Post # 1
(sorry I’m not sure what happened to my original post so am reposting)
Recently single here. I had a friend of a friend reach out to me in December 2019 expressing he was interested in dating me. I met him several years ago at my friend’s house, he was her roommate. I remember him because he was so handsome and we hit it off, but at the time I had a boyfriend so just left it at that. Fast fwd 3 years later… here we are.
When I met him for coffee in December, I was on my way out of another relationship. I told him I was interested in dating to find a husband and build a family. I’m 32 and family is really important to me and I wanted to make sure I was going to be seeing someone who was likeminded. He was on the same page.
This guy lives in SF. I live in Boston. I ended my most recent relationship in Feb and gave this guy a green light so we have been talking. He was planning on visiting me but corona… so we have been Facetiming few times a week and just had a skype date where we watched a movie together. We talk for hours and I am really liking him. He’s talking to his current company, Google, for any openings for me to step into so we can be close location wise.
My thing is this — I have no idea how to take any of this, because I’ve always been a one man person. There hasn’tbeen talks of exclusivity. I don’t like dating multiple men and this period of uncertainty of what are we and how come I don’t get phone calls or texts every day like I would do in a relationship is leaving me with a little bit of anxiety.
Is this normal? What is your recommendation here?
Post # 2
can you just ask him if you’re exclusive?
Post # 4
- Wedding: May 2020 - Clarksville, VA
I mean he’s trying to get you a job with his employer. That sounds like he’s looking at a future with you to some degree. But I’m a bit concerned by the fact that you started all this while still dating someone else. Maybe take it slow?
Post # 5
There are plenty of people to date where you are. I and my now husband both worked in the Boston area and found each other on bumble when I was 33 and now at 35 we are married and pregnant. I’m saying this because I want you to keep in mind that while long distance relationships can work, don’t sell yourself short. Just like any other dating situation keep your eye on the prize that you want to be married and an eye out for red flags. Because there are so many people to date in our area. I dated a few really good guys before I met my husband that I met on the app that just weren’t a perfect fit for me but they would be great for someone else.
And for a few Boston app tips, think of expanding your range a bit because a ton of great guys work outside of Boston near Woburn and if your range is only Boston city, you’ll miss them. My husband and I matched only because he came into the city for fun one weekend and then was in my range. My husbands coworker also our same age met in Boston and they used Tinder. My coworker who lives in Cambridge met her fiancé a year after me also on bumble.
– edited to add, I’m from the Bay Area aka SF. I HAVE moved across the country for a job not a man. And let me tell you it’s a lot. A lot of money, effort, and it’s a completely different lifestyle.
Post # 6
Oh and I just re- read your post. NEVER and I mean never move across the country for a maybe dating situation. That’s insane. I wouldn’t move to another city without being engaged much less across the country. Please don’t fall for that trap. He is so serious about you, he is welcome to move. You? Not without a ring and a real relationship.
And him wanting you to move this soon that far? Red flag. What he can’t find women to date where he is? And if you are even considering moving this soon for a maybe than that is also a big red flag for you and your sense of self worth. You should be well aware it’s way too soon for that talk and it should be a turn off not a turn on.
Post # 7
If you just ended your last relationship in February and it’s only March now, that seems very sudden to already be considering moving across the country for another guy.
Post # 8
I think when a guy is really into you, he’s going to be in more contact. The texts or calls daily. He can’t wait to hear from you. But also, there’s the distance. It can be hard. Guards are up. Even though he said he’d get you a job. Relocating is huge. I know the virus is definitely in the way. But you should probably wait until you two can meet up again before making any job moves. And just express to him you’d love to hear from him more.
Post # 9
I would just ask. I know you are concerned about the lack of daily phone calls or texts but this is just some guys style, it doesn’t necessarily mean anything.
srsly, just ask, especially if your thinking of moving. He may not have even thought it was necessary to tell you and just assumed that you would be exclusive if your serious enough to move for him and he’s trying to get you a job.
Post # 10
I mean, you’ve met this guy in person as friends all of a couple of times or thereabouts.
1. Sorry but you haven’t even started a real relationship. You may know him but you don’t truly know him.
2. Coronavirus makes a plan of moving anywhere anytime soon to be unrealistic.
3. It would be insane to move for him even if we weren’t in a world-wide pandemic with no certain end date.
4. It would not be in your best interest to be exclusive at this early date in my opinion. To say it’s premature is an understatement.
Post # 11
I have a friend who basically arranged her own marriage in her 30s. She got out of a previous relationship (that was going nowhere) and met her husband online. They met in person and both agreed that they were interested in dating for marriage and that they would give themselves a certain amount of time to get to know each other with the intention of getting married if they both felt good about it. They’ve now been married for 6/7 years now and have two children and travel and seem very happy.
So, I think it’s great that you let this guy know right away that you are only interested in something that is moving toward marriage. That said, you’ve been single for all of 5 minutes and you still don’t know where things are headed with him. Unless you were already looking to move to SF/ Bay Area or you have friends/family there other than him, planning a cross country move for something you aren’t certain about is a terrible idea. And if you aren’t able to have a clarifying conversation about expectations, you definitely aren’t ready to move across the country in the hopes of maybe making something out of this.
Talking every day isn’t necessarily a requirement, imo, but clarity most definitely is and if he’s not heading in the direction you said you want to be (or if he’s thinking he can string you along while he decides whether or not he wants to pick you), it’s best to know that now, before you find yourself up a creek, in a new state with someone who never promised you anything because you never made clear that you weren’t joking or blowing smoke when you said that was a requirement for you.
Post # 12
Is exclusivity really premature at this stage tho? I mean he’s trying to get her a job near him and she’s willing to move for him, if that did happen, at that point is it really appropriate to be dating other people on the side and telling your new partner they had no right to know if your sleeping with other people?
People have different thoughts regarding this that’s for sure, but for many people who primarily date with a long term relationship (possibly marriage) in mind, exclusivity is usually assumed once your “a couple”, that could be after a month or so, not much time at all really. There’s a lot of people (myself included) who think this way.
Post # 13
If you’re 32 and wanting to get married sooner rather than later then don’t tie yourself to the first man that shows any interest in you. Dating around, getting to know different people is the best option. Unfortunately with everything that is going on right now it’s not the best time to look for love.
Post # 14
Brideordie : “Is exclusivity really premature at this stage tho?”
Yes. At least in my world it would be. They haven’t even gone out on a real first date or spent real time together as a couple. OP should keep her options open.
Post # 15
Well when I say “this stage” what I mean is if she does move to his city and he can find her a job. Yes the relationship would be new and still very much in the trial stage, but after doing all that it would be a little weird imo if both continued to date and sleep with other people. I mean, you can still be unsure and in the early stage of a relationship and be exclusive. Exclusive to me (and I think many others) doesn’t equal a life long commitment, it just means a “ real couple” who is trying/trialing a future together. I can’t imagine doing that while continuing to see other men. Just my opinion/feelings.