- 4 years ago
- Wedding: October 2013
Background: FI was married before. His ex was/still is really controlling (they have a son so that’s why they are still in touch). Since their divorce a number of years ago he said he has since learned he allowed her controlling behavior. He has been in therapy for about a year to learn better boundaries and communication on his own behalf. I fully support him. But I am told by Fi that his family never liked her.
Story: About a month before I actually met FI’s mom we got into a huge argument. We both acted really immature. We both admit it. Since then we have workled extensively on our communication when upset and we both see a huge difference and are happy with how we disagree now. But at that time he told her about the argument. I told him I wished he hadn’t done that because his mom didn’t really need to know our biz and I felt that would forever tarnish how she saw me. He said his mom had her fair share of relationship stuff and understood. I doubted it, but I just let it be. I met her shortly after that and I told him I didn’t feel she liked me. It was just a feeling I had. I have spent time with her since and it’s never changed. But I just swallowed that and was always friendly to her. I also wanted to support the relationship FI and his son had with her. Things weren’t fantastic but there was no drama. I was happy.
We got engaged in Dec and right after she asked him if he was sure. FI was very confused and bothered by it. He told her yes…I wouldn’t have asked if I wasn’t sure and I love her and I’m really happy. She said well then congratulations if you are happy.
We were orginally trying to have a wedding in our hometown and it didn’t work out….way out of budget. Then we tried to have a teeny destination wedding more in our budget that would be just us 2. When his mom heard this she invited herself and her family. I took that as she wanted to be a part of it so I was touched. I told FI let’s try to include immediate family. So we did and that was the plan for a few months. Well that didn’t work out either. There ended up being a huge event in the small town we were to marry in and no hotel blocks were offered. FI and I were both upset and called our respective parents. When FI called his mom and told her she said, “It sounds like the Universe is telling you to do something different and you should listen”. FI said, “Well after all this, we just want to go away, just us 2, like we wanted in the beginning to Jamaica” and she said ok. In other words, there was no strong reaction and she seemed to support it. About 2 weeks later we went to her house for dinner and FI brought it up again and his mom went on for about about 30 min telling us how dirty and gross Jamaica is and she would never marry there and how a cruise is the only way to go. When I asked where she went in Jamaica she said she basically stayed in the cruise port except one tour she went on. I mean, she just kept going on how awful a choice it is. When FI said we were happy with our choice, she said, “Well my husband spent extensive time there so you should go ask him. He liked it”. I got a funny feeling about all of it but I just let it go. And a few weeks before this, she told him, “Coral 99 is controlling”. Fi told her she had it all wrong and that I couldn’t be more different than his ex wife. He told her that I encourage him to be independent and for him to think and do for himself…so much so that he gets annoyed with me at times. She just said, “Oh ok”.
Over this past weekend, we went out of town to FI’s mother’s family home in another state. There were multiple graduation parties held and we were hosted, nicely given our own hotel and our flights paid for by the host. I was so grateful! I was even more excited to travel with his family and perhaps spend time with his mom and get to know each other a little more. All in all, I was excited. FI was not. I asked him why and he said he just didn’t think it was gonna be fun and wanted to stay home. Turns out he was right. 🙁
On our flight I got pretty airsick. I couldn’t walk fast and my stomach was flip flopping after we got off. Even though his mom knew, she never once asked if I was ok. She was more concerned about smoking a cig. Once in the car, FI asked if I was feeling better and I said, “Not really, but when we get settled I will be”. His mom says really loudly, “I sure am glad I have an iron stomach”. I just ignored it b/c she makes everything about herself anyway, so I just thought it was one of ways of doing that. We got to hotel and were told (not asked) we were going to someone’s house for dinner. FI expressed he didn’t like that idea and his mom rudely told him, “I don’t care”. Shortly after, once in our room, FI got a headache (great timing!) and it never went away. He told her we were gonna stay at the hotel and they go on without us. We went right to bed at like 8pm…we were exhausted.
