(Closed) Dating a cop? Help

posted 5 years ago in Engagement
Post # 16
Member
1188 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

you framed it oddly, but it sounds like you’ve only been dating for a year and a half. I think it’s normal that he’s not gung ho on the marriage talk yet. The cop thing is a red herring. 

Post # 17
Member
485 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

Is not getting married a dealbreaker for you? 

 

If it is, I’d walk.

Post # 18
Member
4605 posts
Honey bee

Move in together??? Oh hell no!!! I am rendered speechless at the suggestion.

Post # 19
Member
877 posts
Busy bee

Also going to say this doesn’t have anything to do with him being a cop. But I’m also going to say you haven’t been together very long at all. I don’t think it’s unreasonable for him to not know right now. If you are happy and you don’t mind starting over in a couple years if it comes down to it, then I think you’d be stupid to leave him. But if marriage is what you’re after right this second then leave. After 4 years together my fiancé told me he wasn’t sure he ever wanted to get married, not because of me but just because. It was hard to hear, but I realized I was happy with him and either now or later I was going to get my heart broken. Since I wasn’t trying to get married right then I chose later, and a year later he proposed. Sometimes you just have to give it time. If I had asked him a year and a half into our relationship I definitely think he would have said no! And maybe ran away because he’s a commitment-phone. Lol. But, after that amount of time I wouldn’t be ready to answer that question either.

 

And think long and hard about what the bees said about his comment being controlling. Without knowing how he said it I don’t think we can say for certain if it was meant in a controlling, commanding way or more like he was in denial, but it definitely could have been the former. If you felt it was controlling at all then disregard my previous advice and get out immediately. You don’t need that. 

Post # 20
Member
401 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

View original reply
zl27:  sorry to render you speechless. I don’t necessarily think she should stay with him, i suggested that because IF she is planning on staying, maybe discussing that should come before marriage, that’s all I meant. I wasn’t suggesting she move in with an abusive partner. Yes his comment sounded controlling, but it’s taken out of context. We don’t know him or how he acts when they’re together. She’s not asking for advice on how to leave an abusive relationship, shes upset that this man isn’t ready for marriage, so based on that I assume he’s not abusive if she wants to be with him so bad that she cries in public when he mentions not being ready for marriage. After being together for a couple of years, the next step should be talking about living together, not marriage. Everyone will have different opinions on this, but I would never commit myself to marry someone that I haven’t lived with. IF he is abusive then yes she should leave, just to be clear. 

Post # 21
Member
877 posts
Busy bee

**another note, it could have to do with his career if he plans to go Federal or something later on. You didn’t mention anything about that, but there are jobs that prefer single men. So if its something like that then it would best to leave, you don’t want to stand in the way of his goals but you do want to get married. It’s also hard to be at work all the time and never see your family so I guess he could be nervous about that. However, I didn’t actually get that vibe from your post, I’m just throwing it out there. 

 

And I agree with the PP who said you should think about if Cop Wife Life is what you even want. It’s scary, and I promise you academy is the easy part. 

Post # 22
Member
1289 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

I am leaning towards him trying to show you that he will do anything for you to stay, not being controlling. When you are desperate and stressed, sometimes you twist your words or shit gets taken out of context. I think you all need to chill a little lol.

Also, I don’t think you SHOULD bail right away. You guys are still young and haven’t been together very long. God knows I had the same conversation with my Fiance at that point in our relationship and he was freaking out about marriage too. For him it was the fact that he felt too young, did not have a stable career, and he just wasn’t ready. It took him 5 years to be ready to propose to me and 1 year of engagement.

Not every person is the same. I suggest have a calm, mature conversation with him about how he feels, what his fears are about marriage, and try to get realistic timeline of marriage that he sees as fair to him. Then you will have answers.

It all sounded like first time talk, him being like “oh shit, time to think for real” and saying some stupid shit under pressure. And I think you overreacted by trying to leave him too.

Post # 23
Member
174 posts
Blushing bee

I was with you up until that last paragraph. He says you’re not leaving him? Uh, not his call. Run.

Post # 24
Member
341 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2016 - Muhlhauser Barn

Married a Cop and Divorced a Cop.  BUT this has nothing to do with him being a cop.  Being an officers wife is hard — lots of nights alone and them not coming home when scheduled due to the job, but this you can always work through! (unless he lies like mine did…)

 It sounds like you two really want different things in life and you dont want to have to pursuade anyone into marriage.  That just sets yourself up for failure!

Post # 25
Member
1595 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
MrsFiveOh:  

What federal jobs prefer single men?

Post # 26
Member
3258 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

Get out now, Bee. You can have great times and conquer difficult situations like the police academy without him being the one for you. You may have similar personalities, you may have great communication together, but without the same goals for the future you don’t really have a thing.

He’s not the one for you. You and him view the future in entirely different ways. And when that future arrives, you will split up. Save the time and even more painful heartbreak and end it now.

“So the other day when you said I wouldn’t leave? Watch me. Bye.”

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 6 months ago by lovelyruby.
Post # 27
Member
269 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

View original reply
cherryberry25:  know your priorities for yourself. If marriage is what you want then you now know that he is not the one you need. Don’t compromise yourself. 

Post # 28
Member
2156 posts
Buzzing bee

if he “doesn’t know” after two years, you’ve got your answer…just take the “doesn’t” out

Post # 29
Member
335 posts
Helper bee

I was going to say give it time, that everyone’s timeline is different and two years isn’t a ton of time in the grand scheme of things…and then I read the bit about him telling you that you’re not leaving him. 

Leave him. Do not respond, unless it’s to tell him that the relationship is unconditionally over.

This is a giant red flag for future abuse.

Post # 30
Member
1829 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

I think I was told once after a year you know if you want to marry someone or not. I knew I wanted to marry my SO with in months, and he feels the same. 

He wont be ready when you are. I tried that. He strung me along for 5 years. Get out. 

The topic ‘Dating a cop? Help’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors