- 2 years ago
my boyfriend and I have been dating for about 5 1/2 years. We’re both 23. One of the biggest issues in our relationship has always been related to sex. For the first couple of years in our relationship, we had sex pretty often but it was mostly about him- we’d have sex, he’d orgasm and that was that. He never paid much attention to stimulating me or making sure I was satisfied. I’m a very giving person so I thought as long as he was satisfied, I was okay with him just rolling over and going to bed after sex. I never spoke up about my needs. I was young, dumb, and to be honest I placed my needs below everyone else’s way too much. But to be fair, both of us were virgins before we met. I’m the only sexual experience he’s had, so (as he claims) he was pretty inexperienced about it. Plus, it has always been difficult for me to orgasm during sex (I can orgasm fine on my own) so that complicated things, but he’s not very attentive with foreplay despite me trying to guide him and remind him of what works for me, so that doesn’t help. Combine that with the fact that he doesn’t last long and you find a pretty tricky situation. Anyways, after about 2-3 years of dating and learning how to speak up more for my own needs, I reached a point where I couldn’t continue to hold him to such low standards (where I wasn’t voicing my own needs to him and holding him accountable for my sexual satisfaction). We had a lot of long talks about things, and decided that we were both going to work harder to better our sex life- I was going to work on speaking up more to let him know what I needed (because he can’t read my mind), and he was going to work on being more attentive and selfless in the bedroom. We (I) even found a hands-free sex toy that we can use during sex that gets me to orgasm more often. Fair enough right?
Fast forward to today. I’m feeling more miserable about my sex life than I ever have before. Sex continues to be a major issue in our relationship- except this time, it’s flipped around in many ways. Before I started voicing my needs, he was kinda pushy about sex and usually wanted it more than I did. Then I started putting my foot down and saying “my satisfaction is just as important as yours, I deserve the same amount of effort as I give you, we need to figure this out because it’s not working.” Now, we don’t have sex nearly as often as we used to. Last month we only had sex maybe 5 times. Same for the month before. We’ve been living together for almosd 2 years now so we see each other more than ever, yet we have less sex than we did when we were in college/not seeing each other everyday. He doesn’t initiate sex nearly as much, and when he does it’s right before bed- he’ll nudge up against me in bed to “let me know” he’s aroused and we’ll have foreplay for not even 5 minutes before we actually have sex. Even though we found a hands-free toy to use during sex to help me along, he rarely makes an effort to initiate using the toy. It’s almost always me. I’ve tried to “spice things up” by sending him a risqué picture while he’s at work every once in a while (hoping that he’ll come home later and initiate something, but he never does). I’ve even been trying to do new things outside of my comfort zone (*which doesn’t mean I’m uncomfortable with them, just not as familiar with them*), like swallowing after a BJ (sorry TMI) or taking pictures during sex- basically stuff that he likes that I’ve been trying to do in hopes that he’ll be more sexy or dominant about initiating sex (at least beyond just rubbing up against me whenever he wants to do it right before bed…)
None of this has worked and I’m still left feeling unsatisfied, not desirable, and incredibly frustrated. I really don’t know what else to do. I’m at a time in my life where I feel like I should be having more sex (and more good sex, at that). I shouldn’t already be feeling like this at 23! I get that we’ve been together for a little while now so things are bound to cool down a bit, but this doesn’t feel right. Laying in bed, feeling angry and hurt and confused as he rolls over and goes to sleep after a week of no sex doesn’t feel normal. We’ve talked about it so many times, this same issue, yet nothing gets fixed. We’ll talk about it, come to some sort of a solution by having sex more, he’ll initiate using the toy maybe once after our talk, and then we fall right back into the same routine. We’ve also talked about “love languages” and he knows that physical touch is my dominant “language,” so physical intimacy and sex are really important to my happiness in the relationship. He knows this, yet he still doesn’t prioritize it. Even things like holding hands or cuddling are all initiated by me because he “forgets to do things like that sometimes.” Just a couple weeks ago we talked about our own love languages and how we can use our knowledge of the other persons’ to make them happy. It didn’t help with anything. Opportunities will come and go without either of us initiating anything (because I used to more and I found that if I don’t, we’ll have sex maybe once a week on his time, and I’m just sick of being the only one). We’re often busy and tired because of classes and work but even during the times when neither of us is busy or tired (say, a weekend day) he just won’t initiate things.
Everything else in our relationship is good. I don’t understand because we get along pretty great outside of sex. We enjoy each other’s company most of the time, he’s always concerned about making me happy and vice versa. I feel like with sex, he’s very insecure and doesn’t know how to go about things because he’s nervous about screwing it up (even though I’ve told him what I like and guided him and I’m very patient…) I don’t get it.
Also, nothing is wrong at work or in his family. He has a job that he really likes- it’s an 9-5 office job, but it pays well and he likes his coworkers and he’s not really stressed out by it at all. So that’s not an issue.
I don’t know what to do. I would never ever cheat on him but sometimes I just want to go out one night, dance hook up with some random guy because I need that affection. I need to feel desired. I would never do that but I feel this need. I can’t help but get excited whenever a guy shows interest in me or flirts with me because I don’t feel desired by my boyfriend. I hate it because I love him so much and we’ve been together for so long and been through so much. We have a rough plan on getting married in a couple years and I don’t want to break up with him. But I can’t keep living like this.