(Closed) Date set, but still waiting? Huh?

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
5655 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2011

Hmmm… to me it sounds like you are engaged. “Officially” but not “formally” if that makes any sense.

Darling Husband and I got engaged without a ring in November 09 & started planning in Jan 10 (announced only to family) & then got my “formal” proposal & ring in February 10 and announced it to our friends at church (we’re really involved so that’s pretty much where we see most of our friends)

It was really nice once I had the ring, but I didn’t think/feel any less engaged.

I know for us, after Darling Husband officially proposed he did ask that I hold off on planning till the new year b/c he felt a tad bombarded, but otherwise we were just as much engaged & getting married to him as we were when we got my ring.

I would probably just talk with him and see if he is still comfortable with going along with the planning (since things do book out early) and just wait for the surprise of the down on 1 knee w/ ring proposal. =)

 

Post # 4
Member
3969 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I haven’t been in this situation exactly, but I have been worried about “pressuring” for an engagement myself, but I think what I would do in your shoes is… instead of talking to him saying the engagement needs to be ASAP if he wants to keep the date. I would pretend like the date didn’t matter, the $350 didn’t matter, and just say that you’d really love to get married on September 29, but there isn’t enough time to plan a wedding post-engagement. That you are completely willing to postpone a wedding so he can get his engagement ducks in order. It’s the opposite of pressure, and I think, if anything, he’ll be like, oh no, you think this isn’t important to me! And he’ll start taking it more seriously. This is completely my thoughts, and you don’t have to take it, because I don’t know your SO. But please keep us updated!

Post # 5
Member
6893 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

I wasn’t in this situation, but we did discuss what time of year we wanted to marry before he proposed. I said I like March/April, because I don’t like the heat or the fall. We didn’t book a venue (though I did look at a bunch online). I don’t know.

My only concern is that, well, your “date” is 8 months away. And while 8 months is plenty of time to plan, he can’t propose to you in June or something and expect a September wedding without your head possibly exploding (or at least some arguments.) There are some pretty big things out there that DO take several months of planning besides the venue…like your dress, which will have to be ordered, a photographer, which also books early. Things like that. Even Bridesmaid or Best Man dresses can take a few months to get in.

I feel like he may have a date set to propose in his mind and he doesn’t want you to figure it out. But also, I feel like he doesn’t really “get” how much planning goes into a wedding, regardless of size or formality. For this reason, I would give him until February (pick a day, maybe a day after Valentine’s Day) and don’t SAY anything…just have that be the arbitrary date in your head to wait until. If nothing happens by then, then you need to revisit the conversations, “pressuring” or not.

I would be very level-headed about it. “Do you want to get married on September 29?” Yes or No. “Do you want to move our date so you can propose at your leisure?” Yes or No. “Do you want to lose our deposit or see if the venue is willing to honor our deposit on a different date?” Yes or No.

Post # 7
Member
2893 posts
Sugar bee

I’m in your situation. And I love it.

You guys are approaching this from a not very traditional direction. But here’s the thing about not going the traditional route – you either embrace it or abandon it. We were going to be officially engaged last fall. But ring troubles and planning post-poned things till this year. But we had a conversation, decided that while we weren’t officially engaged (with a formal proposal) we still felt like we were engaged. We’ve since picked a date. We’re looking at places to get married. Our jeweler just got done making my ring this month and no, it’s not on my finger yet. πŸ™‚

But I love it. Because I feel we’re on the same page 100%, we can plan at our leisure. There is ZERO stress for him to propose tomorrow so we can get things planned in time (September wedding). So long as he proposes before we get married, we’re good to go. We’ve told family. They know the date. They know our plans. There is NO point in hiding it. They’re waiting to see the ring and are just as excited as I am. πŸ™‚ There’s no shame in telling family unless you have something to be ashamed about. Embrace it. πŸ™‚

But. If you feel it needs to be official official for you to be comfortable and excited about moving forward with planning, then you need to talk. You need to find out if it’s coming soon so you have time to plan or you’ll need to consider moving your date back if you don’t want to be crazy stressed out later this year. Or, if you’re fine with continuing planning without a ring you’ll need to make sure you’re 100% fine with it. You don’t want to stress yourself out worrying that a proposal will come on time or question whether or not he wants to get married cause he’s taking his time popping the question. 

