(Closed) Dating a cop? Help

posted 6 years ago in Engagement
Post # 31
Member
1135 posts
Bumble bee

I’d bail. He is stringing you along. If a 29 year old isn’t sure he wants to commit to a long term girl friend, then he probably never will. 

Post # 32
Member
592 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

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maritimebride2016:  I don’t think it’s good advice for OP to move in with a man who said he doesn’t want to get married when she clearly does. He’ll just get even more complacent. Then she’s giving him EVERYTHING….OP, please leave this man and find someone who is marriage minded, do not reward him by moving in with him.

Post # 33
Member
592 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

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zl27:  Agreed! Horrible advice.

Post # 34
Member
97 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

If his reason for not wanting to get married were things like “It’s a big step” or “I’m not sure if I’m ready”

Then fine… give the poor man some time to get on board with the idea.

Don’t put an expiration date on a proposal. If Fiance had done that to me, we would have long since broken up, and we wouldn’t be 9 years in with a wedding date set (I had absolutely zero interest in marriage until I was 100% ready… he, however, really wanted to get married). If you’re willing to wait for a proposal, then wait. 

Sit down and talk about why he’s worried about marriage and if marriage is ever in the cards for you. Then go with what you think is best.

But that advice is for a future guy… one that isn’t Mr. Cop.

Because Mr. Cop….seriously needs to go.

“I told him i couldnt be with him anymore and he blew my phone up and when i finally answered he told me i wasnt going anywhere and.i wasn’t leaving him.”

That is some controlling bull right there. THAT is the reason to run away as fast as you can.

That is his “reason” for not wanting to marry you.

Why does he need to propose to you ever when he is so certain that you are going to stay with him regardless? He’s basially telling you that he knows he can say and do anything to you….and you’ll stick around.

Those are steps into a really emotionally abusive relationship. I don’t usually blast this information… but that’s the same crap my dad said to my mom. And it took her 22 years to get away from something that started as simple as “you aren’t going anywhere” and turned into “you can’t go anywhere [insert threat of the week]”

You’ll never get a proposal from him because he knows he has you. And if by some chance you do get a proposal, it’ll just be some master scheme to force you to stay with him. You think you’re getting what you what…. when in reality he’s making sure it’ll be practically impossible for you to leave. I can almost promise you that if you get a proposal from him, it’ll be when he realizes that you are actually prepared to leave.

Seriously, Bee, run as fast as you can away from him.

 

Post # 35
Member
939 posts
Busy bee

I don’t see how he’s unwilling to commit has to do w/ him being a cop. 

Post # 36
Member
924 posts
Busy bee

He’s not ready to get married. To be fair, he did tell you that. When you say “I just want him to choose me the way I chose him”, well, you can’t make anyone choose you or make anyone get married. Because trust me, if you marry someone who doesn’t want to get married and feels forced, it doens’t end up good (I’m living the story from my ex husband… I pushed him into it, he wasn’t ready and afterward told everyone how I made him get married… even though I couldn’t MAKE him, it still make me look bad).

As for him saying you weren’t going anywhere, I read it as you’ve showed you weren’t going anywhere, even when you should have left, you stayed, and really, that’s almost as bad. He’s letting you think he’ll be ready for marriage in 3-5 years (maybe he will be) but you’ve always showed that you’re willing to wait that long, so its a like a pull-pull situation. 

Then I re-read it again. However, without knowing the tone used, its hard to know if he said it as in “yeah… you aren’t going anywhere” or a threatening “you’re NOT going anywhere you hear me? You’re staying with me”. 

But moving in with him isn’t the answer. Because it’s something like that that gives him the idea of “well, we’re living together, why do we need to get married?” And an old fashioned thought or not, it’s true. I know of couples who’ve lived together 10+ years, and then get married, and the marriage lasts less than a year, because all of the sudden one or the other things they can start making depends because “you’re my wife now” or “you’re my husband now”. 

While it might work in some cases, for someone who isn’t ready to commit to marriage, moving in with them isn’t a good step… because after all, they have what they want, right? Someone to sleep with, do their chores, keep their house, (possibly) have their children, what kind of incentive would they have to get married? And yes, some men are sentimental and want the sacrament of marriage, but others do have that thought “we have everything we need… why get married?” (and unfortunately, they don’t realize that legally, they have no rights to anything about the person if they should die.  And, God forbid, say that person end up in jail serving a sentence in another state? When they get on parole, they can’t even be paroled to you because you aren’t immediate family. An extreme scenario, but its very, very true. If you’re living with someone for say 10 years, and all of the sudden they serve an 18 month sentence in another state and end up with say 5, 10 years of parole (depending on the crime) you’ll either have to go to them and get married so they can be released to you (as a resident of your state) so you’d be getting married anyway, or uprooting yourself and moving to that state and being with them, or waiting on them for 5-10 years while they get off parole. So again, extreme scenario, but its things like that that no one thinks about until it happens. Or say the other person is in an accident and ends up on life support, you have no say in what happens to them (unles you’re their power of attorney). Then again, I guess different states can be different on how that works, but I know that here you have to be next of kin to make those decisions. 

