(Closed) Dating a divorced man – advice on this situation?

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 31
Member
672 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

allywed :  OP is 30. She has other options than a divorced guy who lies on his profile.

I don’t like the message that is too often put out to women in their early 30s that says “hurry up and settle for a divorced guy or a guy with kids or XYZ because you’re getting old and all the unmarried men out there have baggage or “pasts.” Of course everyone has a past, but not everyone has a bad one and bad ones shouldn’t just be overlooked. If OP would rather date men who have never been married, she has pretty high odds of finding men in her age group (late 20s-early 30s) who have never been married. There’s no reason for her to give every seemingly decent guy she meets the benefit of the doubt. Sometimes you can just give them the heave-ho.

And there’s a relatively vast amount of studies done on divorce and divorced people. According to those studies, it actually is rather wise for OP to avoid divorcees as their chance of a second divorce is significantly higher than unmarrieds’. Divorce doesn’t always or usually just happen upon people…it’s a series of active choices and behaviors in a marriage by both partners that eventually lead to its demise.

 

Post # 32
Member
945 posts
Busy bee

It was very long ago, he could have been very immature before. People change like PP said. My own father was divorced, was married for years to a woman. They started fighting after a few years but stayed together for many more because of kids. He’s very self-conscious and hates to bring up bad things in his past, so I could definitely see him not putting it out there for everybody to see on websites either, and just bring it up when there is a need to (e.g: when he thinks he can be serious about someone)

Seriously, I think he’s being fair to open up to you about this in the beginning few dates, rather than leading you on and not telling for months or years.

You need to accept his story and past if you want to date him. Don’t stay if you’re uncomfortable, sometimes it’s his other behaviours that cause you to be wary of him. 

Also I disagree with PP on avoiding certain relationship situations based on “scientific studies”. Have you seen married on first sight? Scientifically based matchmaking, but has a 50-50 odds on staying together or breaking up. 

Post # 33
Member
2052 posts
Buzzing bee

allywed :  uhm DUH! Didn’t you know that dating a divorced person clearly means you’ve settled and have low standards?! And that your relationship is doomed because, DIVORCE! How could you possibly even trust a person who has been divorced? The horror..wink

Post # 34
Member
244 posts
Helper bee

maymrswinks :  I am not saying she has to date this guy.  I think he sounds sketchy because he lied, not because he’s divorced.  I don’t think that 30 year old women need to hurry up and settle down.  I have an aunt who never married and she’s one of the happiest people I know.

My view is that life happens.  A large percentage of marriages end. I don’t think that people get married with the intention of getting divorced.  I know I intend to spend the rest of my life with my fiancé.  But who knows, maybe something will happen that I can’t even imagine now.  I would hate to be judged simply because I made a mistake in picking the wrong guy.

Post # 36
Member
3092 posts
Sugar bee

 

maymrswinks :  So you think everyone who is divorced has impulse issues and issues of bad judgment? That makes no sense to me so I was just curious. I can understand not wanting to date someone who is divorced, totally get it but huh?

Post # 37
Member
244 posts
Helper bee

katy85 :  As I mentioned earlier, if it were me, I wouldn’t be okay with his profile lie.  I’m not okay with people who fudge the truth.  I try to avoid marketer type people in personal relationships.  

Only you know where your boundaries lie.

Post # 38
Member
3092 posts
Sugar bee

 

maymrswinks :  Oh, I just saw your earlier post explaining.

You are sooo judgmental to me. I call it like I see it so just letting you know how I feel.  My  mother was married to my father for almost 30 years. He developed a gambling problem in the last 5 years that was so bad and she ended up filing for divorce.  There are soooo many examples of people who get married and one or the other has changed for the worst later on and the other person was totally blind sided. My girlfriend was with her partner for 12 years.  He cheated on her in the 10th year after having her kid.  But if she stayed, she would have had better impulse control and less bad judgment? I am wondering.  Life happens. It isn’t perfect. And one out of every 2 marriages end in divorce because of that very same reason. You can’t possibly have ALL the information before marriage even when you think you have a LOT of it. And of course divorce usually doesn’t just happen. Most people I know who’ve been through it went through with the process because they felt they had no choice. Did your relationship last with the first guy you slept with?  If you were fucking someone for 10 years without marriage and the relationship ended and you were fucking someone for 10 years with marriage and the relationship ended, why is one better than the other?

 

I just hope your marriage last forever. I really mean that.

But I do agree that the OP does not have to date a divorced guy if she doesn’t want to.

Post # 39
Member
1633 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

I also hope anyone citing scientific studies, or considering studies cited by other people, keeps in mind that correlation =/= causation.

