Post # 1
Hi bees, I’m looking for some objective input/advice!
I recently met a guy online, I am 30 and he is 34. On his profile he selected “never married” but the very first time we chatted, one of the first things he told me is that he was married and divorced when he was 25, and it lasted 3 months. He said he doesn’t like putting it on his profile because it was long ago and he finds it deters a lot of women before they find out anything else about him. I hate to admit, but it threw me to find out he was divorced. I was then more concerened with what happened to cause the divorce, and he explained it that she seemed unhappy and left without a word after three months. She had moved from another city to marry him, they hadn’t dated long in the first palce, and she apparently did give signs of not being ready to get married which he says he unfortunately ignored.
I am dating to eventually marry (with the right person of course) and he says he is too. I know I am only hearing one side of the story but my question is, it just seems weird to me that he can’t really point to what happened, just that she left after 3 months. I also wonder why he married someone after not knowing them for long despite him knowing she wasn’t in a place to get married. We are only in the beginning stages of getting to know each other, and I’m wondering if this would be cause for concern for anyone else? Would you wonder if there was more to the story or am I overthinking it?
Post # 2
katy85 : Hi, I feel like quite the expert on this since I’m divorced myself and my SO is also divorced.
They happen for so many reasons, with so many caveats as to the who/what/when/why.
His was almost a decade ago, and it was short lived. I think a lot of it can be attributed to being young, idealistic and not understanding how difficult it can be. Especially if she was moving to a new city to be with him, I think it probably brought their problems to the forefront and hit both of them like a ton of bricks.
If he seems like a good guy, and can articulate what he wants NOW, that is more important than a breakup 10 years ago.
Post # 3
I think you might be overthinking it–for him this was almost 10 years ago and he’s likely a different person now than he was then. My Darling Husband was engaged and ALMOST married previously, and he knows now in hindsight that he didn’t make the right choice by proposing but he still doesn’t really know why she called it off. If you like this guy I’d continue getting to know him and see if any other issues pop up…hopefully not!
Post # 4
You’re overthinking it IMO. It was nearly 10 years ago and people change. What if he got hung up on why one of your relationships ended? It’s really not fair to hold someone’s past against them. Unless he cheated or was an addict or something I wouldn’t worry about it.
Post # 5
Hindsight is 20/20? It’s totally true.
Anyway, it sounds like you haven’t even gone on an actual date with this guy? I can see why he’d be hesitant to talk about this sort of thing (though I don’t agree with him lying on his profile but there is a stigma). He’s probably embarrassed of having such a short marriage. Maybe there is more to the situation then he’s letting on at the moment, but I don’t really think an in-depth convo about all the things that went wrong in your first marriage is good first date talk.
Post # 6
mrspenn : I agree actually – I’d hate if he held a past breakup against me. I guess my guard is up as to the “why” – it seems like from what he says it was her and she left without a word. I’m just curious as to if there’s more to the story since when someone says it’s on the other person, that makes me wonder. I’ve been lied to a LOT in past relationships so that might be causing the overthinking.
Post # 7
llevinso : We have gone on a few dates. I get that he may not want to talk about it too much so I do appreciate him telling me, although I was surprised at first that he didn’t put it on his profile.
Post # 8
Hmm, it’s worth “overthinking”, and you don’t need to feel badly for evaluating how you feel about things. You’re trying to find the person you want to marry! And it’s better to think about it now then later.
Personally, as little as it is, I find the “never married” thing would bug me a little, so I’d just make sure I said something early on that it bugged me and I would expect full openness in a relationship. I get his reasons, but obviously it would have been better for you to know to begin with because then it threw you off a bit later. I would say though he gets kudos for telling you right away at least when you started chatting.
Personally, his marriage was 9 years ago if I do my math correctly? I think I would just get to know him instead of holding this “against” him. He will have changed, it doesn’t sound like there was particularly bad circumstances, and he may legitimately have just rushed into a marriage at a fairly young/immature stage. People do that, and I don’t think that there’s always super logical reasons to explain why.
Plus, he doesn’t have to make his case to you, you know? He’s tried to explain the best he could. You get to decide if the man in front of you, 9 years later, is someone you’re interested in. Get to know him for who he is now. It may or may not work out, but unless you are deeply opposed to dating a divorcee, I don’t think this would bother me or should keep you from continuing contact unless you feel there are other concerns.
ETA: I saw your other comment. It makes sense to wonder when someone doesn’t seem to own up to any fault in a failed relationship; but I still would get to know him and see if he takes responsibility in other areas. It’s maybe something to be aware of, but I really wouldn’t let it overshadow things right now unless you see a pattern of him not taking responsibility for his part in your current relationship.
