(Closed) Dating "Criteria" Dealbreakers – Am I being too picky?

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 61
Member
140 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

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MadamMiko:  All the bees have made various excellent points. I want to add my 2 cents.

Just wanted to re-iterate I HAVE gone on dates with men without degrees and the ones I went on dates with (maybe 4-5 of them) and I just didn’t share a conversational connection.

I have gone out on dates with PhD candidates from Harvard/MIT and wanted to shoot myself the entire time as well because of their lack of social skills, so I get the other extreme of it as well.

You said it yourself, the degree doesn’t matter, but the connection and level of attraction. If you really like him, he treats you well, then it doesn’t matter if he’s still trying to establish himself a career in his late 20s (lots of people are going through this, even in their 30s or 40s). Likewise, if there is no attraction, no compatibility, and he treats you like dirt, then his 2 PhDs and his CEO willl be moot! I’m not saying you shouldn’t have standards, but look past the degree and job.

You can have compatibility and the same value even if you do not have the same level of education or make the same amount of money. My husband is loving and sweet, and we share the same principles and outlook in life, even if he has a master degree and I never finished college (for the record, I made more than half what he made for the first few years we dated).

 

Post # 62
Member
3 posts
Wannabee

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MadamMiko:  I haven’t read this whole thread so someone might have raised this but I read this pop social science book called the Science of Happily Ever After or something like that which says that people should be choosing personality traits (bc those are more or less immutable and actually affect long term happiness) rather than achievements, etc. and specifically talks about how college degrees and professional jobs rule out a huge percent of the population without actually being helpful deal breakers in terms of your long term happiness.  That said, it had been very hard for me to follow this advice because my ex did not have a stable job and it worried me that he might not be able to take care of our kids if something happened to me – but I think someone you can rely on to pay the bills if something happens doesn’t have to be someone with a college career and a stable career at this specific moment.  

Post # 63
Member
531 posts
Busy bee

I met my OH when he was 30 years old and he was just about to pack up his very stable life, own house and everything he knew to start a new life on the other side of the world. 

I followed and it was the best thing I ever did. We had a few really tough years whilst he got estabilished and I had to wait for an engagement but you know what? Best thing I ever did!

And he doesn’t have a college degree (i do!) and he is way more successful than I am. 

 

I I think your priorities are all wrong. It doesn’t sound like you’re looking for a husband, it sounds like you’re looking for someone established who can afford to meet your expectations 

 

Post # 65
Member
531 posts
Busy bee

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MadamMiko:  ok, sorry. That actually sounded more harsh than I meant it to and I didn’t realise until I read it back.

The angle I was coming from is that there are plenty of good decent men out there who may not be degree qualified or be in the best paid or most stable jobs that would make much better husbands than some professional, well educated men that I know. 

I guess my presumption was that degree + stable job = money/financial security and maybe I was wrong. 

As I said, my Fiance was in the least stable position of his life when we met and he makes me happier than I could ask for. He doesn’t have a degree but he is one of the most intelligent men I know who challenges me in ways I didn’t know possible. We have some of the most stimulating conversations and debates about all sorts of things and he nearly always wins with his logic – and that’s nothing at all to do with his education so I suppose I just am struggling to relate to your scenario

Genuine apologies I offended – wasn’t my intention (and I’m not known for my tact sometimes)

Post # 66
Member
467 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2016

I think a successful/stable career and a college degree are two separate things. I know where I am alot of trades people get paid alot more than people with college degrees, and alot of people with college degrees aren’t particularly intelligent (and this is coming from someone in med school haha).

I think it’s verrrrryyy reasonable to want someone with a stable career if you want to start a family soon but I don’t think you should focus on the degree so much. 

Post # 67
Member
2087 posts
Buzzing bee

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MadamMiko:  My husband has a stable career and does not have a college degree. He is plenty smart, and his position was actually created specifically for him because of all that he did for the company he works for. I also know a lot of people who work trade jobs without college degrees as well, and their jobs are plenty stable (and pay extremely well, because most people dont want to do labor jobs.) My dad does not have a college degree and has been at his job for 25+ years.

I also know a bunch of morons with college degrees. Basically, if you have the money and you show up, you can get some kind of degree so I don’t really feel like thats a great indicator of intelligence. I think that “get a college degree to get a good job” has been pushed on so many generations for so long, that a lot with degrees do not have stable careers. 

I think late 20s/early 30s yeah, you should want a guy who has a stable job, but I dont think that having a college degree goes hand in hand with that. Think of it this way, you go out on a date with a guy, have great conversation, get along well, hes got a stable job and is living comfortably. Would you really turn down a second date because he didnt have a college degree?

 

Post # 68
Member
33 posts
Newbee

I don’t think you are being too picky as it’s clear that education is something that’s important to you, same with stability.

However I would urge caution when using someone’s education as a filter for whether you would be intellectually compatible or view things in a common way. I had much the same attitude (but in my early 20’s, established that attitude early!!) as I am quite academic and have an undergrad degree and 2 post grads, I just couldn’t see myself with someone who didn’t at least have an undergrad level education.

Then along comes my SO, he has no formal education past high school and is self employed in a manual profession. He’s also one of the brightest, most thoughtful and considerate people I’ve ever met. He challenges my assumptions and ideas everyday, and educates me in lots of areas I never considered.

Only you really know what values are so important to you and what you wont compromise on, you may just be missing out on some wonderful people who may surprise you and change you 🙂

 

Post # 69
Member
106 posts
Blushing bee

As soon as I read the title, I thought “Ooh, no students, no job hunters” The last time I was single, all I kept meeting was guys in their late 20’s who were still in trade schools or in college. I’m settled in my career & have purchased my own home, so I didn’t want to date someone who was just starting fresh with student debt & no work. On the same token, late 20’s and still looking for a job because mom & dad pay the bills, no thank you!  Like @Spoilerssweetie, I just require that they have their sh!t together because I need a partner, not a project.

Post # 70
Member
273 posts
Helper bee

Please correct me if I’m wrong but reading your post I can’t help to think that what you are really concerned about is money. I think you would do better to look for specific traits in a partner like focused and hardworking, rather than external things like a college degree and salary. Keep in mind too that college education plus stable job does not always equal big bucks. Teachers for example are grossly underpaid and I know plenty of college grads who wait tables and bartend. I am college educated with a fairly well paying career and my Fiance did not attend college. He has a stable job, but does not make as much as me. He is however very intelligent and a great partner and father. I am so happy to be with him and not my douchey,  unfaithful highly paid ex.

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