(Closed) Dating and Fights

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 17
Member
3885 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Darling Husband and I have been together for 4 years, living together for just over 3, and married a few months; we have never once had a yelling-screaming-shouting fight, and only had about 4 angry arguments over that time.  Never called each other names, no one has ever slept on the couch (well we’ve each taken a turn in the guest room when sick and not wanting to disturb or infect the other person, but that’s not at all the same thing as sleeping apart because we’re angry), we’ve had plenty of differences of opinions and disagreements but we always are able to talk through them in a respectful and rational manner.

We realize we don’t share a conjoined brain and that we’re going to disagree on things, so we’re less likely to take it personally.  

In the few angry arguments we’ve had, I was almost always the instigator, and was lashing out at him when angry with something else, so we’ve both made a concious effort to avoid the situations where we’re likely to be less rational; like when we travel, and land in a strange city tired and hungry, we’ve got a 5-minute rule: if we can’t decide what we want for dinner, we ask the hotel concierge and just go where he recommends, because being tired makes us both indecisive, and we start bickering over why the other hasn’t made a decision yet.  Just eliminate that stressor and move on.   I’ve   also made an extra effort to turn TO him rather than ON him when something else is bothering me— he is, after all, my support and my safe place, so if work is pissing me off, there’s no benefit to shouting at him over it.

I totally do not believe that a couple HAS to fight, and while I’ve heard some people say “well if you fight passionately, that just means you love passionately,”  I think that’s bunk.

Post # 18
Member
1889 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Darling Husband and I have a 4 1/2 year age difference, so after he graduated and was working regular M-F hours, and I was still in college and waiting tables on the weekends (but we were living together), we would sometimes argue because I would want to go out on weeknights and he wouldn’t be able to come because he had work the next day.  I wasn’t going out to clubs or bars, just hanging out with our mutual friends, just like the two of us always did before he graduated.

After I graduated, and now that we’re both boring 9-5 people, we don’t fight about stuff like that anymore.  And even though I don’t feel like we’re exactly the same person, I like that we see things differently sometimes and are able to express it to each other without arguing.

Post # 19
Member
228 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I had similar concerns when my fiance and I started living together, before we got engaged.  The concerns about fighting weren’t from other people but from within myself.  We had built significant separate lives before we met each other so the decision to sell one of our homes and bring our households together was a big one.  We hadn’t had a big fight (and still haven’t had a major blowout) but I was always concerned that if we did have one, would we be able to recover from it?  With having so much of a good thing, I guess I needed the reassurance that we could weather it if things got rough.

In the end I chalked a lot of it up to “big change” jitters. We’ve had smaller tiffs and gotten through them fine and also recognize when the other is in a bad mood so I think we’ll be okay in the end.

I think you’ll okay too but since you’re already so good with communicating with each other why not talk about it? Maybe it would help to know what would make each other feel better if a huge argument did happen?  Do you prefer to make up right away, do you need some alone time to cool down? etc.

Post # 20
Member
4998 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I’ve been with my Fiance almost 4 years and we’ve never had a “fight.” We’ve debated about things and gotten upset with each other, but we’ve never screamed or yelled or slammed doors or slept in separate rooms or left the house to get away from each other or anything like that. We aren’t yellers, we are both fairly calm and just don’t fight like that. We talk about things and work it out and we’ve never been upset with each other for more than a few hours. I don’t think you need to fight, but if you never even have differences of opinion, then I guess I could agree that maybe you don’t know each other too well or aren’t showing your true colors. We never had any “growing pains” moving in together, but that’s something a lot of people experience. I don’t know, I wouldn’t worry just because you aren’t fighting!

Post # 21
Member
4464 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

I wouldn’t say a relationship without a fight isn’t normal, but I think people would oftentimes classify a fight as maybe a “disagreement” or “argument.” It’s great to not get into screaming matches, but if you disagree about something and have open lines of communication and are able to work through it healthily then that’s great. To me, that phrase means a couple with no disagreements is not normal or “not real.”

Post # 22
Member
5950 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

I wouldn’t really say that Mr. 99 and I fight about anything really, it’s more like trading paint…we just rub up on each other’s nerves every now and again, sometimes that’s fine, sometimes it’s funny and other times it ends with one of us leaving the house pissed off….it happens, we always make up, admit it was really just our weird way of letting off steam and go on our merry way….there’s peaceful, understanding couples that talk it out, couples that ignore problems, write each other letters, argue via text, or not at all, then there’s couples like us, we run a little hot under the collar, but it works for us…I figure as long as two people can get their point across without hurting each other, it’s working…

Post # 23
Member
3355 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

when Darling Husband and I first moved in together, we fought like cats and dogs. Full-on blowouts, yelling at each other. Now, we rarely fight but we do have disagreements every now and then.

for us, it’s healthy, because a lot of what we do is compromising for the other without saying so, which leaves us with a lot of pent-up feelings, maybe even resentment (like when he doesn’t acknowledge for months on end that I’ve majorly changed some personality aspect of myself). Very occasionally, a blowout is needed to keep the air clear.

it’s what works for us. Disagreements can be fights anyway, so really it depends on your definition. If you define a fight as a yelling match, and you don’t have any of those, to you you don’t fight. If you define a fight as a disagreement, and you have plenty, to you you fight all the time.

Post # 24
Member
345 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

This is an interesting topic.

I’ve been with my SO just over a year and no major fights, no fights at all really. A few moments of tension where I’ve been bitchy (not having eaten, I get really bitchy when I’m hungry) and I’ll start to get crabby, but nothing that ever escalated.

Why we don’t? Like you, we seem to have very open, honest communication. I’m convinced this is the most vital important thing we have. It’s refreshing. And it clears up a lot of drama, or confusion that may lead to fights.

I had never fought with my ex, save once, and boy I should I have when I think back. I should have stood up for myself. I think sometimes people fight when they feel they need to be defensive, and that their opinions/thoughts aren’t being heard or respected. In my current relationship, we don’t have that problem, so perhaps that is why we don’t fight. He also dealt with it a lot in a previous relationship, having his ex pick fights.

Neither of us like to scream and yell, so I can’t imagine us fighting like that. But I’m not naive enough to think we never will have a fight in our future. I just hope we handle it openly and talk it through, whatever it is.

Post # 25
Member
6117 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

I used to think it was all luck – but really you put a conscientious effort into choosing someone who is cmpatible for you.  It’s not really luck!

 

H and I do not fight.  We did not fight during the dating either.  I wonder too what are people fighting about as well and why.  We have had misunderstandings.  A handful of times we think we are disagreeing on something, only to realize we are arguing the same thing just in different words!  LOL

When we do have a disagreement, or someone got snippy (mainly due to stress or being too tired), we are able to resolve it quickly which I completely adore and cherish.  We can each say we’re sorry, explain what the true meangin was or where we’re coming from and all is better. 

Post # 26
Member
3470 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - The Gables Inn, Santa Rosa, CA

We have had 3 major fights in our 6 years together: 

#1. His cousin called and invited us to dinner, I asked and he said sure, we’d go.  A few hours later, he tells me he doesn’t want to go.  Me (annoyed) asked why he didn’t say that in the first place… Quickly dissolved into a fight for no good reason, he stormed out of the house and came back 30 minutes later to apologize and explain that he got upset irrationally and he felt bad. 

#2. He did something that upset me, and I thought it was because he was mad at me.  I got angry, but he didn’t realize it for a few hours, by the time he realized it, I was furious and he apologized profusely and we got over it.  At the time, he was so worried about how angry I was that he didn’t bother to correct me about why he did what he did.  2 years later, we finally got around to talking about it and it turns out his motives were VERY different than I thought, and I had stayed mad/bitter about it for so long because of a miscommunication.   

#3. I had a headache and went to bed early.  Later, he comes into the bedroom and turns on the fan and light, then goes to the bathroom.  I was 1/2 asleep and wake up to a glaring light and a blasting fan; get up (ill tempered) and shut them off.  He comes back and I make a snide comment asking him to come to bed quieter next time.  He gets upset since he was just coming to bed– both of us called names, he slept in the guest room and we didn’t talk the whole next day.  2 days later we both apologized and moved on. **Stupidest Fight Ever!**

We never bicker or have fights about day to day stuff, we also never fight about money or anything like that; but every now and then we are both in a bad mood, or we have a miscommunication that neither of us takes the time to fix that turns into a fight.  But once we get past the emotions and give ourselves a chance to talk about things, we get over it and are fine.  

