2857 posts
Sugar bee

Have your mom walk you down the aisle. You’re right – she has played both roles for you and raised you with very little help from him. Him thinking your father-daughter relationship is normal just speaks to his immaturity and self involvement. 

I would have the convo before your wedding, but be prepared for it not to go how you hope. Usually they’re not able to own up to their own mistakes, no matter how egregious.

Do you even want him at your wedding? It sounds like him coming in a small your life so arbitrarily is just causing you more harm and making you feel more resentful.

Post # 3
Member
6166 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2017

Send him a a letter! Explain that it’s hard for you to say these things in person but that you have to get some things off your chest. Then spill your heart out in a letter and send it. 

Post # 4
Member
3212 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

Sorry, this post is kind of long so i’m not sure I’m getting what you’re asking.

 

are you asking if you should have a conversation with your dad about how your mom will walk you down the aisle before or after the wedding?

 

how would it even be relevant to have that conversation after?

Post # 5
Member
5047 posts
Bee Keeper

My answer is neither.

Some conversations really don’t need to he had.  What is the action you are hoping will result from this?  Is this conversation to end your relationship once and for all?  Is it just to “unburden yourself”?  Is it to hope he’ll have an epiphany and change his shitty ways (because lots of people claim they don’t care, but are secretly hoping this will be the case)?

In my experience, shitty people either know they are shitty or don’t care if they are shitty.  Either way the end result is the same.  Telling them does nothing.  If shitty people cared they were shitty, they would stop being shitty.  So the conversation is pretty much “Hey, I finally know that you don’t care and I don’t care you don’t care.”  It’s like pissing into the wind. I also promise you that he does really know what normal is and even though he claims that your relationship is normal he just means his version of normal. Unless he’s lived under a rock with no access to television he’s seen a variety of Parental relationships. I’m sure he’s seen The Brady Bunch. I’m sure he’s had a plethora of examples of good parental relationships. He just doesn’t give a s*** and what you have is good enough to be his normal. You telling them otherwise isn’t going to change that.

Honestly it sounds like you’ve built this up like it’s going to be some big revelation when truth be told it’s probably going to be met with the same indifference he’s been meeting you with for however many years you’ve been alive and then that’s just going to piss you off more. Has he even told you he expects to walk you down the aisle? Or said anything to lead you to believe he assumes he will be? Or that he cares whether or not he walks you down the aisle?

There’s that saying that the opposite of Love isn’t hate, it’s indifference. The fact that you are all riled up ready to give this big revelation of a speech tells me you’re not as indifferent as you like to think you are. You aren’t as done as you want to be.

So I guess this is my way of saying if it doesn’t come up organically I would just meet his indifference with your own indifference. That’s the only language he speaks. So if and when he does finally asked whether he’s walking you down the aisle just simply say I feel much closer to Mom and she raised me so she’ll be walking me down the aisle. The next time he tries to connect after ghosting you for however many months simply say no. Tell him that you don’t wish to connect because you don’t accept having a father who half-assed his fatherly duties and comes and goes as he pleases. If you prefer to not be at the wedding then you simply don’t invite him.  And if he asks then you can tell him it’s because you’re not that close . But I almost guarantee this big revelation of a speech you have build up in your head is probably not going to have the satisfying impact you think it’s going to have.

Post # 9
Member
3212 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

View original reply
junohx :  what are you hoping to get out of that conversation?

Post # 10
Member
47449 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I think you need to tell him your Mom is going to walk you down the aisle. It’s really not fair to spring that on him publically at the wedding.

I also think a conversation about how you feel will naturaly follow after you tell him. I thnk you care a lot more than you want to admit and are very hurt by his absence in your life. Tell him.

 

Post # 11
Member
1711 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

Agree… write him a letter to express your feelings but try not to expect positive change or apology. 

Post # 13
Member
962 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

View original reply
junohx :  Im in my minimalist phase… so Im cutting out everything that I dont like, everything that makes me miserable, and things that dont serve me (as much as possible) it’s a work in progress. So my advice is if your relationship whith your father doesn’t make you havppy, if you dont see it or dont feel like putting in any effort or time to improve it is worth it then let go.

 

Post # 14
Member
594 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2018 - City, State

I have had many conversations with both sets of my parents. for years they were unproductive but this year finally jad a breakthrough because they finally acknowledged things that happened when i was a kid and apologised for them. 

Things arent perfect but it was a genuine leap forward for the first time in my life…

So if it was me I would not have this conversation before the wedding because it likely will not be resolved. I would let him know I want to honor mum for her part in my life amd jave the convo you want after the fact. Before the wedding will blow up and be stressful…. additionally he is likely to assume you are just acting out in wedding stress and not take you seriously. 

just my 2 cents

Post # 15
Member
9992 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

View original reply
junohx :  

Given your updates , I think you are probably going to forgo The Conversation anyway.   I think that’s a good thing , I would  wager anything  it will not go  as you want . He will NOT say , “omg, you are right, I never thought about it , but yes I have been  remiss and careless all your life and I deeply regret it it and will change  my ways immediately ”  

Chances are he will argue with you , tell you why you are wrong and how hard it has  been for him etc etc   . Or he be affronted as hell , even angry,  and make you feel flustered and intimidated . 

I’d just make  your arrangements  with  your mum, and if he asks about his part, tell him he’s a guest , and don’t  engage further .

All the above  is if you think he might   change  because of The Conversation, if you just want to vent ,    that’s different. Either way though, you’d  still have to deal with his responses  .I’d leave it as it is OP, flawed but not actively encroaching on your peace. 

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