Dating a seperated guy

posted 1 year ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
3735 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

Since you saw the text exchange between him and his wife regarding the divorce, I think it’s safe to say he’s not playing you. But this bullsh*t about waiting for his wife to file has got to stop. They each need their own lawyer (or can use the same one, my ex and I did). They have been separated long enough that it’s really just a matter of having a separation agreement drawn up and then divorce papers completed. It’s really not that complicated if these 2 people actually want a divorce. I would tell him that within the month, he needs to have a separation agreement drawn up (it just has to state what they are each taking from the marriage, which they probably already have figures out since it’s been 4 years) and file a petition for divorce. If that doesnt happen, I would consider moving out. He needs to take responsibility and do what needs to be done!

Post # 17
Member
10664 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

nehs :  

Separatd for four years is ridiculous.  And in all of that time, neither of them bothered to get around to filing?  Billionaires get divorced in far less time.

There is just no logical reason as to why neither of them have filed yet.  And now he refuses to file because it might ‘piss her off’?  Bee, this makes no sense.  If she was just willing to go file herself, why would she be bothered if he does it instead?

Something does not add up here, Bee.

Post # 18
Member
2497 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

nehs :  My husband separated from his ex about 2 years before we met. We dated for 3 years before I finally realized that I deserved more. So I left him and said “I can’t continue dating someone who is still legally married for no good reason; marriage is a priority for me.” I did not give him an ultimatum. I simply left because I valued myself and didn’t want to waste time waiting for him to figure his stuff out. 

We were apart for 4 months (no contact); he filed for divorce, told his kids that he was “interested in dating someone new”, told his family, etc. He called me and asked if we could meet and talk in person. I said yes. And we’ve been together ever since. Married for 6 years now. 

Leave. Now. Don’t call, email, text, see, him. His actions will let you know if he values your relationship like you do. Or if you’re just his side-piece. Good luck bee. 

Post # 19
Member
2433 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: NJ

Back in the 1980’s, I dated a guy who started out telling me it was all over, he was fully divorced. Then a few months later he confessed he was separated but not in the process of divorce. 

A few months after that, he said the divorce was not started, but he was seeing a lawyer, and he was filing and she was going to be served. Later he said that had happened, and she was served. 

So then, for the grand finale, I go to his place and he looks like he is going to cry, and hands me some papers. I read them, and they are divorce papers that have just been served on HIM, by his wife, who started a divorce so she could marry her boyfriend. I said to this guy, “I thought you said YOU had HER served awhile ago?” 

He just looked at me with a mopey face, looking like a big dog who had just crapped on the rug. The relationship didn’t last much longer.

That is the worst case scenario. He never wanted a divorce.

 

Post # 20
Member
512 posts
Busy bee

I actually was on the other end of this. I was separated from my husband but still legally married because I just didn’t have the money for my part of it – we split the fees in half and I was living paycheck to paycheck so it just didn’t happen for a while. I met my current SO and at first it was an issue with him, but I proved to him my husband and I were really over, it was just taking some time to actually file.

I filed this year after receiving my tax return and now am waiting on my divorce certificate from the judge.

You’ve seen texts of them discussing the divorce. You know it’s happening. But what you don’t want to do is pressure this man into a serious committment or marriage with you when he could not be ready. You don’t know his timeline. You don’t have any say in his divorce process, unfortunately. All you have a say in is your own life. If you feel as though you can’t continue the relationship because he is dragging his feet on the divorce, not because its taking a while because that’s the process, then that’s one thing. But dating someone who is separated who is actively seeking divorce is fine. You just have to determine is he actually dragging his feet or not. That will tell you what to do.

Post # 21
Member
10664 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

nehs :  

Where does Separated Guy stay when he goes home, allegedly to visit the kids?

Post # 22
Member
250 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

I’m sneakily reading this thread at work, in a tiny window, so maybe I’m missing something, but I’m not seeing where the OP says she saw a text btwn the husband & wife talking about the divorce…?

Post # 23
Member
9670 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

Nope to this. He wasn’t honest from the start. Waiting until a year in to let you know he’s still married is not okay. I would be walking away from this. I would be hesitant to date someone who wasn’t divorced yet (especially since he hasn’t even filed yet) but the fact that he wasn’t upfront about the situation from the very beginning is absolutely a dealbreaker. 

ETA: I’ve also had a few friends date separated men and it didn’t end well for any of them. 

Post # 24
Member
1210 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

I started dating my SO when he was separated, and I was, as well. The difference is that his divorce papers were signed and a court date had been set (mine took a little longer so I filed 3 months later). He told me up front he was separated, he and his soon-to-be-ex lived separately, and had shared custody of their children. We’ve been together for two years now, so it can and does sometimes work out.

However, I don’t think I would exclusively date someone who hadn’t at least filed the papers and set a court date to finalize the divorce. Especially if he was acting as shady as your guy is. Yes divorces can take a long time, but 4 years seems excessive, especially when it’s only being dragged on because he refuses to take some initiative. I’d leave, bee.

Post # 25
Member
1296 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

I was separated for 7 years before filing. I was a single mom with no financial help and my ex refused to pay for any of it. It happens. But there’s ways to get it done if he wants it bad enough. 

Post # 26
Member
4811 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

What debts do the have to settle? I would ask him how much $ they have in debts. That would worry me.

Post # 27
Member
235 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2023

Charliejeorge :  actually yes it can be that complicated I’ve bed trying to get divorced for two years now and it hasn’t been contested. It can still take that long.  

Post # 28
Member
1105 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

First of all, a text doesn’t prove shit. You don’t know this woman’s number. 

You’re the mistress. He is traveling back and forth staying for weeks, it sounds like he is going on vacations with her?, he isn’t divorced, and he isn’t getting divorced. 

The two most suspicious things on your end are that you knew about this a month in and – they tried to work it out 3 years ago, they’ve been “separated” for 4, and you’ve been “together” for 1. So… you got together just as they were trying to work it out? 

Post # 29
Member
31 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2016

impatient1 :  OP said her bf tried to work it out with his wife 3 years ago and they’ve (OP and bf) been together for one year. So OP and her bf got together 2 years AFTER bf tried to work out his marriage.

OP, how much debt needed to get settled before the divorce?

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