Hope you figure it out! πŸ™‚ I’m sure a great heart to heart will clear up a lot of your worries.

Post # 8
Member
2442 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I just don’t understand this.  Why don’t you say to him “I’m not comfortable planning a wedding without an engagement ring and I don’t want to do things that way”.  It seems he still doesn’t understand that venues book quickly.  You can try to explain that to him but like ameliabedilia suggested, tell him you are not rushing him but a wedding takes time to plan and just as he doesn’t want to be rushed or pressured to propose, you don’t want to be rushed and pressured to plan a wedding for 9/29 without having a reasonable amount of time to do so. You both should be able to get what you want.  Not just him.  

Post # 10
Member
2893 posts
Sugar bee

@oneheartoneway: That sounds like a good plan. Here’s to hoping he gets the ball rolling before then. πŸ™‚

Post # 11
Member
2161 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

It sounds like you need to sit down and have a heart to heart.  He sounds like he really does want to get married, so maybe sit him down with one of those checklists, like from theknot.com and show him the usual timelines and how you need to know it’s going to happen so you can get moving.

I can understand him feeling engaged without the ring yet, but I would be really hesitant too to really get into the planning.  My dress took 7 months to arrive, and we were really close to not having the bridesmaid dresses on time because we ordered them 5 months out.

You definitely need to be on the same page.  If he needs more time before marriage, he needs to let you know that too.   You can talk to him and get reassurance without him telling you exactly when you will have your ring.

Post # 12
Member
1326 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I’m not in an identical situation, but very similar. My SO and I will have been together 4 years in February. In August we went ring shopping, I picked my beauty and then he said when and how I get the ring was up to him. I’m still waiting. Over the holidays he confessed he has the ring but was waiting for a special date, so I’ve tried to be as patient as possible and hopefully I’m not too far off.

We’ve picked a date, Feb. 1 2013, but that’s as far as we’ve gone. I wont book any appointments with vendors etc, until I have the ring on my finger, and he knows this. He suggested I do some research, but to me planning or researching for a wedding is pure torture when the ring isn’t  on my finger. It doesn’t feel tangiable to me without the ring.

I think another heart-to-heart is needed, just like other posters have said. I think a proposal should be very soon though. In agreeing to a wedding venue and wedding date he seems pretty ready. He could have a special date in mind for the proposal, asking the question is a big deal to most men. Have the talk, see where the timeline is and go from there.

Post # 13
Member
1278 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I had a friend who did what you are doing – her boyfriend even let her wear her future engagement ring to appointments! He proposed a few months before the wedding. I thought it was a little crazy at the time, but she wanted the full on proposal, so he wanted time to sort out something special.

If the waiting is bothering you, I would have a heart to heart with him. He obviously intends to propose, but he may not know how much it is bothering you to wait. Good luck

Post # 15
Member
229 posts
Helper bee

@oneheartoneway: We are in similar situations πŸ™‚ Though after our recent heart-to-heart, SO and I moved the date from June to September/October (we hadn’t booked anything yet). I think it’s great that you talked with him– he should feel comfortable and YOU should feel comfortable, too. Now you can just be excited! Here’s to proposals soon to come!!

Post # 16
Member
5 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: December 2011

How old is this guy?? I mean you want him to be a man about the situation and if he is not willing to step up and commit then I wouldn’t even think about a marriage yet. You are going to be husband and wife and sometimes that means putting him in situations that make him mad and uncomfortable but you have to be upfront and honest. Have you ever thought that he may not have an extra $2000 just lying around to buy a ring with??? That may be a problem…Ya never know.

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