Post # 9
katy85 : My fiancé also married at 25 and they split 6 months later. He regrets it completely, and I hate that he went through such a horrible time getting over it. However, it made him who he is today. In my opinion, you’re definitely over thinking this. He owes you no explanation until he’s ready. Even then, it’s in the past. And there’s absolutely nothing wrong with people who are and have been divored, they’re not any less able to hold down a relationship. I mean this in the nicest way, but you need to not be so judgemental here. I’m sure he’ll divulge more information when (if) he knows you well enough and is ready.
Post # 10
llevinso : LOL, I think it is the number one thing dating coaches advise against.
Post # 11
katy85 : I think you’re making too big a deal out of the divorce itself. Just think of it for what it was: he had a bad relationship that ended almost ten years ago. Surely you have no problems with dating guys who have previously been involved. What difference does it make that he was divorced versus dating someone seriously? He made a big mistake, but that by itself does not show a major character flaw.
I’d be more concerned about his recent on-line lie about being never married. It falls into the same category as lying about age, weight, height to lure dates. Yes, he might be rejected by more women for being honest, but I think it’s sketchy to bait and switch. There are plenty of women who will have no issue with dating a divorced man. There is no need to lie about it.
Post # 12
BubblesandCupcakes : I get where you’re coming from. I’m actually trying really hard not to be judemental and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with people who’ve beeen divorced. I’m not super happy that he didn’t put it on his profile though. Although he owes me nothing as we’re not anything yet, I think people owe each other honesty and should be truthful on their profiles and I did share that thought with him. Maybe that’s too idealistic of me though, I don’t know. I’m trying to go forward in my dating endeavors as honestly as possible due to past experiences.
Post # 13
I would get to know him better before worrying about it. Some people, especially in the very beginning “honeymoon phase” of a relationship make stupid decisions without really thinking about it and come to regret it later on. Their judgment gets clouded and they do dumb things like sign a marriage license without really stopping to think about it.
A good friend of mine eloped with his high school sweetheart at the age of 19. They hadn’t been dating for very long but both somehow thought that they had found “the one” and were ready to make it official. It was a stupid and impulsive decision on both sides and the marriage was a complete disaster. Less than 6 months later, she packed her bags and moved back in with her parents. To this day, he still has a hard time pinpointing an exact reason for their divorce. There were a million factors that played into it. Their age, lack of time dating, neither one having a steady full-time job, etc.
Today he is happily married, and he was much more careful and far less impulsive the second time around. He waited until he was older, didn’t propose marriage right off the bat, waited until he had a steady job, etc. I wouldn’t hold the extremely brief marriage over his head right away. It sounds like it could have been one of those stupid impulsive decisions. The important thing is that he was forthcoming about it and admitted that there were red flags that he chose to ignore.
We all make stupid decisions from time to time, the important thing is learning from our mistakes. If he proposes to you after two months of dating, then he obviously didn’t learn anything and you should make a run for it. But if he seems like a decent man, respects you and treats you the way he’d want to be treated, and approaches big decisions with a lot of careful thought and consideration, then go for it and let the past be the past.
Good luck, bee
Post # 14
So . . . he feels embarrassed about putting it on his profile because it was so short-lived and meaningless, but he brings it up and talks extensively about it on the first date?
That makes no sense.
Post # 15
katy85 : I think you are definitely overthinking it. I was married in my 20’s to someone who essentially did a disappearing act after I got pregnant. There were glaring problems before we got married, but because I was pregnant he insisted we get married. I didn’t want to raise a child alone and so my fears overtook my good sense. While I was still pregnant he packed some things for a supposed hunting trip. He called me from the road and said he couldnt do it anymore. It was all a mistake and he wasnt ready for fatherhood or marriage.
It took me two years to find him to serve the divorce papers because he left the state because he knew I would seek child support. Counting the time we lived together we were together for less than 18 months of dating and 5 months of marriage. I felt like a failure as a person, as a wife and a mother.
I never got answers as to why he left so suddenly. We werent fighting or anything, I was nesting for the birth of our child and was trying very hard to look at the positive and hopeful side of things.
I was mortally embarrassed for years about it. If you say you are divorced people ask how long you were married and when you say 5 months they look at you funny, also before I met Darling Husband some people wouldnt even date me because 1.) They didnt want to date a woman with a child. 2.) A lot of them thought something must be horribly wrong with me because my marriage imploded so quickly and so suddenly.
I wouldnt hold it against him. It may be exactly as he says. They didnt date long enough, they ignored problems in their relationship, she moved near him and left her life behind and couldnt take it. How often do we see those kinds of problems right here on the Bee?