Post # 1
I dated my high school sweetheart for eight years before I called it quits when I was 25 years old. I broke up because he was underemployed and not motivated and I thought he did not want to get married. We had no contact for 3 years and I was miserable. I got back together when I was 28 and I even moved to be closer to him. We have been together for 6 years for a total of 14 years! There is NO talk of marriage unless when I mention it and I am overly emotional about it. I want to marry him, I want to start a family with him but he’s still underemployed and has zero motivation. I can’t manage to tell him why I want to get married without being emotional because I’m so frustrated. I’ve been contemplating moving on but I really want him for the longrun! He has such great attributes but I fear that emotionally he’s in a bad place. He might be depressed but even bringing that up is an argument. Please give me some advice. I’ve done the ultimatum – no results! I feel like I’m settling because I’m letting him determine our future. But at the same time I love being with him…so confused!
Post # 3
@morena5277: My ex fiance was underemployed with zero motivation. Notice I said “ex”.
I’m so sorry. It’s been so long for you, I feel like you’re holding on to a dream or that you think he will change. If he hasn’t yet, he won’t.
Post # 4
@morena5277: You need to have a calm discussion about marriage. Ask him what he wants, does he want to get married? When does he think he wants to get married? Does he want kids? Do YOU want kids?
After this much time you NEED to be able to talk about these things if your relationship is going to work.
If you can’t talk about it, write it all down in a letter. Get all your thoughts out. Just lay out what you want with your life and your ideal time frame for it all.
In my experience ultimatums don’t really work because they are usually empty threats.
Post # 5
@KatNYC2011: I agree with all of that!
@morena5277: Best of luck to you. I’m sure this isn’t an easy thing for you! Hopefully you guys will be able to have an adult discussion about this and things will move forward!
Post # 5
I want to marry him, I want to start a family with him but he’s still underemployed and has zero motivation.
Really? If after 14 years he still has no motivation, that is not going to change. If you are OK with him always being under employed and having no motivation (which means you will be responsible for the $ as well as getting things done around he house) then marry him. I wouldnt suggest it.
Post # 6
THANKS for all the advice. Sometimes you need complete strangers to shed some light on your situation. Thank you so much!
Post # 7
We got engaged a few months ago, and a wedding booked for next August. by next year it will be 16 years! its not so unusual
Post # 8
@Just_Squeeze:you are totally correct, I think that I thought at some point he’d ‘change’ or ‘grow up’ and I was holding on to a dream. Thanks!
Post # 9
@morena5277: I know it’s difficult to hear. You’ve been with him FOREVER.
However, your ultimatum didn’t work because he’s not in a place to think about rings, weddings, marriage if he can’t even find a proper job and motivate himself to improve himself. He’s probably depressed because he knows he’s not ever going to give you the answer you want to hear.
If you break it off and he dosen’t fight you on it, there’s nothing…absolutely nothing you can do except move on and find happiness with someone who is ready in all aspects. Best wishes to you.
Post # 10
@morena5277: I’m so sorry you are frustrated. This may be difficult to face, but it sounds like he has grown accustomed to knowing that he can have you in his life on his terms because ultimately that is what you’ve proven to him by your actions. I’m not saying he is manipulative or cruel in any way, but simply that he knows that, after all this time, you will still be with him and he doesn’t need to marry you in order to be with you. This is the situation he knows.
I stayed with a man for 5 years who dealt with depression and other unresolved issues in his life. He, too, wasn’t motivated for much. I remember feeling responsible, like it would be my fault for breaking his heart and leaving him, as though I was his only hope of even going outside the house. Yay codependency! Well, I broke up with him and within 2 years he married someone else much like him. 😉
The only way ultimatums work is if you stick to the result, even if it is upsetting in the moment (i.e., if you say you want a proposal within 6 mos. or else you’re leaving, you need to be willing to leave and actually leave if it comes to it. Not give it another day, week or month.) Then again, do you really want to marry someone because they were pressured into asking you, or would you rather marry someone because the idea sincerely originated from within them?
Post # 11
It looks like the only thing that’s changed is you are no longer under the impression that he doesn’t ever want to marry you. You yourself say he is still “underemployed and has zero motivation.”
I was with a guy like this for 7 years. You can’t love someone into changing. No amount of showing him how good you can be as a wife will make him magically get himself together. I hope I don’t sound harsh, your situation just sounds so familiar to me.
Post # 12
@morena5277: I think that I thought at some point he’d ‘change’ or ‘grow up’ and I was holding on to a dream.
you can’t force people to change. or if they do, it is usually temporary and then they go back to their old ways.
@lefeymw: If after 14 years he still has no motivation, that is not going to change.
Agreed! I’m sorry but he sounds like kind of a deadbeat. honestly, you should not marry a guy unless you are sure he is the one for you. he is 28 and still does not have his act together. that’s not a good sign at all.
Post # 13
As a person who has been in a marriage with an “under-employed” man, I can tell you for sure that IF you did marry him, you’d end up resenting him. Then, the marriage is doomed anyway. I think you deserve someone who has his act together, who knows he wants to marry you and I think you’re young enough and have plenty of time to find said man!
Post # 14
@morena5277:Sounds like you are the queen of waiting!! With that said, I would not waste anymore of your time with this man. You mentioned multiple times that he is underemployed (the same as unemployed I am assuming?) and unmotivated…. yet you still want to be with him for the ‘longrun’? There is a better man out there for you…one who cannot wait to marry you. 14 years is such a long time…but it’s time to go. I married a man just like this…2 years was all I could take before asking for a divorce…save yourself the trouble. Good luck…I am sure it’s a tough decision for you. ((hugs))