So rant over about that, but yeah, if he isn’t ready to commit, don’t make it easy on him and move in with him. Because I can guarantee that won’t push him into wanting marriage, especially since he doesn’t seem like Mr. Romantic. 

Post # 37
Member
1012 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

it takes a special kind of person to marry a cop. If you are questioning it now, RUN!

Post # 38
Member
4044 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

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cherryberry25:  I wouldnt be with a man who said he never wanted to get married. Id also NEVER be with a man who told me “I wasn’t leaving him” when I told him I was. 

Control issues, much? Red flag for me right there. Be careful.

Post # 39
Member
900 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

at first I was going to say the fact he’s a cop isn’t relevant. But then I was thinking back and remembering old times in my relationship. Honestly-separation and stress during academies are hard-on relationships but also on the cops/LE whoever’ going through it.  Their whole life and training for months is basically-everyone is out to get you and might kill you. It’s not a great mental state for dealing with the rest of life. When my fiancé came back after his second academy (slightly different LE training Structure but my point is the same)–he really needed some “down time”. He’d been on edge and stressed for so many months. We had some really rough times his first couple months back! I stopped wedding planning and we wouldn’t even talk about marriage and married life. He wasn’t abusive or anything — he just was kind of the worse version of himself as he readjusted to “normal life”.  

So so I guess I just want to say-let it go for a while. Give him a couple months (really! not a week or two-some real time) to wind down again and settle into his new life and job. I think you should reevaluate this no sooner than when you hit your 2yr Mark. By then you should both know if you can see marrying each other. You might be pressuring him to think about something he literally can’t handle right now. 

Post # 40
Member
527 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

He seems a little controlling with that last part you mentioned. Do I think he will propose to you in 3 years? Most likely not. Do I think he will get pissed if you keep bringing up marriage, definitely. You are going to be waiting close to 10 years if you want to marry this man. He just isn’t ready and it isn’t even on his radar. His work friends are bad influences on the decision as well.

Post # 41
Member
3848 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

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cherryberry25:    This part gave me cold chills  “he told me i wasnt going anywhere and i wasn’t leaving him.”    Very scary and controlling.  

Never mind his job or the long timeline – I would never stay with a man who made such an egotistical presumption.  

Post # 42
Member
263 posts
Helper bee

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cherryberry25:  I have dated quite a few cops, NYPD to be exact, I live in NY. If he says “Marriage is the last thing on his mind,” believe him. He’s 29, he may not be ready for marriage yet or unsure about marrying you specifically. I wouldn’t view it as anything personal, it is just where he is at in his life. I would move on to someone who is in more of the mental space you are in terms of a relationship and the future. Don’t waste your time with him. You’re young, keep it moving.

Post # 43
Member
90 posts
Worker bee

I’ve been in a similar situation and I now, at 29, SERIOUSLY regret sticking around. I was with my guy from age of 24. Asked him after about a year of being together seriously, when he saw us getting married. He answered eerily similary to what you are describing. After a few years of back and forth, when I was around 27, he said he “still wasn’t quite ready yet” but could I please wait for him as he’d be ready in a few years. Earlier this year he broke it off with me for some other girl he wanted to be with. Now the “other girl” part obviously has nothing to do with your story. My point is I waited…and waited…and waited…because I didn’t listen to what he was really saying with his original answer. I just heard the “maybe someday” part and took that as enough.

I’m also concerned about his response to you over phone…seems a bit aggressive. Please take care of yourself in this situation!

Post # 44
Member
90 posts
Worker bee

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MrsHarryDresden:  Man I wish I’d known something like this a few years ago! Oh well…better late than never to learn the lesson 🙂

Post # 45
Member
1630 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

In reality this has very little to do with him being a cop and everything to do with him not being ready to be married. Who knows when he’ll be ready, but I would bail. I think the part that really got to me was where you said he said he told me “i wasnt going anywhere and.i wasn’t leaving him”. That is very controlling behavior right there, and quite frankly would be the end of the conversation, I would be done. You have your own life and have to make your choices based on what’s best for you and what you want in life. Even if he does somehow end up marrying you, the life of a cop’s wife is not an easy one. Especially with the climate as it is currently with law enforcement. My husband was a cop when we met, and the only reason he isn’t now is due to an injury (back injury sustained on the job, but not due to a particular incident, just over time). Basically I guess what I’m trying to say is I would bail on this guy, but realize that this has nothing to do with him being a cop and therefore don’t shut out other guys who may come into your life based on their profession. 

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