Dating and exclusivity?

posted 2 months ago in Relationships
Post # 31
Member
246 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2020

Of course it isn’t crazy to move across the country for a husband, but this guy is not your husband. Pretty far from it. You’ve been dating him online since last month, and you’re not even sure if it’s an exclusive relationship. You’re wanting to date someone with the intention of marriage, and you seem to jumping straight from that point to treating a man you’re in a maybe relationship with as your future husband. You don’t know him well enough to decide if he’s the one for you, let alone move to be with him.

There’s nothing wrong with taking a step back and seeing how this goes. There’s also the option of dating in your area if you want things to progress toward marriage without a significant distance barrier. If you’re not exclusive yet, dating others is still fine. You may find someone perfect for you right where you are.

Post # 32
Member
1815 posts
Buzzing bee

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krm1984 :  
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mrsssb :  +1000

This is insane OP.

It sounds like you jump from relationship to relationship with the next one waiting in the wings before you even leave the previous relationship because you can’t be alone. 

It would be completely reckless, irresponsible and downright stupid to relocate for a guy you barely know. That is so incredibly desperate. 
 
It is a huge red flag that he’s already talking about you moving to him for his convenience while you don’t even know if you’re exclusive. That is fucked up.

You don’t have time to screw around with faux relationships if you want a family, OP. At least ask the guy where you stand if you insist on continuing the FaceTime chats 

I think you definitely need to stop putting all your eggs in this basket and keep looking around you for local men.

Keep your options open- now is not the time to be making crazy concessions for strangers, OK?

Post # 33
Member
189 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2020

I always get relationship anxiety, so I feel you on so many levels. Its okay to ask if you guys are exclusive, especially if you guys are talking about moving. It comes across as confident when you ask, so never feel bad doing so!

Also, because sometimes, its good to hear: 32 is still young. Don’t feel took much dating pressure because I think that can cause some dating anxiety. My momma met the love of her life at 32, married him at 34, and had me at 36. My friend got married at 36 and had her first baby at 38 and her second at 40.

Post # 34
Member
11381 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

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mrsssb :  

Amen.  You saved me a lot of typing.

Guys say it because 97.9% of the time, it works.

Sometimes they even mean it.  Women are too eager to leap to the conclusion that he means marrying *them*.  

What a guy says about your future together during Hot Pursuit or the Honeymoon Phase is meaningless unless and until it’s backed up with serious action later.

 

Post # 35
Member
11381 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

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neverbeenstungbee :  

To which I would only add that OP would do well to start cultivating interests other than relationships.

To attract a happy, healthy well adjusted partner requires *being* a happy, healthy, well adjusted partner who can manage life on her own.

Independence in a woman is catnip to the highest quality men. 

 

Post # 36
Member
1497 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

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sassy411 :  I once heard it described really well. Some men will love bomb and escalate the relationship as fast as the woman will allow. But see the second the woman goes along with that rapid crazy pace the man looses interest. Why? Because a woman of any value would not just go along with a pace that fast. She would respond to that by keeping the pace at HER comfort level, a nice normal pace. When a woman goes, yes! Let’s do ALL of that! To the man going too fast she is showing her hand as a low value woman. 

i experienced this first hand. I dated a guy who right off the bat from matching on a dating app would text me all day every day. He set me up to feel like our first date was our 5th because by the time we had our first date we had been talking like a full on relationship for weeks. On our 3rd date he was dropping me back off at home and he looked at me and said, ” I’d love to see you as often as I possibly can” I was so flattered that I instantly said, “how about Wednesday?” I instantly saw the expression on his face change. I knew in that moment that to him I had just proved how insecure and desperate I was. He lost interest over the next 2 weeks. 

 

It was such a good lesson for me to learn and it was so clear what had happened. I took a break from dating at that time and really worked on myself to be a confident catch of a woman who wouldn’t ever fall for that again. When I went back into dating 5 months later I met my now husband and I went at a nuce and steady pace. I knew not to chase him and it just felt natural. 

Post # 37
Member
783 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2005

Im more concerned about the fact that you started talking to this guy before you ended your previously relationship. Does this guy know you ended a relationship to be with him? Its a valid question and here is why.

Me personally, if I was a single person and I found out someone I was interested in was in a relationship, that is a hard no for me. I dont get in the middle of people’s relationships, Im not gonna be a side chick, and if he does know that he was a side dude while you were still in your last relationship, what does that say about him and you? 

You class your past relationship as one where it went on too long and you only managed to extricate yourself from it in February, except you started talking to new guy in December. Lets call it what it is, you were cheating, at the very least emotional affair, with new guy.

Does he know he was the side dude while you were still in another relationship and what does that say about you? 

Hey I get it, relationships that are on their dying legs suck, but you definitely dont start a new relationship until you end your last one and learn the valuable lessons that all bad relationships teach us. 

You just skipped right from one, wait you didnt even skip from one relationship to the next, you overlapped them, and now here you are asking is it to soon for exclusivity. You dont really know this guy and he fed you some pretty lines and you are already asking if you should be exclusive.

Does he know you werent exclusive with him? I mean I think its ironic you are wanting exclusivity with him when you were still in a relationship with someone else when you started talking to him. 

