Dating after Separation- Can he really be the one?

posted 5 years ago in Encore
Post # 3
6123 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

@Tatertot2003: How long is “a while?”




I actually met my husband 3 months after I separated from my ex.  I kicked the ex out, but I was so far gone already emotionally that 3 months seemed plenty of time before I started dating.  Everyone is at a different emotional stage when they leave a relationship.  I guess I went through the greiving process (if you can even call it that), as I did not have any issues with the divorce process.




After being separated 1 month, I dated a few guys – just one time dates.  Each one had something I did not like right off the bat.  There was one emotional oneline thing in there but it could never be more than what is was, so I ended that.  Then I met my H.  I knew of him through mutual friends.




After he wanted to date me exclusively (this is at month 4 of my single hood, month 1 of us hanging out), I told him to hold on and I got my divorce finalized.  I was just delaying the inevitable because I know the divorce would get sticky, but I got it done ASAP when he wanted to date just me.  He said if I wanted to date around longer, that he would totally understand but he would bow out gracefully.  I sensed something really good about him so we agreed to be exclusive.




I had a roommate tell me – “not the first one out of the gate!” as well.  I don’t think he truly was, yes maybe my first full relationship not just dates.  But we dated and lived apart for 3 years before we got engaged, and then I moved in.  He had everything I wanted.  I checked myself several times to be sure it wasnt becuase my ex was just that bad!  LOL  No, he really was that great and he still is!




to me, I think if you’re going to date for 3 years first, you pretty much know if you’re in the “first one out of the gate” category because your mind would start to wander, or say hmm, or you truly have someone who is a great match for you and you love them.




So basically let time tell and do not rush anything!  Date at least 2-3 years and live separately.  More for his sake, not yours.


Post # 4
342 posts
Helper bee

I’m marrying the first person I dated after my divorce…but it took me 4years to begin dating, so, not really the same.

Post # 5
76 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

I’m the first person FH started dating after his divorce and he is the first person I dated after mine… Difference being he waited 3.5 years and I waited 4 months.  There is no doubt in either of our minds that this is the real thing- and I’m a big believer in the “when you know, you know” philosophy.

Post # 6
751 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Only time will tell.

Post # 7
2490 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

I truly believe “once you know, you know” and so I don’t think it matters if he was the first one or if you didn’t wait too long. If you’re ready then you’re ready, there’s no time frame on it.

I know for me, the grieving period from my marriage seemed short to a lot of people, but what most people don’t know is that my marriage was over in my head and heart long before the papers were filed so I had already moved on before I even moved out.

Good luck!

Post # 8
2474 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Im in a similar position….we met very quickly after my engagement ended (not married) and I thought people may have had an eyebrow raised …or 2.

We were both just out of serious relationships and neither wanted anything serious, but it just naturally grew into the best thing we have both ever had. We’ve been together 3 years now and are getting married in a few months. 

I know some people have notions of “oh well that was fast” when you break up and find someone new asap…but when its right its right…and to me it was just a sign of how WRONG my ex was for me. 

Post # 9
1123 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I left my XH a few years ago. 4 days after I left I met my now husband. About 3 weeks after I left XH, my husband and I started dating. We took things slowly though. The “I love you” didn’t come until 3 months in. We moved in at 6 months but only for financial reasons. We got engaged at 2.5 years and married at 3.5 years.

No one ever said anything about “rebound” and we’re in our mid 20s. I did have plans to leave my ex for about 2 years before I actually left so I’m certain of no “rebound” thing. Plus no one can deny how perfect we are together.

I don’t think it’s doomed at all because you’re his first relationship after his ex, I do think you should take things slow, let the “honeymoon” phase wear away first and be sure you are still great together. At 3 months him saying he wanted to marry you is what concerns me. It seems like he might want a *wife* instead of wanting you as his wife. Of course he wants you but him wanting to rush that fast says to me he’s desperate for a wife more than he’s desperate for you specifically.

Post # 10
1 posts

ashelaine : 4 laters later, still know because you know? How’s the marriage going?

Post # 11
815 posts
Busy bee

I am not with the first person I met after getting divorced. I was head over heals in love with the guy I first started dating after my ex. However, looking back, I don’t think that it was ever really him I was in love with. He was who/what helped me get through what would’ve been a horrible & lonely year. I’m beyond thankful for that relationship bc it was my crutch that made me strong enough to power through the situation but looking back now, he wasn’t the one for me. You couldn’t have told me that at the time though bc I loved him so much (or at least I thought I did) 

Post # 12
9230 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

Tatertot2003 :  

Yup.  I met my now dh shortly after filing for divorce from my abusive exh.  He knew my situation and took things slowly.  We became great friends, he wooed me with an old fashioned courtship for eight months before we crossed the friendship barrier.

Whether we had remained just friends or gone on to more, he would have just been a good person to have in my life.

Post # 14
164 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

Haha this is amazing. Congratulations!

Post # 15
1550 posts
Bumble bee

Ooh, I love threads like this! I, like other posters, knew my marriage was done well before I left. I actually started talking to SO before I made the official leap, and that was a year ago now. We’re still happy as clams and everyday gets better. My state required me to wait at least 6 months before filing for divorce and after that and some feet dragging, I’m finally in the homestretch to complete my divorce. SO has been engaged once before, but never married, and has a DS who will be 7; so it’s not his first serious relationship. We both know that this is the best we’ve both ever had, and we’ve been through enough crap that we know what’s worth fighting for. I’m looking forward to many more years together.

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