Dating 5 1/2 years, unsatisfied sex life

posted 2 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 2
Member
1339 posts
Bumble bee

kinlee :  All I’m going to say is sex is a HUGE part of the relationship. Maybe you’ve outgrown him.

Post # 3
Member
3452 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2017 - Poppy Ridge Golf Course

kinlee :  I’m sorry the love might be there but you’re not sexually compatible. If you marry this person you’ll end up more miserable and unsatisfied than you are now. You’ve talked through this, made your needs known and tried new things yet nothing has changed. You’ve grown in two different directions sexually and you need to decide if this is something you can tolerate long term. I couldn’t but it has to be your decision.

Post # 4
Member
62 posts
Worker bee

I agree with PP that this is a huge part of a relationship. Intimacy is really important – which is more than just the physical act of sex. 

He isn’t taking your needs/wants/desires/etc into consideration and is just looking to stick it in . . . that isn’t cool. As a teenager, not knowing what you’re doing – that’s one thing. But for adults who have grown into a relationship together sex should be a really fun time for the two of you to explore and figure out what each other likes. Sure, maybe there is something he isn’t crazy about but you absolutely love it – your reaction to it should enough for him to be like “Yeh, I’m gonna do that again for sure”. 

 

Sometimes the best part is seeing your partner enjoying it. The physical act also doesn’t have the be main event . . . there’s so many other ways to be intimate. It sounds like maybe you guys aren’t compatible. Sure, you were teenagers when you met but can you live like this forever? With a man who doesn’t care about your needs? If he cared, he’d be trying, full stop. You might need to consider where you stand, and what you need.

Now I am not saying sex is everything – it isn’t. But he’s not even showing intimacy towards you, or caring about your needs. I would get out: you’ve talked, he’s had chances to make some changes and nothing happens. Even if he isn’t saying it, he’s showing you with his actions this isn’t important to him and neither are your needs. I think that says a whole lot more than words ever can. 

Post # 5
Member
1144 posts
Bumble bee

Talk is cheap. Actions speak louder than works. He knows you’re unhappy but isn’t willing to do anything different to make you happy. That’s not okay. 

Post # 6
Member
1064 posts
Bumble bee

Sometimes you can be in love with someone, and almost everything can be great. But if there is one thing causing so much grief, that’s going to cause resentment. Resentment kills romantic love.

You’ve made a lot of effort to acknowledge and improve the problem.

It doesn’t sound like he has even attempted to meet you halfway.

You’re really young to be settling for bad sex.

It’s not going to improve with marriage…

Post # 7
Member
607 posts
Busy bee

Toys! Go to a sex trade-show with your boyfriend. There you can explore clothes, toys, everything to do with sex products. Plus, there’s usually entertainment, a bondage dungeon you can try, private photo booths, all sorts of fun kinky things to try and buy. Our city has a huge exhibit that comes through 1-2 times a year and we make sure to go every year, helps us talk about new things we may be into 😉 

Post # 8
Member
1368 posts
Bumble bee

I’m sorry, Bee, but it doesn’t sound like this is your forever relationship. You made a decision to be with this person when you were young, and not only have you changed (pretty normal at this stage of life!), you’re assuming that a choice you made as a teenager is a reasonable choice to make for yourself in your 20s. The choice to be with your boyfriend is no longer a reasonable choice now that you’re no longer a shy teen. You’ve become more forthright, confident, and assertive–these are wonderful things! This man just doesn’t fit you anymore. 

Post # 9
Member
1368 posts
Bumble bee

almax :  I don’t think getting more toys and being “sexy” for a day is going to get at the root of the problem with their sexual incompatibility. As OP said, things may change for a week and then they’re back to normal again. There’s a deeper problem than simply not having a wider variety of sex toys available to them. 

Post # 10
Member
1003 posts
Bumble bee

I was in a similar situation to you when I was in my early 20s (with the same guy for 5 years, a virgin when I met him).  One day, I stopped initiating.  I didn’t initiate sex.  I didn’t initiate kissing, hugging, snuggling, hand holding, etc.  I thought he might pick up the slack.  But, he didn’t.  After a couple of weeks, I came to the realization that we were just really really good roommates.  I truly believe we cared about each other deeply, we just weren’t right for each other.  I ended it and took time to explore my sexual side.  Eight months later, I met my husband.  During those 8 months, I found out what I liked and didn’t like.  Inevitably, sexual chemistry in any relationship will ebb and flow.  But, I think it is a whole lot easier to deal with that when you have a strong foundation.  You have to ask yourself, is this what you want for the rest of your life?  

Post # 11
Member
1395 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2020

kinlee :  My relationship is pretty similar to yours. We were both in high school when we met, both each other’s first sexual experience, and have been together 4+ years. The difference is that I feel our sex life is just getting better and better as we go. Not only do we communicate needs, but we follow through with them!