Post # 40
Member
672 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

Butterfly6 :  No, I don’t believe in making blanket statements like “everyone who is divorced is impulsive.” I would never say that because that’s ignorant. However, if someone told me that they met someone, dated for two months, married them, and then three months later got divorced I’d say, “Huh, maybe they have impulsive tendencies or eek that was probably bad judgment” and I don’t think I’d be insane for thinking that. We all make judgments on our dates…I’m not saying they are bad people; mistakes are just that, mistakes; things you didn’t mean to have negative outcomes, but did. Pretending mistakes never have bad consquences or speak to someone’s character is immature. People’s pasts, their choices, and behaviors speak to their values and who they are, and saying that fact isn’t wrong.

Everyone makes mistakes, I am certainly no exception. If my husband turns out to be a bad dude in five years and I have to divorce him I’ll say to myself ” YIKES, THAT WAS BAD JUDGMENT! I better choose differently next time!” And if when we were dating, my husband didn’t want to accept certain mistakes that I have made in my past, that would have been his perogative; I wouldn’t have demanded to be accepted. I don’t think every single divorced man is a bad guy because I know with all my heart they are not. I just didn’t want to marry one. And I feel zero guilt about making that judgment call. 

Post # 41
Member
1066 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

It was almost 10 years ago. Cut the guy some slack and stop over thinking. I am a COMPLETELY different person than I was 10 years ago. Aren’t you?  He certainly has no obligation to publically declare that he has been divorced in the past. 

Post # 42
Member
3092 posts
Sugar bee

 

maymrswinks :  Well, if someone dated another person for two months, of course that is not wise. But I doubt that is what most people who are divorced do (at least noone that I know of).

However, I do agree that everyone has a right to his or her preferences.

Post # 43
Member
1633 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

katy85 :  Even though I commented earlier that I think the “never married” thing on the dating site would be forgivable, I think if this is the kind of thing that will never sit well with you, that’s ok, too. It’s good to set boundaries and standards when you’re dating, and it’s ok if your standards are more stringent than someone else’s. I have had more than one relationship where I ended up wishing I had listened to my instincts earlier on. If something sets off your weirdometer, heed it – especially while it’s still very early in the relationship and you’re not invested. We’re all hearing this secondhand from you, but you’re the one in a position to assess this guy’s demeanor, tone of voice, etc.

Post # 44
Member
586 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

katy85 :  I am divorced and didn’t put that on my dating profile when I was online dating, but to be fair I think I did leave it blank rather than choosing an option that was untrue. That said, if I *had* to choose an option, I probably would not have chosen “divorced” and if my only other options was “never married” I probably would have gone with that. Not only because of the stigma, but also because dating profiles are not private to the world – I work with a lot of people who are on dating sites and I don’t really think that my history of divorce many years ago is any of their business or the business of any other acquaintance in my city who happened across my profile. I also don’t think I should have to wear a “red letter D” for everyone I met on this dating site – my divorce doesn’t define me and using it as a defining attribute on a dating site feels wrong to me.

Ultimately, my decision not to include was also because I knew that the type of person who would be bothered by me leaving it off was also not the type of person who would be the right fit for me. I’m now married to an amazing man that I met on that site. I told him about my divorce on our 2nd or 3rd date and he was totally cool about it. Again, I did not put any relationship status so I had not misled and didn’t feel a need to disclose immediately, I did it when it felt right. I learned from my divorce, but it’s not a part of my life anymore – my now husband recognized that, he asked a couple of questions that day, but it honestly hasn’t come up a single time in the 4 years since that time because it’s not a burden on the mind for either of us.

If it’s something that bothers you then that’s totally fair – but then it may not be the right relationship for you regardless of whether the guy was in the right or the wrong here.

Post # 45
Member
2123 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

katy85 :  The thing is, would you have started up a conversation with him if his martial status online was divorced? My friend uses an online dating site and he has a son. He’s in his early 20s, and he gets no interest. The second we removed the fact that he has a child from his profile, the conversations started flowing. Of course he spoke of his son immediately. But the number of people who completely wrote him off initially because of his little boy that he doesn’t get to spend much time with anyway, was ridiculous.

Now I don’t condone lying, but I do understand why the guy you’re talking to was dishonest about his marital status on his dating profile. Divorce can bring about some negative connotations, and people are judgemental. That’s what he was avoiding. I don’t belive it’s a case of “what else is he lying about it?” because he told you he was divorced very early on, and he has an acceptable reason for not wanting to put divorcee on his profile, which is to avoid judgement. People should be able to divulge as much information as they choose to on their dating profiles online as they wish. The rest is to be discussed person to person.

The topic ‘Dating a divorced man – advice on this situation?’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors