Post # 1
Hey Waiting Bees!
This is my first post and I just thought I’d share my story and see if there is anyone else out there like me, who would like to vent, or just offer some Waiting Bee advice!
It will be 7 years in May since my boyfriend and I started dating. I was turning 17 and he was turning 18, and we decided after about a year that we knew the other person was the one.
We decided (for some reason??) to go to different schools for our undergraduate degrees. We survived 4 years living 2 hours apart, and then went and lived in Asia together for a year.
We are now both doing our Masters, living together, sharing a bank account, we have a cat and we have a car and apartment in both of our names. Really…there’s only one thing left to do!
He has told me that it is “coming up” and that everytime I bring up the topic of engagement, that I am ruining the surprise, so I have tried to back away because I know he’s going to do it, but it is so difficult!
I know this is completely wrong, but I find it very difficult now to watch others get engaged or moving forward because I feel as though I have been waiting for so long and sometimes it feels unfair. I am tired of feeling so impatient and I am so glad that I found this website where I can share this impatience with others around me!
Any thoughts, fellow venters, or advice would be MORE than appreciated! 🙂
Thank you! 🙂
Post # 3
My only advice is that life is not a race. No one is moving ahead of you. Move at your own pace and do what’s best for you on your schedule. As we say in yacht racing, “sail your own best race” which means do the best you can with your conditions and pay no attention to what everyone else is doing because the wind, boat, sails and crew (variables) are different for them than the same variables are for you so you can’t compare.
Post # 4
I have sometimes felt that way over the course of my rather long engagement. FH proposed in September 2010 and we aren’t getting married until March 2014. There were lots of times when I got so annoyed and frustrated watching everyone around me getting engaged after me and married before me. I hated it. It drove me nuts, but then I realized that I am not in competition with anyone. This is our life and we did things the way we did so they would work out for us, not someone else.
My best advice is just to not let the waiting consume you. If you busy yourself with other things, then the time goes by faster and you’ll be engaged before you know it. That’s what happened to me. The second I started being busy, the years flew by, and now I’m getting married next year. And believe me, I thought this was the least helpful advice ever, because I came on the Bee and vented about my waiting too, but it’s so true.
Post # 5
@stephanie1989: I agree with PPs that life is not a race, and I love one of the PP’s post about how life is like sailing (So true!). However, to make you feel better, think of it this way. You have already survived an LDR, moving a long distance (I’m assuming you moved to Asia from the US?), share a bank account, share animal care responsibility, and share an apartment and car. Even though you are not married, you are already experiencing things married couples experience and have a better idea if you are compatible in the money, dependent care, and lifestyle departments. A couple that hasn’t been together as long as you have and gets engaged may not get a chance to do all this to check compatibility before they get married. You have the luxury of doing so. Thus, when your SO pops the question, you should feel more confident in your decision to say “Yes.”
Post # 6
Thank you so much! All three of you! I am absolutely in awe of all of the support on this forum already!
@SeaSalt – I love the analogy…and you are right. There are many different variables in our relationship compared to others, and it is important to remember that and to focus on ourselves. Your advice was very helpful! 🙂
@SouthernGirl – Congratulations! I hope you are excited about your wedding being a year away. It is so nice to feel understood about my feelings about watching others start and finish before you…but you made it through by keeping busy and that’s what I intend to do! 🙂
@HelloKitty615 – I absolutely love the way you framed that. Not that I feel that we are superior in any way, which I know you weren’t getting at. However, it helped me to find the strengths and positive attributes in building up our relationship as much as we have before getting engaged, and making me feel good about our long history instead of frustrated by it. 🙂
To answer your question about Asia…we moved there to Teach English for a year, but we are both from here :).
THANK YOU AGAIN TO ALL OF YOU FOR TAKING THE TIME TO ANSWER MY POST, AND FOR ALL OF YOUR THOUGHTFUL ADVICE. IT REALLY MEANS A LOT TO ME. 🙂
Post # 7
Darling Husband and I dated for over seven years before getting engaged. During that time I saw friends meet, marry, some divorce, some remarry. There were the “why are you not married” and the questions about our relationship.
