- 4 years ago
My Fiancee and I in a nutshell:
We met on an RPG online when we were kids and were best friends over the net up until three years ago when we began dating. (We had crushes on each other since we met as kids and finally spoke up about it.) I lived with him in England for 6 months (that’s his home country) and now we’ve known each other for nearly 9 years. He’s coming to the States in 4 months to meet all of my close family and friends and marry me (we will later have a ceremony in the UK as well for his family, which is where we will be living ultimately.) Anyway here’s the issues:
I have not been on good terms with my father for the last 10 years or so of my life. He has been selfish, mean, and everything but physically abusive, unsupportive, and fueled by his alcohol addiction which he put before his own family. I could go into this in detail if anyone is curious but for now all I’ll say is, he has really messed me up psychologically, resulting in a lifetime of nightmares, trust issues, and fear of men.
My grandparents (on my dad’s side of the family) turn a blind eye to his behaviour and repeatedly tell me he is getting better. I have not spoken to my father for the last 2 1/2 nearly 3 years. I have broken down in tears explaining all the things he did in my childhood that upset me and made me so cold and uncaring towards him and they continue to try and convince me to forgive him and “remember the good things.”
I live with my grandparents while I’m saving for my final move to England, by the way.
My mother lives in Colorado (I’m writing from Oregon where most of my family and friends live and where the wedding will be held) and she is completely estranged from everyone in my family except my.
Uncle who lives in Maryland. (There’s two people I’ll have to convince to fly out, both of whom likely won’t get along with my family.)
My father also married a psychotic horror of a woman I’m forced to call my stepmother, of which I won’t go into detail. My grandparents are going to try and force me to have my father at the wedding claiming he has “the right as my father to be at such an important event in my life.” My Fiancee also said he thinks I should invite him but given his anger towards my father I’m not sure that would be a good idea and I’m not sure why he wants him there.
Overall what I’m asking it, how should I go about these various messes?
Do I have the right to deny my father being at my wedding? What can I say when my grandparents try to guilt me into letting him be there? Everyone else in my family will be invited except for my father and step mother. When I left for England my grandmother felt guilty not inviting my father to my going away party and it took a lot of convincing on my part so I know this is going to be a problem and the guilt will be laid on thick for me..
I really don’t want him there though, he’s just a negative person in my life who I’m much happier without and I’m sick of people bringing it up. I just know it’ll happen.
Has anyone else had a choice like this to make? I’d really appreciate any feedback and advice. Thanks in advance!
P.S. My dad hasn’t met my fiancee, last I spoke to him several years ago I tried to explain I was going to meet him in England and he treated me like an ignorant stupid child, belittling me and making my feelings seem insignificant. He has heard of my 6 month visit to England through family but I haven’t spoken to him at all. What can I do if he tries to initiate contact? (He hasn’t tried in years so I can’t imagine he will now, but just in case..)
Thanks in advance!
- This topic was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by DannybearsGirl.