(Closed) Dating a married man

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Could you date a man still legally married?
    Yes : (90 votes)
    29 %
    No : (225 votes)
    71 %
  • Post # 62
    Member
    5659 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: August 2012

    I don’t think it’s wrong to date someone who isn’t yet legally divorced, if they are actually GETTING a divorce. This guy sounds like a super lazy ass with too many excuses. 

    Post # 63
    Member
    2457 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    I dated a legally married man before Darling Husband. He had been separated from his psycho ex-wife (she really was psycho – I got to witness firsthand) for a couple of years by this time. He’s about the biggest procrastinator I’ve ever known, and he was afraid of her and what she might do when he actually filed. She raised hell for us for a few months, and eventually moved back to Thailand. (Btw, she was with someone else and had a 1 yr old baby from that guy…. poor kid). 

    He then finally filed for divorce. We were still together at the time. 

    I don’t regret it, and as far as I was concerned, he was as far away from married as could be – legally or not. He was not with that woman anymore.

    Post # 64
    Member
    841 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2015

    @MrsVMT:  I don’t think it’s wrong for moral reasons – but because I hate baggage. Also if he’s not legally separated, that’s shady. He seems like he doesn’t want to move on from his wife. I don’t think you should judge your sister for dating him, but I’d be wary if I were her.

    Post # 65
    Member
    4753 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: May 2012

    Could I do it? No, is it morally wrong? No.

    Post # 66
    Member
    117 posts
    Blushing bee

    This question is not as black and white as the poll options present, and there was a time I would have said no. I’m glad I spent the time to learn about the gray areas.

    When Fiance and I started dating he was still technically married, but they had been separated for about 6 years, he lived in CA and she lived in MI, and….

    there were divorce papers on the counter the first time I walked into his house (no way he could have planned this either…it was totally unexpected that I would need to go to his house).

    So, I asked…why has it taken you two so long to file? Money and working out insurance for the kids. Are you going to do this soon? Yes. Final paperwork was being signed by him and she had already signed. Are you a total disaster and need some space? No, it’s been 6 years and I’ve had time to really spend on myself. Awesome.

    Had it been any other way…..NO. So, again, not black and white.

    Post # 67
    Member
    8470 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2012

    What are my thoughts? He’s a jerk. 

    Post # 69
    Member
    1723 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: March 1998

    So many factors come into play in deciding whether or not I would do this. In some circumstances, yes, I would. But what bothers me here is that this guy is apparently trying to keep this hidden, waiting until his wife moves on first. I wouldn’t be comfortable with him not being open with his legal-spouse about it. If he was, and I knew myself that she knew (i.e., we had met before, etc.), I would probably be OK with it…so long as things were headed toward a legal divorce (I would date casually for a little while, then expect things in that area to be progressing before I’d get too serious).

    Sometimes, stuff happens. Case in point: my brother was ordained for free in my state, and we paid only $30 for that marriage license. Divorces can run several hundred dollars…if not more, if the divorce is complicated/messy, either because of sour relations or because divvying up assets is a toughie. Some people have that money laying around, but I know for some, it could take a year or more to save that kind of jack.

    But…for me to be serious, it would have to be moving toward a divorce, and soon.

     

    Post # 70
    Member
    560 posts
    Busy bee

    @MrsVMT:  This man should not have to live under a rock until his divorce is finalized!

    I met my SO 2 months (yes you heard me, 2 MONTHS) after his wife moved out. Their counselor suggested that they separate because the counseling was getting nowhere. His wife told him to date because she was going to be doing the same. Well, he started dating and low and behold, there I was.

    They had not even begun to think about the divorce process when we met. One month after we casually were seeing each other (as friends, no kissing, etc) he asked for the divorce. After that we entered our relationship and 8 months later it was finalized. Being in a relationship with someone who is going through a divorce is the hardest thing I have ever done, but I knew he was the one. He still tells me that the way I stood by him through the roughest times cemented in his brain that he made the right decision and that I am the one and only for him.

