Post # 17
- Wedding: May 2014 - Madison, WI
Personally, I would not. But in this case, I’d say maybe. Only because I had a friend who was seperated from her husband for 5 years before they got divorced. They always claimed they couldn’t afford the divorce. He dated other women and she dated other men. Finally when she started to get serious about a guy she pushed for the divorce and borrowed money from her parents to get it done. She now has a child with the other guy and they’re still together 6 years later.
So I know from witnessing a similar situation that if they’re really done and seperated, things could work out. For my friend her and her husband, they got married after less than a year of dating their senior year of high school No one was really surprised it didn’t work out. In your sister’s situation I would proceed with extreme caution and make sure everything he’s telling her seems to check out.
Post # 18
He’s still married. He can go back at any time. Seperated for a year and no divorce filed? Something is amiss. How can she get vengeful, I thought the laws were pretty clear. Is she sure he’s seperated? It’s only been a year, he hasn’t had time to work out what went wrong in his marriage yet, is he in counseling?
Post # 19
@MrsVMT: His reasons sound like a bunch of excuses, honestly. If it were my sister I’d tell her to run the other way and fast. He doesn’t sound like he’s ready for a serious new relationship, if nothing else.
Post # 20
I would have said no at one point of my life, but that’s before the first round of divorce happened in my friend group.
My best friend’s brother got married at 22 to a girl who evidently lied to him their entire relationship (they dated for under a year). Long story short, she was a lying manipulative witch of a woman who was cheating on him for much of their marriage.
They separated, and he started the divorce process. During this time, she got knocked up by one of her lovers (after telling him that she had changed her mind and never wanted kids). He meanwhile found his soul mate in his current wife. They struggled for a while, falling in love when he was still technically married, but she stuck by him and got him through all the legal manipulations that the witch was putting him through. They are very happy, have a dog, a house, and want kids.
Another friend fell in love with a married man. They dated for 6 years and got married at 24. He found out his wife was cheating, so he moved out, legally separated, and moved in with a friend, who was roommates with my friend. They eventually fell in love, although she tried to resist it for months on end. Meanwhil,e his wife resisted the divorce, and since they got married in a different state than where he lived, he couldn’t file without her. Years went by and he went through every avenue to end his marriage. Now he’s engaged to my friend and they live in a gorgeous house one town over.
Circumstances really are the determining factor. As long as two people fell in love after the legal separation has occurred and steps are being taken towards divorce, I no longer have a problem with it. The heart moves on faster than the courts.
Post # 21
- Wedding: December 2014 - 13th ~ TN
@MrsVMT: I didn’t vote because I read your post first. My Fiance was still married but they had filed and were just waiting the last 2 months of the 1 year seperation period required here in SC. This man sounds like he does not want to be divorced though, so I would say no to this.
Post # 23
@Nona99: I agree.
The telationship is clearly over if he’s been “separated” for a year and has his own place. He shoukdn’t have to hide under a rock until his wife decides it’s time to get the ball rolling.
HOWEVER – She may be “waiting” for him to get involved with someone else, catch him, then turn around and paint a picture of a cheating man/bad father to the judge in order to gain full custody of their son. That is exactly what a friend of mine is in the process of doing right now. I don’t agree with it but it is what it is.
Post # 25
@Rachel631: Geez I never even thought of that… that’s effed up.
Post # 26
It’s not always as black and white as “married” or “not married” though. While I’d never embark on a relationship with anyone who was recently separated (too much baggage, too great a likelihood of them going back to the marriage and certainly, they are unlikely to be emotionally detached) if someone is undoubtedly separated and has been for some while then I don’t necessarily see a problem.
Darling Husband and I were both legally married when we got together but we’d been separated from our previous spouses for some considerable time. Over here, instant divorce is far less easy and far more expensive so we both waited until the necessary years of separation had been completed before going for an uncontested divorce. Neither of us were in a terrible hurry, it has to be said because there was absolutely zero likelihood of us ever getting back with said previous spouses. If anyone had taken a snitty moral high tone about our status I would have been unimpressed!
Post # 28
@MrsVMT: I feel like overall it is morally wrong to date a man who is still married…
I’ve had friends do this, and it always bothers me, especially when the couple hasn’t even filed for a divorce yet.
Post # 29
If he’d already filed for divorce and could prove that I might consider it but I’m not sure what the rush is to date a particular man before that’s final. Why get sucked into the drama? If the connection and possibilites are real, why can’t it wait? I don’t buy that whole “the reason we haven’t filed is ’cause er um uh, what had happened was….blah blah blah” If it’s really over and he’s ready to date again…there’s really no reason to not at least file. If it’s because of his kids, he’s not ready to be in another relationship with a woman that’s not the mother of his children. If it’s because his money’s funny…every dollar he spends on something not divorce related, she’s going to question and resent.
“whatchu need chewing gum for? you’re saving for a divorce”
“why are you eating out for lunch? you’re saving for divorce”
“your old holey drawers were just fine, you’re saving for a divorce!”
Post # 30
@MrsVMT: I voted yes only because I was still legally married when I met and started dating my husband. In my case, my marriage was absolutely OVER, we had been separated and living apart for quite some time and it was only a matter of filing the paperwork to finalize the divorce.
However, in this case, the dude’s story sounds fishy to me. Even if he’s telling the truth, I think anyone contemplating becoming involved with him would be buying themselves a LOT of drama and perhaps a big bunch of bullshit.
Post # 31
The situation you described sounds like bad news all around. If your sister continues to see this guy I foresee more and more similar “Excuses” as time continues. I hope your sister comes to realize that this man doesn’t seem likely to marry her (if that’s what she’s interested in) and moves on to a more emotionally available man 🙁