Post # 27
Member
461 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Closer to the beginning of our relationship, I was feeling really insecure, because he still worked with his ex. His ex got a different job, quit, acted like a bitch towards him (according to him).

About a month later he tells me she started dating someone else. If I had been rational, I’d realize he had been in a bit of a funk from all the school stuff and finals that were coming up, but instead, I thought it was because he still liked her.

And the next time he mentioned something about her, I pretty much flipped because I’d been holding onto this idea that he must still be in love with her if he was still friends with her on facebook, that they had no mutual friends, she didn’t work with him anymore, and there was no reason to be friends anymore. He de-friended her, and I felt guilty for a week for not having been honest earlier about it…

The other argument, we have to go all the way back to the first week of dating when he promised me he wasn’t going to watch porn anymore (he did this w/o any prompting from me, I simply mentioned I wasn’t a fan of video porn but that I was more into erotic literature). He promised me he wouldn’t watch anymore (there were other reasons that I don’t feel like I should get into on this site, but let’s just say he felt like because of what he saw in our relationship, he didn’t want to bring his porn habits into it).

About three weeks ago he admits to having watched porn about 4-5 times since we started dating. I was devastated. Because he had promised something, and I had asked him about it over the course of our relationship, because friends would laugh at me and tell me not to believe him. I was devastated by the lie, and my vanity and pride were hurt because my friends were right.

It turned into a big crying mess. We ended up both crying, I was about to break up with him because I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to trust him, because this was a simple promise and we had a very healthy and fulfilling sex life (Honestly, 3-6 times a week at least). I couldn’t understand why he had done it, and it is still something I’m sitting here worrying about a bit…

But both of these things would have been avoided with open communication lines. We’re very open about other things. I learned to always be honest about my feelings from our first fight, and he realized that if he wants to watch porn, I am okay with it, but I’d prefer he try to come to me for sex or stimulation first (as I’m usually around). We’re both still very young (21 & 22). We make mistakes, but the communication thing obviously stops arguements before they become melt-downs.

Post # 28
Member
11744 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

My Fiance and I have been together for almost 2 years and rarely fight.  We didn’t have our first fight until we moved in together over a year ago and we’ve only had 1 maybe 2 since then. We have nothign to fight about either – the few fights we have had were just “off” days for both of us where we just weren’t being nice to each other and turned something little into a fight. 

I think there is a difference between people who don’t fight because they’re good communicators and people who don’t fight because they don’t talk about any “real” issues.  If you guys can disagree on important issues and work it out calmly that is great and super healthy! 

It may be that you don’t have anything to fight about given you haven’t reached a point in your relationship where you have to deal with living together and finances and child rearing, etc. But that doesn’t mean when you get tehre you will fight.  I think it sounds like you guys have a great foundation to your relationship that will help you guys work through those issues!

I wouldn’t be concerned – I think a no fighting relationship is foreign to so many people because fighting has become so common it seems “normal”. Don’t look for problems where they don’t exist! 🙂

Post # 29
Member
309 posts
Helper bee

My SO and I have disagreements usually based on some kind of miscommunication (tone of voice, meaning behind what was said)

Some of these have gotten to the point where we were both EXTREMELY frustrated with each other,

but never once have we yelled, called names, walked out, or anything like that. We will talk it out for 3 hours sometimes, but it always gets resolved, and we move on, usually better for it.

Post # 30
Member
2522 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

We’ve never had a “fight” where we stop talking, or yell, or get “angry” in the sense where we feel so overwhelmed with the emotion that we can’t see straight or we can barely look at each other.

We’ve had minor disagreements and misunderstandings, but both of us value quick and honest communication and we take care of the issue quickly. One of the traits that drew me to my SO is the fact that we do have such similar communication styles. When I was a little younger, I DEEPLY misunderstood/underappreciated how much of a difference having similiar communication styles can have on a relationship. After my last relationship, where me and my ex were on different planets when it came to communication, I greatly appreciated my SO! In the times we felt we weren’t understood, we easily found solutions, and took great care to ensure that we stuck to those changes.

Me and SO are the type of people that like to talk about our feelings and problems. We can’t internalize them and keep them to ourselves, which is great for me because people that don’t express their emotions are very frustrating for me, because I feel that one of my greatest strengths is empathy. Well, I can’t empathize if you don’t share.

I’m very happy with our communication style. 🙂

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