    I had to endure so much being the girlfriend. I HAD to be ok with him meeting up with her to talk about finances (they had split their accounts when they separated but the legality of retirements, etc were still up in the air). I HAD to be ok with her coming to the house to pick up the stuff that she got in the divorce and I had to be ok with him helping her move it because that is the type of guy he is. It was hard, but I have so much trust in him that it worked. If I had ever caused a fuss, our relationship would have been over because he NEEDED to do those things to close that chapter in his life. If she is planning on pressuring him to make it final, it just won’t work.

    Now here we are, the divorce is passed us, we are planning our wedding and having our baby soon. He always tells me he has never been happier and I feel the same. So yes, it can work out.

    A good friend of mine was also dating a man who was separated, but not divorced. He was separated for 3 years. They met and like in my situation, she was the motivation he needed to finalize it. They are still happily together as well.

    *I must note that there were no children involved in either situation*

    So, if this is what she wants, she should do it. If it is meant to be, it will work. Relationships end for so many reasons everyday. A guy could be with a gf for 6 months, start dating you and then leave you to go back to her…separation/divorce may be more serious, but if someone has truly moved on, give them a chance.

    Post # 71
    Member
    3221 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2016

    In a lot of ‘gray area’ examples here – both parties in the legal marriage know it’s for sure over and never coming back. Emotionally, the divorce is either finished or well underway.

     

    for OP’s sister’s prospective boyfriend… I’m not so sure it is at that stage yet. STB ex seems to have a lot of power she still wields, and your sister may have to deal with having the least say in her relationship. Also if this ex is going to be upset about papers filed, how is she NOT going to be even more maddened by her hubby moving on? Thirdly, does she really want to date a guy with no ability to take control of his own life?

    Post # 72
    Member
    256 posts
    Helper bee

    Not sure why people are neutral on on this thread but bashed mine

    Post # 73
    Member
    370 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2017 - Rossino Castle

    I’ve been separated from my ex husband for more than a year now,but not legally,as in no papers were signed.It wasn’t my choice,my ex is refusing so he doesn’t have to give me money.He’s in a relationship,I am in a relationship.Should my so one day comes to me and tell me “it bothers me,so please just do anything you can to get over with it as soon as possible”,I would just give in and give up all my rights on my marital rights to get the papers signed,but if he doesn’t,than I’m gonna go on until ether I get what it’s in my rights,or my ex gets tired and gives me a middle ground.

    Post # 74
    Member
    2777 posts
    Sugar bee

    If they don’t live together and have been seperated for a year then I don’t see the problem.. Divorces are long and expensive processes

    Post # 75
    Member
    9823 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2013

    Can you?  Yes, you can.  Should you?  That probably depends.

    I’d think it’s okay (not morally wrong) to date a married man if he was currently going through a divorce (divorce in process).  I’m not sure I’d be happy dating someone who was separated but not getting divorced yet, but at that point their marriage is clearly over (if he’s living on his own) so I don’t think it’s morally wrong.  I don’t think I’d be happy dating someone who was separated but had no plans of divorcing any time soon but I wouldn’t judge someone else if they wanted to do it.

    Post # 76
    Member
    472 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: March 2014

    I did date a still-legally-married man before my fiance.

    We lived at that time in a state that required a full year of legal seperation before divorce, she was the one who initiated the proceedings because she had fallen for someone else, they had already initiated the seperation and she had moved out before I ever met him, and I had independent confirmation of all this before I got involved with him.

    I think it is particularly cruel in the case of people whose spouses leave them for someone else to insist that they are chained by the legal contract of a marriage which is emotionally and functionally over for a full year alone before they can even begin to find anyone else.

    He died before the divorce was finalized. He was a wonderful man and I am so glad I had the time with him I did, and that I didn’t put off getting involved with him till later. Because there was no later. 

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