Dad's wife not invited to my wedding..LONG

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
3583 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

GAWD, honestly, I have no idea.  This I will defer to the other bees.  You have stumped me which is a first!

(But if I may….just because she’s awful doesn’t mean that she holds the sole responsibility of ruining your family.  He is just as guilty if not more so.  Make sure you are fair and don’t like her because of ….well, her, not what she did in the past since you have clearly forgiven your father who actually had the responsiblity to you guys.)

Post # 4
Member
310 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Hmmm…very difficult situation.  I really think you need to have sit-down talk with dad.  Explain why you don’t want her there.  I’d let him know that you appreciate his helping with the wedding and that b/c you want to respect and honor him, you’ll invite his wife.  However, you have expectations for her behavior at the wedding.  1)She will not cause issues with you, your mom, your bro, or your dad.  2)She will not make snide comments and will be gracious.  Etc Etc.  Let her dad know that if these things aren’t possible, you’d really not have her present on your special day.

Post # 5
Member
1638 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@MissWyoming:  How do you think she will react to your mother on your wedding day? Will it hurt your mother’s feelings? To me, the MOB is the 2nd most important woman at the wedding.

Etiquette says you HAVE to invite her, but I’ve always been way to says screw it sometimes hehehehe.

 

Post # 6
Member
8438 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

The way I see it is that this is your fathers partner period. It doesn’t matter whether you like her or not, This is the person your father has chosen to spend his life with. their relationship problems are there problems no one elses.

I also think that since you feel it was her fault that your parents marriage broke up (which In My Humble Opinion there is only one person at fault for the cheating- the cheater- your father) you are never going to like her and that probably clouded the relationship from the begining.

The basis of it is that your parents relationship was broken (hence your dad straying) and they split up. Should the other woman have backed out- in a perfect world hell yes but love makes people act differently.

I think you need to get past this- it is something you can’t control (other peoples relatinships) and the only person you are making miserable is you.

 

Post # 7
Member
3770 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Brookfield Zoo

Mm so I know etiquette-wise you really should invite her.  She is your dad’s wife and he loves her in some strange inexplicable way and if you want your dad there, you should invite her.  BUT.  But.  The best REAL advice I have gotten from a friend who has been there done that is that your wedding should be about YOU, it’s not about appeasing other people or being polite, your guest list should be people you have a real relationship with, who will celebrate your new marriage being happy for you and loving you.  And it does not sound like this woman has been anything close to loving towards you.  So I say stick your ground.  However, if you dad does not go, you should be prepared to return the money he has invested into your wedding.  You also need to make it very clear that this woman has been horrible to you, you know she’s been horrible to him, and that you still love your dad, because going this route it will be extremely easy to burn bridges.

Post # 8
Member
269 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

MissWyoming… I could have written your post. My sperm donor also cheated on my mom and eventually left her for an arrogant, bitchy little trollop. Said trollop emotionally abused me from the time I was 4 until I escaped at the age of 16. (Telling me I was ugly, convincing me I had no friends, making me feel guilty if my father bought me things, the whole nine yards.) So please, please accept very sincere virtual hugs from an Internet stranger. 

That said… FUCK etiquette. Seriously, fuck it.

My father’s trollop is not invited to my wedding. She makes everyone around her uncomfortable and she is a crazy person, and thanks to her my dad has alienated his whole family. Among other entertaining events, my father’s only sibling remarried a few years ago in a lovely evening adults-only event, and the trollop became insane and developed a conviction that the adults-only wedding was a specific and personal slight against her and her young daughter. She refused to attend and my father (a horsewhipped, testicle-free coward)  also did not attend. 

I am not giving them the chance. I only welcome people on our day who love and support us. They are not on that list, and thus not invited.  

