Post # 1
Hey ladies i am new here, lol.
I need advice. I’ve been in a relationship (we make 2 years in October) and I am 25 and he is 29. He recently became employed w NYPD and we survived the academy. We have a great relationship up until the point (yesterday) when I asked him when he saw us getting married. At first he said 2099, trying to be funny and then he said idk like that is an acceptable answer.
Then he told me how he is so turned off to marriage after talking to other guys in his department and how he has never made such a big commitment and how its him not me. He told me he would marry me probably. He told me marriage was the last thing on his mind. At this point i was sitting in my car trying not to cry in public. I just want him to choose me the way i choose him. don’t have children and have never lived together.
I told him I’d wait 5 years max, and he being generous lowered it to 3 years. Is he playing me or stringing me along?
Do i wait? I told him i couldnt be with him anymore and he blew my phone up and when i finally answered he told me i wasnt going anywhere and.i wasn’t leaving him.
What to do?
Post # 2
Bail. I guarantee that the timeline you negotiated is when he thinks he’ll be ready to think about getting married, not actually get married.
Post # 3
I would honestly bail Bee.
I dated my fair share of men who were approaching 30 and still didn’t know when and if they’d get married. You know what I learned? You want someone who will WANT to marry you (vs. someone who feels like he HAS to marry you). You want someone for whom ‘being married’ means something very similar than it does to you (vs. someone who thinks marriage is a ball and chain, ‘the next step,’ a social commitment but not a real one, etc.). You want someone for whom marriage is on the front of his mind, not the “last thing he’s thinking about.”
‘Older women always told me this and I never listened but men are pretty straightforward and honest. He told you the truth. Now it’s up to you to decide whether you want that to be your life.
Post # 4
This has nothing to do with him being a cop, and everything to do with him personally. He’s telling you he doesn’t want to get married.
Post # 5
- Wedding: October 2015 - Ruby Princess
when you find the right person, they cannot wait to marry you. They will move mountains to make it happen.
Post # 6
- Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle
It’s nothing to do with him being a cop. My SIL is married to a cop and while it’s sometimes not easy for her, that’s to do with the job not him. If he really wanted to marry you, he’d marry you. Sorry.
Post # 7
From what i know, a guy knows early on in a relationship if you’re the one. He’s at an age where he should be aware of his goals and what type of mate he’s after.
If he’s scared of marrying you then i’m sorry to say it’s likely you’re not the one. If he knew you were it, he would never risk the possibility you been taken away by another suitor.
If you want to know for sure, break it off. Stick to your guns and leave him. If he truely loves you, he will move mountains to get you back as amandajane4949 said.
Let him work for it if he wants you. You’ve done enough opening your heart and letting him know you want to marry him. His current reply to you isn’t good enough and be honest quite concerning.
Put yourself first. Leave. It’s the only way you’ll truely know how he feels.
Post # 8
Wait, he told YOU that YOU weren’t going anywhere and that YOU weren’t leaving him? Aw, hell no. I was thinking this relationship was fixable until he started bossing you around like a perp. He’s just shown you how little respect he has for what you want. Just tell this guy, “Oh really? I’m not leaving? Watch me.”
Post # 9
He told me marriage was the last thing on his mind. At this point i was sitting in my car trying not to cry in public. I just want him to choose me the way i choose him. don’t have children and have never lived together.
I told him I’d wait 5 years max, and he being generous lowered it to 3 years. Is he playing me or stringing me along?”
NOOOOOOOO You shouldn’t have to negotiate or settle for the love you deserve. Do you really wanna be having this same convo 5 years from now? Marriage to YOU is NOT on his mind, you prioritize him and his needs more than yours and he makes you wanna cry. LEAVE.
Post # 10
He can’t just tell you that you’re not leaving, how controlling is that?!
I hate this arsehole-y, bravado-y thing (usually older) guys do telling unmarried men about how marriage is such a bad idea, you’ll never ever have sex again, you’ll get nagged all the time, she’ll get fat and lazy etc etc. It seems like a bit of a pissing contest for the insecure wannabe-alpha male. He’s obviously been taken in by it – do yourself a favour and find someone a bit more secure in himself.
Post # 11
Like others have said, it has nothing to do with being a cop, it’s just his personality. I think maybe the next step you should discuss is living together, not marrige. I’m not sure what your beliefs on living together before marriage are, but I 100% believe that you can’t know if you want to marry someone without living with them. I don’t agree with him telling you that you weren’t leaving, that definitely sounds too controlling. I wouldnt wait 5 years that’s for sure. If you’re interested in having kids, you’d be looking at having them into your 30s if you’re waiting for marriage to have them. I can kind of see why marriage wouldn’t be on his mind right now since he’s just starting his career, but he should at least be able to tell you for certain that he wants to marry you.
Some other things for you to think about is if you really want to be a cops wife. Long nights alone at home wondering if they’re going to get home safely, missed holidays, kids worrying about daddy’s safety when he’s late for supper, etc. I’m a cops daughter and we have a lot of first responders in our family. Just some food for thought.
Post # 12
This doesnt have anything to do with him being a cop. It has everything to do with his personality and the people he hangs out with, and I would honestly bail.
My husband is a cop and he had no questions about marrying me. Actually, most of the friends he has made throughout the time he has been working for the department are married/engaged/have a family. Being in a relationship with a cop can bring a really close group of friends into your life…but it doesn’t sound like he is interested in that.
Post # 13
Disagree with PP. If you want marriage, the LAST thing I would do right now is move in with this guy who has alerady expressly told you marriage is the last thing on his mind. I have no problem with living together before marriage, but I think it’s not a good idea to do it when one person is ready to be married and the other is really not. I think both people need to be on the same page before cohabitating, whether that page is “hey we really like each other and just wanna see where this goes, maybe we’ll get married some day or maybe not!” or “we know we are ‘the one’ for each other and have agreed on a timeline for getting engaged.”
Also, this is kind of creepy: “he told me i wasnt going anywhere and.i wasn’t leaving him.”
Post # 14
I really hope he was kidding when he told you that you weren’t going anywhere.
Id leave. The guy is almost 30 and made no real commitment to you after being together two years. We see the waiting bees being strung along for YEARS by there guy, please don’t be another one.
Post # 15
wow, serious alarm bells going off. His controlling language screams abuse or coming abuse. I would run immediately.
I am very worried for you, bee.