(Closed) Damaged Relations with FI's Fam Because of Wedding Decisions (LONG)

posted 4 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
1193 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

Yep, draw some boundary lines.  She’s obviously not a reasonable person, so don’t treat her like one.  

You:  “We’re eloping to Jamaica, we’re very excited.”

Her:  “It’s gross and smells.”

You:  “Here, did you try the fruit salad?”

Her:  “Jamaica is nasty.  I’m just going to show up on a cruise ship and watch the wedding even though I wasn’t invited.”

You:  “No, really, this fruit salad is great.”

 

I wouldn’t engage in her nonsense and I wouldn’t tell her when I was going.  She just wants to cause drama, so don’t engage at all.  Don’t talk to their family about her.  Don’t rehash things.  Don’t set up meetings.  You’re just feeding the attention wh***.  Let it go.  Your fiance is obviously on your side, and eventually, she’ll either grow up and be quasi-normal, or you just won’t see her very often.

Post # 5
Member
2273 posts
Buzzing bee

@Coral99:  In response to your second post,

He can tell her if he wants to do so. You don’t have to. Not your responsibility, not your problem. If you are in the same room you can be cordial and polite. But other than that, I wouldn’t bother with any other kind of communication. 

Post # 7
Member
1125 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Oh boy oh boy I’m sorry!

My advice would be to hash it all out. They already dislike you, now give them reason to. Don’t be a jerk about it but stop holding your tongue. Tell them how they are acting and tell them it’s not appreciated. Your FI also needs to stand up for you and tell them “This IS going to be my wife, if you can’t accept that and treat her with respect you wont be gaining a daughter but you will lose a son!”. This family needs to be put in line. 

His mom probably has issues with controlling behavior, she seems like it and often times men will end up with women like their mother, I’m guessing his first wife was a lot like his mother. His mother now has issues with him marrying you because she doesn’t want to lose control over her son, does this sound right?

His mom needs to grow the eff up, let her son make his decisions and she needs to stop playing games. It’s annoying just reading about her.

I’d go have the talk and I’d start the talk with “OK I know that you don’t like me, and with your behavior I can’t say I’m too fond of you right now, but we both love your son and want what is best for him, I’m not the enemy here but you are driving me away and when we get married and this continues you will drive your son away as well. You don’t have to like me but you need to respect me and you need to treat me fairly, I wont tolerate your attitude or games and I simply wont be around you if it continues. If I’m not around FI wont be around as much either so you can either continue to disrepect our relationship and put a hardship on your relationship with your son, or you can show us some respect and we can build on that and have a relationship, the choice is up to you” going by her response I’d either continue talking or just walk away and leave it at that.

Post # 8
Member
1880 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

YOU should not draw boundary lines… YOUR FIANCE should. He needs to discuss setting appropriate boundaries and learning to put his mother in her place in therapy.

And if your fiance wants nothing to do with them? Let him keep his distance. Don’t try to push for a relationship they’re destroying.

Post # 11
Member
269 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

It sounds like FMIL has way too much time on her hands to gossip and think about her issues with your wedding. But like stuckinwonderland said, FI is on your side and also annoyed by her behavior so that’s a big plus!

 

I can understand a little why she’d be upset not to be included, because maybe she genuinly wants to be a part of her son’s big day and she’s just a bit useless in communicating this properly, but of course this behavior is completely and utterly out of line! And I don’t think it’s you so much she doesn’t like, but I think it’s not having the full attention and agreeance of her son. She also sounds a little like a control freak.

 

Go ahead and have your DW! If you want to offer an olive branch, tell FMIL “this is where the wedding is, at this time, in Jamaica, and if you want to participate meet us there.” No choices, no discussions: this is what you’ve chosen, and since she’s an important part of your lives, she’s welcome to join in, but this is the way it is. But if you are sick of her and the whole negativity is too upsetting (which I can totally understand) then have the DW just the 2 of you as you’ve planned and let her think about her behavior. I would think she’ll come crawling back at some point.

 

Post # 12
Member
1880 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@Coral99:  I know it’s hard especially if you have a normal family to understand totally whack family dynamics… I have been through somewhat similar (though not as bad, thankfully!) with my husband and his family. His family is okay with strict boundaries in place, and since he set them up and stuck to them, relations with his family have gotten so much better. But otoh my bff (and moh!) had to cut out her mother for being totally cray-cray, and she is so much happier now that she doesn’t have a crazy woman calling her up to call her a worthless bitch. There are some people who don’t see their children’s worth as individual people, just their worth in terms of how the children can satisfy the parent.

As for why he needs to set boundaries rather than you setting them – he’s her son. She will always love him. If you try to talk to her, you will do nothing but make her dislike you even more. If you want to have any hope of maintaining cordial relations with her or your relationship improving in the future, you need to not make yourself into the bad guy. All in-law relations involve their child being bad cop and the partner being good cop. I first learned this from other relationship boards but my therapist and our premarital therapy said the same thing.

I agree that your fiance learned the unhealthy behavior patterns that happened in his first marriage from his mother… thank goodness he’s unlearning them now!

(And Jamaica is beautiful. Especially the parts away from the cruise ports.)

Post # 15
Member
1193 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

@Coral99:  I think it’s fine to tell her once.  If it’s been discussed previously, then don’t.  I think he should tell her, if this is the first time, that he won’t tolerate her blatant disrespect of you and your upcoming nuptials and that you and he will leave together every.single.time she starts up.  Then do it.  If you don’t do what you say you’ll do, it means nothing.

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