But if you want your dad there, you need to sit down with him and calmly explain how uncomfortable his wife makes you, and why you don’t want her to share your day. Trust me, I know how you feel. I am sure there will be people who haven’t gone through this and who will say “just invite her and suck it up.” But you are NOT obligated to invite someone who emotionally abused you to your wedding. You just aren’t. As long as you are prepared that your dad may not come either, and you are ready to deal with that, I think you should talk to him about not wanting her there. And if he takes umbridge, or does not want to attend without her, be prepared to offer to repay the money he has given you.  

Post # 9
Member
545 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

Agreed with everyone above, screw etiquette. It’s your day. You do know if you invite her she’ll be pissed off at everyone there, make snarky comments, critiize everything there from your dress, your hair, your make-up, your centre pieces, you’re venue. Do you really want that much negative energy on YOUR special day? No offence but unlike her, it’s you’re ONE DAY to shine, a once in a lifetime thing. Do you really want to look back and remember all the negative things rather than the day filled with love, joy and happiness? 

Post # 10
Member
592 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Out of respect for my mother I would not invite her to my wedding. Ask your mom how she feels about her being there and go with that.

Post # 11
Member
384 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2004

Just because etiquette says one thing does NOT mean that you can’t do another. YOUR wedding is for the people YOU (and Fi) love and that love YOU (and Fi)

Doesnt sound like you love this woman nor does she give two hoots about you. So to me – simple no invite.

Now for the dad, i think it boild down to if he loves you the way a father should he will be there through rain hail or shine to see his little girl walk down that aisle. He may be saying that now (about not coming if she does not) but that would only be because he is hoping you will make it easy for him. Which is not your job.

Now to put in perspective, if you invited the evil step mother and she on her own accord decided not to attend (because maybe she has to wash her hair that day) do you think your dad would miss it? No. because he doesnt want to miss it, he just doesnt want the earfull from his wife about not being invited.

Just saying it how it is.

Best of luck

Post # 13
Member
1855 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

I’m a bit of a bridezilla, so I’ll give my honest $.02.

NOBODY IS COMING TO MY WEDDING IF I DO NOT WANT THEM THERE. Just because we share genes, or just because you’re mashing genitals with someone in my gene pool, does NOT mean you are invited. 

Why on Earth would anyone want someone that they dislike to be present on one of the most anticipated days of their entire life? I don’t get it.

I’d give back the 3k and refuse to let her come. I think it’s shady to take the money and not invite her. Your dad is an adult, it’s his decision whether or not he comes. If he’s pety enough to skip on his daughter’s wedding because of his wife, then it’s his loss. You’re his kid, he should love you enough to want to see you wed with or without his wife.

 

Post # 14
Member
1573 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I say invite your dad not his wife; explain how hurt it would make your mom feel for her to see the other woman tehre, you are not ready to forgive the lady so he can’t force you maybe later but right now you are not ready; why invite trouble and unhappiness to your wedding day. If your dad says no at least you tried to invite him, his loss, he brought it upon himself in the first place

Post # 15
Member
200 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I wouldn’t invite her. My mom’s husband is not invited to my wedding….he has been a douche to her and there is no way he’s invited. My dad past away and my mom married this rooster

Post # 16
Member
1077 posts
Bumble bee

A blogger called The Coquette once said something fantastic about stepmothers like this:

“You will always be the strong-willed stepdaughter that she can’t control, and therefore, you will always be an enemy, just as she considered your mother to be an enemy 10 years ago when she was pulling her textbook homewrecking maneuver on your family. It’s an ugly way to go through life, one that I doubt she would even admit to herself, but one that nonetheless is affecting your family dynamic to this very day. (…) You will always be your father’s daughter. Nothing will ever change that. On the other hand, your stepmother might lose her edge one day or your dad might grow some balls, and suddenly she could be out of the picture for good. That is the source of your power. Never forget it.”

I think if you don’t want her there don’t invite her. Toxic people don’t deserve your time normally, let alone on the day of your wedding. As dissapointing as it is that your Dad isn’t doing the right thing he’s going to end up seriously regretting it. 

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