The next morning, we all went to his aunt’s house to swim before that night’s party at the hotel. Other than his mom, I had never met anyone in her family. We arrive at the house and not even 15 min after we arrive, the shit hit the fan. One of his aunts asked, “So what’s up with the wedding?”. FI tells her, “Well, such and such didn’t work out, so we are going to Jamaica, just us 2.” Another aunt pipes in with, “Well, we will be your witnesses”. Fi and I looked at each other and didn’t say anything…we thought she was joking. Then his mom says, “I plan on taking a cruise down there and I will just come see you get married for the day and then head out”. Here I am confused b/c of all the negative things she said about Jamaica but I thought she was joking too. One of his aunts said to me, “I’d kill you if you were my daughter for doing what you are doing”. I asked her what I was doing and she said, “Running off and getting married”. I said, “I’m not running off and my parents are ok with it. They are happy for us”. She says, “Well you just told me your mom was adding to your last guest list, so obviously they want to be there. You need to listen to them, since they are paying”. I said, “No. They are paying for part and they really are happy for us”. Another said to FI, “Well this is your 2nd wedding, so you doing it this way is ok”. Fi said, “It’s my 2nd wedding but it’s her first”. She looks at me and said, “Well then you have to have a huge wedding”. I told her it’s not really “me”….I’ve never wanted a huge wedding. It’s not my style. I only care about my dress and who I marry. Then his mom sad AGAIN, “Well, we are just gonna take a cruise down there so we can see” and was looking right at me. FI and I said nothing and his mom and 1 of the aunts, just go out the door. There was just 1 left. She comes up to me and says, “I think you just need to be really open with your communication that way there is nothing for anyone to rehash in the future”. I had had enough. I stopped her and said, “Excuse me…I’m sorry. Maybe I’m confused but what exactly is there to rehash? We made a choice we love and that’s our plan”. She then looks at us both and says, “Your mom is just really upset you are getting married in Jamaica, I think and I just don’t think she likes it”. Fi says, “it’s not up to her to decide”. I looked at him and said, “She is your mom. I can see how she might have a hard time with this” and his aunt said, “Well I think that’s it”. We tell her this is the first we heard about it and that his mom was even still wanting to host the after party. The aunt seemed surprised and said, “Oh she’s throwing a party?”. And we said, “Last we asked…yes.”.
It became really clear to me at that point that apparently his mom felt this way the whole time and just waited and waited until she had the support of her sisters to really voice how she felt. And did it the rudest way possible. I told that aunt I had enough and was really bothered talking about it and it was too much for me. She said “Oh you are? Well, ok then”. And that was it.
Fi and I were mortified. Pissed. We didn’t understand any of this. We spent the rest of the day there, totally ignored. His mom and her two sisters didn’t say a word to us. We went back to the hotel (lol that was a song!) and FI said he didn’t want to go to the party. I told him I felt that would be really rude and we needed to at least show up and we could leave early. We went and again…treated like outcasts. His family barely said 2 words to us. It was really weird. His mom was already drunk and was weirdly hanging on him. We sat at a table and his mom and step dad came and sat with us. 3 times I tried to chat with his step dad about a hobby we both have and his mom interrupted us all 3 times. She began grinding on his shoulder and dancing provacatively. We all were stunned. He told her, “You interupted me. I was talking to Coral99”. And she said, “But I got your attention didn’t I?”. After that, FI and I decided to go outside and have a glass of champagne to celebrate our dating anniversary that just happened to be that day. We were outside all of 5 min, in a private area and his mom comes stumbling out. Fi tried not making eye contact with her and I told him we needed to be polite and say hi. So she comes to us and asks why we are out there. He tells her today is our dating anniversary and we were having a private drink. She says, “Oh, sorry. I didn’t know.” I tell her, “No problem. We didn’t tell you.” And then she proceeds to continue to walk closer and starts talking to FI about another member of his family and then decides to call this person right in front of us. I mean, she just acted like we didn’t tell her anything. After that, FI was ready to leave and so was I, so we went back to our room. Fi and I had enough. He was really upset and just wanted to go home. I suggested we get a rental car that we aren’t at the mercy of anyone else. He said ok but then I considered how we were ignored at the last 2 events and I didn’t think it was a good idea to keep exposing ourselves to it. He agreed and we both just admitted we wanted to go home early. We changed our flights and went to bed. The next morning, he texted his mom we chose to leave early and were on our way to the airport. We didn’t want to run the risk of telling her and having her freak out and come to our room. She didn’t respond to his text for 3 hours. Her response was why? He told her we could all talk when we all got back home. She said ok but that “her heart hurt and she missed him soooooooooooo much he wasn’t there”. Fi was annoyed. He figured she was drunk again b/c she never talks like that to him. We didn’t hear anything until the next night around 6. We both started getting all these texts that his mom was worried about him and needed Fi to call her back immediately. We didn’t get it….she had just called about 2 hours before but we both had been doing yard work so we didn’t have our phones. He responded to her and said we were fine. And then she calls, wanting to have “the talk”. He doesn’t answer and texts her saying it was 9 at night and too late…he didn’t want to talk. This wasn’t good enough for her. She calls again and leaves a threatening, immature message. Fi ignores it and says we love her but we are going to bed. Meanwhile, I text future sis in law (his bothter’s wife) and tell her we are fine but that FI had spoken to his mom and dad (they are divorced) both the day before and I spoke with her through text that day so we were confused why anyone would think we were in trouble? She said, “His mom is just worried”. I said well why didn’t she call me? We live together and live less than 5 min from her. Why didn’t she just come over? SIL just says, “I was just trying to help”. We were both annoyed.
(Yes there is more!) The next day Fi says he will set up a time for us all to talk, even though his mom just kept saying she would talk to him…never included me. At lunchtime, his dad texts him “wanting to chat”. Fi asks him why and he says, “Can’t I just talk to my son?” Fi said, “Well sure, but you don’t normally try to set an appt…you just call. But if it’s about this weekend, I’m not ready to talk about it. Just know you and your wife didn’t do anything”. His dad said, “I just thought you could talk to your dad but ok let me know”. (Even though his parents are divorced and remarried his dad is still best friends with Fi’s mom’s sister’s husband and came to the weekend with his wife, who is a drunk and was super mean to FI and I in Jan, but that’s another post!). In the rude message his mom left she stated she had a “conversation with his dad and his wife” about all this and got the scoop about what “really” happened in Jan (when just days before she claimed they were in the wrong”, so clealy she recruited him to call FI. Fi was beyond annoyed and upset.
Well last night, we see his SIL posts all these pics to Facebook with the line “Great family weekend”….with no pics of me. Even though she took 7-8 of them, there were none of me. She had tagged all his family. (I should add I added his mom as a friend over a month ago and she never responded to it. It became obvious it wasn’t gonna happen when she loudly told us she saw all these pics on FB the week before but we knew she never confirmed me. I have since withdrawn the request.) Then Fi gets texts with all the pics of me. He texts her back and says, “Nice pics but how come you didn’t add them to FB like everyone else in the family?” She says, “Oh I wanted to make sure y’all liked them (but she didn’t ask me?) before I posted them (but she didn’t ask about any she posted of FI?)” Fi told her “forget it. It’s obvious to me no one in my family likes Coral99, so there’s no point”. She sends him this long message saying he must not know how much his family cares and that they know what he’s been through (his ex cheated on him) and they don’t want him to get hurt again and she was just trying to help. And she never said he was wrong that no one in his family likes me and didn’t say she did either.
Ok…Sooooo…..yea….his family doesn’t like me. And clearly his mom has badmouthed me her family about lord knows what. I know I’m not the only bride out there with this issue. I guess I’m just surprised people go this far to be mean to family members.
We plan on talking to his mom about what happened over the weekend, very soon. I’m not looking for an apology or even a mended relationship, I just want to answer all her questions. But at this point, FI wants nothing to do with them. I told him I didn’t think that was the best way but it was up to him. He said his family are assholes and have treated us horribly and he’s sick of it and doesn’t want it to happen again. I just want things calm.
ANY FREAKIN’ ADVICE?!!!!!!!!!!