For example, if he tells me he wants more time to hang out with the guys, then I make the effort to encourage that and to not take up all his free time (within reason). He feels happy that he was truly listened to, I’m happy because it was a small sacrifice to make him happy. 

You’re telling your boyfriend physical needs you have. He listens, but he doesn’t really put in effort into fixing or helping with those needs. Now you feel unhappy because you expressed to him needs that he is unwilling to fulfill. 

Sex is a HUGE part of a relationship, especially for those of us with the need for physical touch. I would go crazy if I didn’t have the physical intimacy that my SO provides me, and I would be extremely unhappy if I were in your shoes. Yes, he still may be an amazing guy besides this one thing, but this isn’t just a minor thing! This isn’t a thing of “oh he never remembers to take out the garbage” it’s the ONE THING that sets you apart from being roommates. 

Honestly, you have time and time again expressed your needs that he won’t step up an fulfill, which leads me to think it’s time for you to move on and find someone who will. Trust me, there are amazing guys who will have everything your current bf has and will also listen and fulfill your physical needs. Best of luck <3

Post # 12
Member
181 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I’m sorry bee, but it sounds like he heard what you said. He understands that you want more, but once he knew you weren’t going to continue to settle and accept less than what you deserve…he stopped initiating. Now he sees sex as “work,” a chore where he has to care about what you want and need, too. It’s unacceptable. A true partner and someone who loves you CARES whether or not you’re enjoying yourself, and often your enjoyment leads to further enjoyment and pleasure for them, too. My husband always puts my orgasm first. He takes his time with foreplay and oral and always makes it clear that I have as much time as I need to get there. He doesn’t rush me and he is completely invested into ensuring I am enjoying myself before worrying about himself – and I am more than happy to reciprocate. 

You may love him, but I think it’s clear that right now, you’re not compatible in a HUGE way. And as much as you’ve tried to talk to him, it’s ultimatum/total honesty time. You need to ask him, “do you actually care about whether or not I am enjoying sex and also feeling fulfilled, or not?” If the answer is no, you dump him. If he says he does, he still needs to own up to whatever the issue is. He either needs to promise to work on it and immediately start doing so and showing you with actions and open communication, or…you decide how long you’re going to put up with this nonsense. 

There are plenty of great guys who will love you and be awesome AND give you fireworks in bed. 

Post # 13
Member
57 posts
Worker bee

I don’t think you need to ask him any more questions. He will say he does want you to enjoy sex but he will say it because he knows it’s the right thing to say and not because he has any great interest in being part of helping that happen.

At this point, the reason or reasons for his lack of enthusiasm don’t matter. He lacks the motivation to please you and if he doesn’t have it now, in his early 20s when he is at his peak, physically, he will be even less interested as he ages. 

Just a general point about lovers of all genders. People can be inexperienced and they can be ignorant of how their partner’s body works and of their specific desires and favourite practices. However, those issues are easily cured by enthusiasm and a desire to both please and learn with their partner. Selfishness and lack of interest at such a basic level can’t really be fixed.

You wish he were different and you’ve given him every opportunity to show he was in the first, fixable, category but actions speak the loudest and his message is unequivocable. Shared sex just isn’t that important to him. You don’t need to settle for that.

Post # 14
Member
428 posts
Helper bee

Don’t settle bee. You’re not sexually compatible. You have outgrown this man. You’ve  tried everything you know to express your needs and wants and given him plenty of opportunity to improve and satisfy you. A good loving partner WANTS to make their partner sexually happy. He doesn’t care. Time to move on. 

Post # 15
Member
2513 posts
Sugar bee

It honestly just sounds to me like you’re just ready to explore what else is out there. You say you fantasize about going off and having a random hookup. I think part of this is that you feel like you’re young and attractive and want to be having exciting sexy adventures that you don’t feel like you’re having with your current partner. As someone who was with my high school boyfriend for about 5 years until my early twenties too… I can relate. I knew deep down that I didn’t feel like I could marry him without knowing what else was out there. And my gut was right. There was a LOT more out there and it was hard to get that perspective when all I knew was him. You got together really young and it sounds like you’re questioning whether this is really the person you want to stay with forever. 

I do want to say, though, you say you had sex “only 5 times” last month. An average of more than once a week for a long term relationship honestly doesn’t sound bad to me. Of course I understand you think it should be more, but it’s very possible that you just have different libidos and that he’s happy with the amount you have sex. There’s nothing wrong with him not wanting to have sex more often, just like there’s nothing wrong with you wanting to have sex more. It’s a compatibility issue, though, as PPs have pointed out. Most relationships also do face slumps after being together many years. It’s not alarming to me that you used to have sex more early in your relationship. The fact that you’re not feeling satisifed with the sex you are having and don’t feel like he prioritizes your pleasure, though — those are the redflags for me. 

 

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