Post # 38
Member
737 posts
Busy bee

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mrsssb :  Sorry but I disagree with this advice, if a man is interested he’s not going to care if your a little over-enthausastic or see you as low-value because of it. If anything I think most men will be flattered and find it cute. I really don’t like the terms High and low value (or quality) that dating coaches have popularised either. Thery’re so degrading to all of us, men and women.

Post # 39
Member
145 posts
Blushing bee

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MadamMiko :  In reality.. neither of you can go ahead and date anyone else right now due to covid.. so who are these multiple men? you are all self isolating in bostin and in san fran… unless you consider chating with randoms on tinder before meeting dating (ps its not)

I guess this isnt something you can solve now because physically dating other people isnt an option right now, keep talking to him.. clearly there is something there.

But you keep stressing wanting a family and you really jumped into this from last relationship.. based of that alone I think to you having kids and a family unit is more important than who it may be with.. im not saying you will take some loser.. no this could be a perfectly amazing smart wonderful person but I dont see you invested in finding someone perfect for YOU.. you seem more concerned finding someone wholl be a good dad/family man but maybe not the love of your life.. 

in which case dont waste time with someone long distance but again.. not quite sure what dating options there are amid this crisis.

Post # 40
Member
1497 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

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Brideordie :  they aren’t degrading they are an indication of how much or little you value yourself. You can’t get away from the concept that when dating we all evaluate the people we date. Some people are low value like the guy I once went out with that cried on our date because he wanted to find a wife and then blamed his inability to find a wife on women all being “difficult”.He is low value because no one wants to date someone who cries on a first date. He clearly had work to do on himself and realize HE was the problem. So like it or not not eveyone out there is a catch. And there’s nothing demeaning in knowing that and having terms for that. 

And obviously we aren’t talking a little enthusiastic. Talking about moving across the country for a guy you just met is more than a little enthusiastic. And in my specific example about my own experience, yeah it was way too much for a guy to be telling me he wanted to spend every free moment he had with me after only 3 dates. 

 

Post # 41
Member
1497 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

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Brideordie : 

Recently another poster said this about your posts and comments, that they seem 

“curiously undermining and intent on putting a naive and childlike ,even deliberately pollyanna like spin on important and troubling adult issues. ” 

That explains how I feel about your comments perfectly. There is a distinct lack of knowledge and maturity happening. 

Post # 42
Member
737 posts
Busy bee

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mrsssb :  Well there was something wrong with that guy lol. But I prefer to think more of “a good match” because obviously different things will appeal to different people, I don’t think someone enthusiastic or a little awkward during dating is “low value” . Reject people sure, but there are plenty of reasons not to like someone that simply isn’t right for you other than we’re they place on some sliding value scale. Shy people and awkward people find partners all the time, there is nothing low value about them, they’re just not quite as suave when it comes to dating that’s all.

I realises the term is popular with dating gurus and has made its was into the mainstream, maybe because it makes people feel like if they do certain things and become high value there’s more chance of getting the man they want, but IMO it seems so high school.

Post # 43
Member
737 posts
Busy bee

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mrsssb :  THere is nothing naive and childlike about them, I realise you don’t agree with me, and some people on here get snarking and insulting when they don’t agree, so I simply choose to ignore that and keep things friendly despite having a differing POV, because I’ve noticed that when you have the unpopular (or less popular) opinion on here it’s very hard to simply keep up normal discussion without other commenters (who contribute nothing to the actual discussion) jumping in with passive aggressive comments or personal insults. Also on the bee the unpopular opinion no matter how politely expressed is often taken as an insult and people pile on in the hope it will be censored. It’s all very mean girl and underhanded but for this reason I prefer not to insult back, because I know I will be the one banned or have posts removed, not those with the majority opinion who insult me, so whatever is being taken as “innocent and pollyannish” perhaps it’s that.Like I said it’s very mean girl but whatevs, it would work me up to much to go down that road so I ignore it (like I said it’s not out of naivete).

I prefer (even like) to discuss different opinions so I can understand better and explain myself fully, I haven’t written a single comment to you that has been personally insulting in anyway, I even liked some of your comments (no really, I’m not trying to seem child like and innocent in saying that), I’d really appreciate if you could do the same despite our disagreeing. Actually I like to reply to people who I don’t necessarily agree with if I think I can discuss with them. But if you don’t want to that’s fine. I’ll stop replying to you.

And I hardly think defining what is high and low value in dating is a troubling adult issue.

Post # 44
Member
1497 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

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Brideordie :  your response is exactly what I’m talking about. You insist on debating terminology and vocabulary without having any idea of its meaning and then double down and insist you do. Agree or disagree you still don’t know what gaslighting means and therefore how damaging and abusive it is. You don’t even know what the term low value refers to when talking about dating. Someone being shy or awkward doesn’t make someone low value. And you’d know that if you actually knew those terms. Low value is a persons character. Someone who is desperate, violent, selfish, cruel, someone who gaslights and manipulates. Traits that make you a bad choice of partner. Not if someone is shy. A shy woman can also be well read, highly intelligent, self confident enough to not date a guy who tried to love bomb her. 

My issue I with your lack of understanding and insistence that you understand things you clearly do not. And then your refusal to gain  knowledge. I’ve learned a hell of a lot from the bees on here. You would too if you would listen. 

Post # 45
Member
737 posts
Busy bee

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mrsssb :  You mean I too can learn to use cliched phrases as an answer to every post? Can I have the same cookie cutter opinion as everyone else too please?

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