Be happy for your friends. It’s not a race or a comparison. A race would imply the same starting point or the same destination. They are traveling their own path just as you are traveling yours. Don’t let the questions or uncertainty eat at you. You are building a foundation for your life together and it’s no one else’s business how you set those foundation blocks.
Post # 8
- Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA
@stephanie1989: Hey girl, I know how you feel – we started dating when I was 17, also went to different colleges (on opposite coasts – oh and studied abroad on separate continents!), and were together for 12 years before we got engaged! However, I didn’t particularly want to get engaged/married until recently – I knew that what we had was the real deal and we’d be together forever regardless of legal status.
It can be hard when you get together so young and it’s been a long time already, but remember that your guy is only 24 or 25. He’s still a baby man! For some men, it’s really hard to be comfortable with the idea of marrige before their career is stable and they feel like they can be the “head of a household”, even if that doesn’t actually apply. Even when for all practicalities, you’re already married. It’s nothing to do with you, and it has nothing to do with the pace your friends are moving at.
The good news is, you guys are on the same page and he says it’s coming. Just hang tight and remember that your relationship is way more than your legal status. (Plus, when you DO get married, your friends and family are going to be PSYCHED! Trust me.) xoxo
Post # 9
The advice on here is awesome. I feel very similar to you. I’m almost at 6 years with SO and feeling the itch sooooo bad! My friends are getting engaged/married and out of my friend, we’ve waited the longest. It makes me feel like something is wrong with me/him/us.
It get extremely frusterating. That’s why I love this site though! I can get it off my chest and know others are going through the same thing
Post # 10
@memo: There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with you, him, or your relationship. Who knows, maybe you’ll get engaged tomorrow! Maybe he is saving for the ring, or waiting for the right moment.
It’ll all be okay. Smile!
Post # 11
@stephanie1989: I am sure he is waiting for the right moment. Don’t worry, things will fall into place.
Post # 12
@luxed: awww thanks 🙂 that definitely put a smile on my face
Post # 13
My best advice is just to not let the waiting consume you. If you busy yourself with other things, then the time goes by faster and you’ll be engaged before you know it.
Post # 14
@stephanie1989: Yes I know how you feel! 6 years here and no real idea when it will come. We too got together when I was 17 and he was 19. He is done with school (has his masters) and I am back in school for nursing and have another 2 years left.
When will we get engaged? I have no idea and never got an answer other than “after we get a house” (which he plans to do this year.) When will we get married? Probably not until after I am done with school.
Waiting really used to upset me, ESPECIALLY because we have been going to more and more weddings. It’s like “okay these people have been together for 2 years and are getting married, we’ve been together for 6, HELLO?!?!” but then I realize everyones situation is different. They are mostly older too. It will come soon for you though! Don’t nag or ask him constantly about it. It will happen when you don’t expect it and it will be a surprise (which seems what your SO wants!)
Post # 15
I was the same as you! Was with my then-boyfriend for 3 years before he proposed and that’s because I kept asking him about it… we never ended up getting married..
then with my fiancé, at the 2 year mark he proposed. Not the same waiting time as you but still I have some experience in the waiting department 🙂 It sucks!!!!! You can always make bets with yourself that you will not dwell on it until a certain future time point (I told myself that if FH did not propose at the 3 year mark I would have a big talk with him).
But I’m a little crazy 🙂
Post # 16
We started dating when we were 15. Later we did long distance in the beginning of college before he transferred to be closer to me. FINALLY he proposed after dating for 10 years, but honestly I was fine with that. I didn’t want to get engaged while in college and he decided to wait until we both had stable jobs, which is understandable. I do feel it got pushed back a little due to taking a few extravagant vacations to Europe and Hawaii though, but thats okay 🙂
I felt like everyone around me was getting engaged, but honestly they hadn’t been together nearly as long and some of them have already separated. I think being together this long, especially enduring long distance time periods, is a testament to the strength of the relationship. We also have had a long engagement and by the time we get married this October we will have been together for 12 years! Its kind of a joke in my family that Fiance and I have been together longer than my parents (mom & stepdad). They had a bit of a whirlwind romance and got married after being together for only 6 months!! Honestly I’d take the long, growing romance over something impulsive like so many marriages these days. If your boyfriend never brought up marriage then I would maybe question it, but it sounds like he does have intentions of marrying you so just give him some time.