Dating a Trust Fund Baby

posted 3 months ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
4498 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

Would he be willing to use his trust money for some sort of job training/.education?

Post # 3
Member
3093 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

I think I would have a hard time with that. Is he actively looking but unwilling to settle for anything less than the *right* opportunity? If he is driven and has a vision for what he wants and won’t settle for less, I think I could respect that and not fault him for taking advantage of the fact that he has the freedom and flexibility to be pick about his career. But if he just doesn’t give a shit and is perfectly content living off the trust fund and coasting through life, I would have a hard time being with someone like that. 

Post # 4
Member
3721 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

I think compatibility in regards to personal goals and ambition are incredibly important. I wouldn’t care about someone having a trust fund to live off of as long as they show ambition and drive for SOMETHING. 

Post # 5
Member
306 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2020 - City, State

Not sure how long he was roofing, but that’s hard work, so for someone to roof who doesn’t have to – that says something. That said, I’d be a little wary if he’s not using his time wisely for extended periods of time. One of my best friends had a very hefty trust fund that kicked in at 18, and by the time she was 30, she had not accomplished a darn thing, and by the time she was 40, stupidity with the money and a rough divorce left her penniless. 

Post # 6
Member
617 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018 - City, State

My GMIL always said, “A swift wind, and all your money flies away (Um vento rápido e todo dinheiro voa).” Basically: it comes and it goes without you realizing it. Bear in mind that if he’s working low-income jobs and taking long breaks between them without any particular career target, his trust fund won’t last forever. I’m not a rich person myself (I grew up poor af but now have an advanced degree and a comfortably-paying job) but I’ve known folks who come from money; they usually manage it carefully and treat it as “extra” (retirement, put it towards down payments, shit like that) rather than using it to fund their lives indefinitely. I wouldn’t focus on whether he’s a “trust fund baby” but I would personally be concerned if he demonstrates a lack of ambition. It’s unclear from your post if he has a specific life direction in mind or great spending habits – which aren’t a big deal now, but in a while when his “not huge” trust is gone, will mean you have a leech who’s used to a higher standard of living to support. This isn’t guaranteed, but it’s a risk.

But you know him better than we do, of course. Does this sound like it rings true? Are you worried about his general relationship with money? Or is it just the existence of the fund that bothers you?

Post # 8
Member
210 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

I would have a hard time being with someone who didn’t really have drive or ambition. At some point the trust fund will likely run out and he may look to you to support him . Also just make sure he is not taking advantage of you/scamming you…be suspicious if he starts to ask you to pay the majority of things or asks you for big loans to fund his dream project/business, etc.

Post # 10
Member
617 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018 - City, State

I have been patient with the job thing becuase he has some abandonment issues with his dad,

Wait, what? How does — I mean — I don’t see —

huh?

If he’s so deep in a mental health episode that his “abandonment issues” are preventing him from applying for jobs, he needs a psychiatrist, not a girlfriend. I don’t say that to be snarky, I’m being real with you. He needs higher level supports to help him crawl out of that hole before he’s completely non-functioning. Otherwise, that sounds like an excuse. “A handful” of jobs in 6 months? Dude needs some hustle. If your parents judge him for not having a career, they’re being snobs and that’s not fine. If they say “We are cool with him being a roofer, manual labor is incredibly valuable but underpaid work, BUT we are worried that he quit and has been kind of drifting through life ever since,” then they have a point. I, personally, would not be happy in a relationship with someone who didn’t have a strong drive to do SOMETHING. If he can afford to never work a day in his life but he’s passionate about volunteering/scholarships/the arts/whatever, that’s cool. If he needs a job to fill the gaps like most people but is content with an honest day’s hardwork instead of a fancy academic job, that’s also very cool. Do you want to be along for the ride, though, if he’s half-assing it just because he can? Or, maybe it’s a more positive thing where you are both hoping he can be a stay-at-home parent to do the home upkeep and childrearing? (Is that what you want out of anyone, not just him?) What do you value in a partner, and is he moving in a direction to fill that?

When I describe my upbringing as “poor af,” I’m saying I had one actively abusive parent and one whose addiction left them waltzing in and out of my life, high as a kite, until I cut both parents off permanently. Paid for my own life and education at an early age. I haven’t always been employed, but even when I wasn’t, I was applying to a minimum of five job a day. Daddy issues or no, I gotta eat/pay rent. I don’t imagine I’m alone in this … I think most people would be able to both grieve their parents’ divorce while also working. If he can’t, he has the money for a really, really good therapist.

Post # 12
Member
617 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018 - City, State

CapitolBee :  Gotcha. I feel compassion for that. It can’t be easy to walk through life feeling like you’re the black sheep of a powerful family. At the same time, it seems like while he could be working on exploring what is important to him/what strikes his passions, he’s content just kind of … frittering away time and money with kids who want to party? Which doesn’t make him bad or evil or worthless. It does, however, speak to a need for some more growing up. I’m glad he’s in therapy and taking it seriously. At the same time, I think it’s shitty of him to not recognize that so many people in his life (case in point: YOU!!) don’t have the privilege to live that way. It’s shitty that he gives you a hard time for not having the energy to party with his fancy friends after giving your all full-time and supporting yourself. You’re 6 months in: I wonder how much longer you’re going to put up with it …

Post # 14
Member
3526 posts
Sugar bee

Apparently his abandonment issues don’t prevent him from playing with toys. I doubt that they’re the cause of his failure to find a job.

As long as he finds something meaningful to do with his time, whether it be on a roof or in an office I don’t think it matters. In his situation he could become very involved in volunteer work. If your family is well educated then presumably they’ll know not to judge someone by their occupation or lack of one. And if they’re smart they’ll realize that money confers certain freedoms, fair or not.

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